Guys, this past week, ohhh goodness.
It is, by default, busy anyway because we're getting close to midterms and I'm in my sophomore year at college but it's extra busy because I've had to deal with this concussion and all the side effects of:
-a solid headache for 2 weeks
-sensitivity to light and sound
-occasional dizziness
-having trouble concentrating and focusing
-more likely to become irritable and/or depressed
-zero physical activity for a solid week if not more
All of that has upped my frustration and busy-ness and awareness of how much I CAN'T do.
All of that to say, "...the joy of the Lord is my strength," has never been a more take-to-heart verse than it has now. And it really changed my outlook on the whole thing. I knew what I could and couldn't do in my whole strength and it wasn't a whole lot at all. And in contrast, I knew exactly what I could do in His strength that surpasses my own understanding. Haha sometimes I feel like it's so complicated.. but it's as simple as not leaning on yourself and instead on the One who knows all to be in control.
That's been a recurring thing I've been struggling with since I've been here: leaning not on my own understanding. Not doing things my way. Gosh, we've seen how that's worked! Especially this past week, Friday, it marked exactly a year since I went home last year. Whoa. Yes, my emotions have been crazier than I'd like to admit and I'm remembering a lot about last year that I don't necessarily care to but through it all, God is continually whispering, "Kendall, My Child, this is why; Why you struggled with this, why you were home, why I gave you this story, and most importantly this is how I worked it for good and how I will continually work it for good." My mind keeps getting blown out of its sockets!! And then I have to remember: of course this doesn't make sense in my own understanding, His ways are not my ways. Never have been never will be. That can be worrisome sometimes, but at the exact same time it's something I can full well rest in and have such a peace in.
God is so good. And it becomes more evident every day.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
God is Good.
This past weekend was jam-packed with last minute homework that took hours and Singers retreat! Ahh it was so good! And one of the best parts was that we only sang for about 2 hours the total trip O.O! We had a photo scavenger hunt, family time, "The Walk", football/tubing/high ropes course time, lots of snack time, and just downright good fellowship.
Now granted, I did kinda get knocked out playing football, and by knocked out I mean a girl and I smacked head and jaw and it resulted in swollen jaw and a concussion. My head is still throbbing a bit but it's way better than it was.
Our walk went really well; normally it's a time of total silence to be reflective and think about the Creator and His glory and majesty and the silence was still there but I wasn't being reflective. I was at first because we were walking around the lake and you're surrounded by the beauty of everything He created, but the majority of my walk time was spent looking at the people in front of me, behind me, and the people in step with me and I couldn't help but smile as I looked at 61 other individuals and knew for a fact that I knew them -who they were, what there life was like- that I cared for them, and that this year is only going to bring us all closer together. I love living life with these people, mainly because it's like a huge family a school (and I need a huge family wherever I go!) and it's because we're so different! Ah! It just makes me so excited!!!
School is becoming an overwhelming life consuming thing these days. Between play practice, Singers, mixed company, Women's chamber, voice and piano lessons, practicing for all of those, ballet class, all other music classes plus my 2 "normal classes", and homework/tests in all of those, I feel like I don't have time to live a normal life! To play music that I don't have to memorize or study, to read a book for LEISURE and not requirement, to lolligag on the quad, to call people form home and talk to them on the phone, to just breathe.... It's becoming rare. I don't like it either. I know it'll lessen after the musical is over, after I get settled into the habit of school even more so than I already am, but goodness gracious.
Anyway, I'm about to head to Singers, and I genuinely am excited for that because we make some freakin' good music and our sound is always different and so much better after retreat.
-Much love
:)
Now granted, I did kinda get knocked out playing football, and by knocked out I mean a girl and I smacked head and jaw and it resulted in swollen jaw and a concussion. My head is still throbbing a bit but it's way better than it was.
Our walk went really well; normally it's a time of total silence to be reflective and think about the Creator and His glory and majesty and the silence was still there but I wasn't being reflective. I was at first because we were walking around the lake and you're surrounded by the beauty of everything He created, but the majority of my walk time was spent looking at the people in front of me, behind me, and the people in step with me and I couldn't help but smile as I looked at 61 other individuals and knew for a fact that I knew them -who they were, what there life was like- that I cared for them, and that this year is only going to bring us all closer together. I love living life with these people, mainly because it's like a huge family a school (and I need a huge family wherever I go!) and it's because we're so different! Ah! It just makes me so excited!!!
School is becoming an overwhelming life consuming thing these days. Between play practice, Singers, mixed company, Women's chamber, voice and piano lessons, practicing for all of those, ballet class, all other music classes plus my 2 "normal classes", and homework/tests in all of those, I feel like I don't have time to live a normal life! To play music that I don't have to memorize or study, to read a book for LEISURE and not requirement, to lolligag on the quad, to call people form home and talk to them on the phone, to just breathe.... It's becoming rare. I don't like it either. I know it'll lessen after the musical is over, after I get settled into the habit of school even more so than I already am, but goodness gracious.
Anyway, I'm about to head to Singers, and I genuinely am excited for that because we make some freakin' good music and our sound is always different and so much better after retreat.
