A number of things happened today that shook up my world a bit, and my fingers have been jumping all over the place to get myself to sit down and type it alllll out and to share it. So voila!
School.
Here's the beef, whether people feel like it should happen or not, I'm coming back to MC in the fall. Why? Because God is telling me (and pretty clearly at that) that I should. I have tons of reasons not to go back, and I really shouldn't even have the option anymore, but God keeps raining/reigning down blessings regarding MC into my lap and I'm not doing a thing! I have Financial Aid worked out, the music stuff set up, I even have a roommate! God's timing SO does not make sense to me but it couldn't have been more perfect!
Health:
I've been getting more and more sick as this past weekend has progressed and today the fever hit me... along with a swollen throat, puffy eyes, an ache-y body, and sinus pressure that is so intense that it hurts when I move my eyes! MY EYES!
Anywho, I had already called my boss and told her that coming in tomorrow was NOT going to be an option, she found a replacement and all that jazz, and my baby brother (the 18 year old one) and I start having a super great conversation. At the end of this conversation he stands up and says, "Alright come on, stand up. We've gotta pray healing over your throat."
I'm sorry... what?? I went along with it though, stood up and walked over next to him and he put his hand on my throat and started praying.
Guys.
What happened during that prayer still blows my mind. As SOON as he started praying, I felt my throat open up; like a fist being unfurled after a long time. It was freaking me out but at the same time I couldn't believe what was happening! I started crying tears of joy and as I looked at my brother's face he was radiating the Spirit (not like a flashlight or anything, metaphorically). I couldn't say a word I was so shocked! He got done and asked how my throat was... and I told him exactly what happened in a clear voice with an un-swollen throat that I hadn't had all day! AH! I might be able to go to work tomorrow after all! Haha! It's still un-swollen too, it doesn't hurt at all!
Agh, lastly, family.
Tonight was something different with our family... something we had never experienced together. We were going through our same routine of dinner, and then the minor bickering between dad and said teenager and something we like to do in our family is gang up on each other or against each other. Cruel, but it's what we've been doing. Then Michael, baby brother, out of nowhere (but for him I suppose it was very much somewhere) started speaking out against it. To my parents, to the siblings, to everybody. Saying that we believe one reality and live a completely different one and that it wasn't right and he was tired of it! Tired of the fake, tired of the stupid things we argue about day in and day out, tired of harsh and rash being ways we use to discipline, tired of us abiding by the ways society tells us to act, tired of so many things! And it was like we were all dumbstruck; like mom and dad as well as us kids had forgotten how to talk.
Never have any of us kids come out and say anything like that towards our parents or just in general. After we had regained our balance we all started talking about things... issues we had and how to resolve them. Not just mom and/or dad providing solutions, but all of us. So it was almost like we all had a resolution to work on to fix something.
One point that stuck out to me the most was the fact that we stay so much inside the role of "family" that we almost completely forget and disregard the fact that we're brothers and sisters in Christ. See here: we're 12 individuals with our own relationship with Jesus Christ *makes vertical motion* and we usually tend to keep it that way. Our outlets are different.. and it's like we choose to tell and share with everyone except for our blood-related family. Like, I could never sit down and tell my mom something that I would tell my best friend or my mentor, because I don't view her as a sister in Christ. I view her as the role she plays: my mother. Same goes with sharing and experiencing things with my dad and brothers and sisters.
It's getting out of this role playing game and treating each other like more than a "family" but an actual FAMILY and doing it to the glory of Christ! It's getting real with each other! It's bearing with each other and forgiving whatever grievances you may have against one another!
GET THERE.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Abiding Above Guilt
^
That was the title of our Sunday morning service this morning, and the main definition of doubt was that it was simply rejecting the facts and the evidence of God's Word.
Kind of strange to think about... When you're a Christian you don't like to think of the fact that you yourself doubt God's Word and Promise, but when we find ourselves doubting ourselves, our faith, and our well-being that's exactly what we're doing.
Chew on it.
School stuff has become less hectic and way more peaceful coming solely from the Creator of the Universe telling me to quit worrying about things and let Him take the wheel. Okay, I can do that.
As simple of a concept that is, and as freakin' hard as it is, it's actually quite wonderful and stress-free... takes a load off of my acne too :)
I'm not going to say yet where I think God is leading me to school, because some of the pieces still need to fall into place and I feel like I'm rushing it a bit, but it'll be on here soon enough, no worries =D
I had 2 days off last week, Thursday and Friday, to go down to Mobile (which I didn't, long story), and let me tell you: I don't think I can ever go that long without my kids and with that much time to myself ever again. It was like having 3 Saturdays in a row! The sleeping late and doing nothing and not being rushed, I mean yeah it was nice, but 3 days of it?!? No thanks! I can't do it! And I missed my kids WAY too much!
Mercy!
On a different note, not sure what kind, I think I'm getting sick. I'm so through with being sick, like, no lie. Yesterday I just felt ugh, and today didn't prove to be much better. I think a fever tacked itself onto my head today but I removed it with Tylenol. Mwuahaha.
Can I also just say I love babysitting? I've babysat every weekend for the past month and I haven't gotten tired of it yet. Partially because it's money, and partially because these kids are hilarious! One kid I babysat for last night, her name is Isla, and I was having trouble finding a top to one of her sippy-cups and out of the blue she said, "Oh<, I can help you find it, I'm spider man!" She said it so matter-of-factly that I couldn't help but laugh! Aggghhhhh love it so much!
Another thing: Sister got back from Haiti yesterday and today after church was the first time I've gotten to see her in over a week! We hugged, cried, and she poured out her heart to me (half in English, half in Creole) and all about her trip and how she had left her heart in Haiti; she showed me about 700 pictures and each one had a story with it that she told with such passion and longing my heart ached for hers. I hardly ever see my sister passionate to the point of tears about something, that's always been my role ha. She's cried a lot since she's been home, which makes my heart hurt for her even more.
It is a terribly hard thing to be somewhere and have your heart somewhere else.
That was the title of our Sunday morning service this morning, and the main definition of doubt was that it was simply rejecting the facts and the evidence of God's Word.
Kind of strange to think about... When you're a Christian you don't like to think of the fact that you yourself doubt God's Word and Promise, but when we find ourselves doubting ourselves, our faith, and our well-being that's exactly what we're doing.
Chew on it.
School stuff has become less hectic and way more peaceful coming solely from the Creator of the Universe telling me to quit worrying about things and let Him take the wheel. Okay, I can do that.
As simple of a concept that is, and as freakin' hard as it is, it's actually quite wonderful and stress-free... takes a load off of my acne too :)
I'm not going to say yet where I think God is leading me to school, because some of the pieces still need to fall into place and I feel like I'm rushing it a bit, but it'll be on here soon enough, no worries =D
I had 2 days off last week, Thursday and Friday, to go down to Mobile (which I didn't, long story), and let me tell you: I don't think I can ever go that long without my kids and with that much time to myself ever again. It was like having 3 Saturdays in a row! The sleeping late and doing nothing and not being rushed, I mean yeah it was nice, but 3 days of it?!? No thanks! I can't do it! And I missed my kids WAY too much!
Mercy!
On a different note, not sure what kind, I think I'm getting sick. I'm so through with being sick, like, no lie. Yesterday I just felt ugh, and today didn't prove to be much better. I think a fever tacked itself onto my head today but I removed it with Tylenol. Mwuahaha.
Can I also just say I love babysitting? I've babysat every weekend for the past month and I haven't gotten tired of it yet. Partially because it's money, and partially because these kids are hilarious! One kid I babysat for last night, her name is Isla, and I was having trouble finding a top to one of her sippy-cups and out of the blue she said, "Oh<, I can help you find it, I'm spider man!" She said it so matter-of-factly that I couldn't help but laugh! Aggghhhhh love it so much!
Another thing: Sister got back from Haiti yesterday and today after church was the first time I've gotten to see her in over a week! We hugged, cried, and she poured out her heart to me (half in English, half in Creole) and all about her trip and how she had left her heart in Haiti; she showed me about 700 pictures and each one had a story with it that she told with such passion and longing my heart ached for hers. I hardly ever see my sister passionate to the point of tears about something, that's always been my role ha. She's cried a lot since she's been home, which makes my heart hurt for her even more.