-Much love
:)
Friday, September 14, 2012
wake me up when September ends
Y'all. I'm really not a fan of the month September. And I don't even give it a chance sometimes, but Green Day never let me ;p
There are a few reasons I'm wanting this month to end already like that the homework load is already too heavy, fall is full swing in October (cardigans and scarves galore!) and because Monday night my Pop passed away and I'm ready to be out of the funk that I seem to be stuck in.
It was so strange.. My mom called my Monday afternoon and told me that he probably wasn't going to make it through the end of this week, next week tops, and that threw me enough. I was in Chrestman talking to Sarah Kate and I was walking out the door to head to the Healthplex when my dad called and told me. I had hit the red exit button and everything but couldn't move. Sarah Kate heard my reaction and left her post at the desk and walked around the corner to me. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and turned on tears that didn't stop at the same time. I really don't know why God put Sarah there right as that happened, but He must've known that I'd need a shoulder to cry on for the few seconds after I got the news. I left school Wednesday after Singers, had clothes and homework packed and all that jazz (it felt like almost a year ago I was doing the same thing.... berh.) and drove home with my little brother who had come and gotten me.
Yesterday was the funeral and my huge family on my Mom's side all came, including some close family and church friends of ours. It was so strange. No one in my family knew of a specific reaction to have so the mourning spectrum ranged from complete silence to uncontrollable sobbing. Death is new to all of us.. we've never had a loss in the family... and to see it affect everyone the way it did just weighs heavy.
Today, well, I haven't been able to quite figure out the silence that seems to be everywhere. I went running this morning, I've been tens of times to know all the sounds and sights, and yet they all sounded hollow and didn't seem as vibrant today. Everyone seems content to just sit and stare into silence. And when that doesn't work an argument of some sort breaks out and it provides more of an edge. #agitation
Death is a strange and not so foreign thing anymore. I've come to find that there's nothing inside of me that likes it and that my awareness level has risen tremendously.
Take, for example, a piece of music we're getting up to performance level in Singers. A Boy And A Girl by Eric Whitacre.
Stretched out on the grass, a boy and a girl
savoring their oranges
giving their kisses like waves exchanging foam
Stretched out on the beach, a boy and a girl
savoring their limes
giving their kisses like clouds exchanging foam
Stretched out underground, a boy and a girl
saying nothing
never kissing
giving silence for silence
Tuesday, the day after I found out about Pop and the day before I went home, we practiced this and singing a picture of love coming to death broke my heart. My tears were all over the floor and I couldn't finish the song.
I don't like it. But at the same time, today was better than yesterday. If every day continues to be a little better than the day before and as God continually reminds me of the strength He has already given me, this too shall pass.
There are a few reasons I'm wanting this month to end already like that the homework load is already too heavy, fall is full swing in October (cardigans and scarves galore!) and because Monday night my Pop passed away and I'm ready to be out of the funk that I seem to be stuck in.
It was so strange.. My mom called my Monday afternoon and told me that he probably wasn't going to make it through the end of this week, next week tops, and that threw me enough. I was in Chrestman talking to Sarah Kate and I was walking out the door to head to the Healthplex when my dad called and told me. I had hit the red exit button and everything but couldn't move. Sarah Kate heard my reaction and left her post at the desk and walked around the corner to me. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and turned on tears that didn't stop at the same time. I really don't know why God put Sarah there right as that happened, but He must've known that I'd need a shoulder to cry on for the few seconds after I got the news. I left school Wednesday after Singers, had clothes and homework packed and all that jazz (it felt like almost a year ago I was doing the same thing.... berh.) and drove home with my little brother who had come and gotten me.
Yesterday was the funeral and my huge family on my Mom's side all came, including some close family and church friends of ours. It was so strange. No one in my family knew of a specific reaction to have so the mourning spectrum ranged from complete silence to uncontrollable sobbing. Death is new to all of us.. we've never had a loss in the family... and to see it affect everyone the way it did just weighs heavy.
Today, well, I haven't been able to quite figure out the silence that seems to be everywhere. I went running this morning, I've been tens of times to know all the sounds and sights, and yet they all sounded hollow and didn't seem as vibrant today. Everyone seems content to just sit and stare into silence. And when that doesn't work an argument of some sort breaks out and it provides more of an edge. #agitation
Death is a strange and not so foreign thing anymore. I've come to find that there's nothing inside of me that likes it and that my awareness level has risen tremendously.
Take, for example, a piece of music we're getting up to performance level in Singers. A Boy And A Girl by Eric Whitacre.
Stretched out on the grass, a boy and a girl
savoring their oranges
giving their kisses like waves exchanging foam
Stretched out on the beach, a boy and a girl
savoring their limes
giving their kisses like clouds exchanging foam
Stretched out underground, a boy and a girl
saying nothing
never kissing
giving silence for silence
Tuesday, the day after I found out about Pop and the day before I went home, we practiced this and singing a picture of love coming to death broke my heart. My tears were all over the floor and I couldn't finish the song.
I don't like it. But at the same time, today was better than yesterday. If every day continues to be a little better than the day before and as God continually reminds me of the strength He has already given me, this too shall pass.
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