It is a terribly hard thing to be somewhere and have your heart somewhere else.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
the three
Hallo :)
I'm writing because I want to, and because I have a few followers who are gently complaining that I'm not writing enough. Whatevs :D
So, as I'm trying to figure this whole school thing out (where I wanna go, what I wanna do, how far is too far away from home, the possibility of a car or not, scholarships) -- pretty much end of senior year of high school for me all over again -- Mom came into my room last night and asked if we could talk about school. Now lemme tell ya, talking about school lately, mostly with my dad, hasn't been the most pleasant thing to talk about in regards to money and Dad wanting me pretty much nowhere but Union. Anywho, Mom came in, asked to talk/say something, so I stopped my movie and she proceeded to tell me that she had been praying all day and felt like God was telling her to tell me that she was letting go; it didn't matter where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, whether it be Memphis or whether it be Chicago, she would be backing me up 100% and she'd let me go.
I've been hearing this speech for awhile, but this was the first time that these words rang true, and I could see it.
Which, she said, if I wanted to go back to MC, was also an option. Whatever I felt like God was telling me to do.
This girl has done a GREAT job at blocking out all desire for MC and wanting to go there again. I mean, I've given it to God, and He's helped tremendously with giving and taking what I need given and taken, but to have MC as an option back on the table again? My head was spinning and my heart was racing and I could hardly breathe. All at once, these other schools I was looking at seemed blurry and worthless; I started picturing scenarios of music lessons/trips, roommates and old friends, and my mind wasn't stopping. I had to get alone with God, and fast!
I did what I normally always do when situations like these present themselves, and I go out, at night, into the streets of my neighborhood, look up at the stars, and cry. And when I've calmed down, I have some serious talk-time with Daddy. As I was freaking out under the beautiful sky He had provided, I was waiting and waiting for answers to come and epiphany's to be reached and all He gave me (which was enough) was this:
Be still.
Know that I am God.
And honestly, just like that, I was calm. The tears stopped, my stress level dropped to zero, and I was at an incredible peace.
When I came inside, I grabbed my copy of Jesus Calling and here's what the mini devotional was for that day:
"Waiting, trusting, and hoping are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain. Trusting is the central strand, because it is the response from My children that I desire the most. Waiting and hoping embellish the central strand and strengthen the chain that connects you to Me. Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me. If you mouth the words, "I trust You," while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow. Hoping is future-directed, connecting you to your inheritance in heaven. However, the benefits of hope fall fully on you in the present.
Because you are Mine, you don't just pass time in your waiting. You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust. Keep your "antennae" out to pick up even the faintest glimmer of My Presence."
John 14:1
Do not let your hearts be troubled. trust in God, trust also in Me.
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Hebrew 6:18-19
God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
That's not an answer, but that's straight up Truth, Peace, and not in my control.
Like, I know everybody gets stressed about things, everybody has to wait for things, nobody knows how things are going to turn out. Know what's been helping me a whole lot as far as that goes?
Trust first, hoping next, and waiting is just easy.
Those three just go together, you can't have one without the other.
=D
I'm writing because I want to, and because I have a few followers who are gently complaining that I'm not writing enough. Whatevs :D
So, as I'm trying to figure this whole school thing out (where I wanna go, what I wanna do, how far is too far away from home, the possibility of a car or not, scholarships) -- pretty much end of senior year of high school for me all over again -- Mom came into my room last night and asked if we could talk about school. Now lemme tell ya, talking about school lately, mostly with my dad, hasn't been the most pleasant thing to talk about in regards to money and Dad wanting me pretty much nowhere but Union. Anywho, Mom came in, asked to talk/say something, so I stopped my movie and she proceeded to tell me that she had been praying all day and felt like God was telling her to tell me that she was letting go; it didn't matter where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, whether it be Memphis or whether it be Chicago, she would be backing me up 100% and she'd let me go.
I've been hearing this speech for awhile, but this was the first time that these words rang true, and I could see it.
Which, she said, if I wanted to go back to MC, was also an option. Whatever I felt like God was telling me to do.
This girl has done a GREAT job at blocking out all desire for MC and wanting to go there again. I mean, I've given it to God, and He's helped tremendously with giving and taking what I need given and taken, but to have MC as an option back on the table again? My head was spinning and my heart was racing and I could hardly breathe. All at once, these other schools I was looking at seemed blurry and worthless; I started picturing scenarios of music lessons/trips, roommates and old friends, and my mind wasn't stopping. I had to get alone with God, and fast!
I did what I normally always do when situations like these present themselves, and I go out, at night, into the streets of my neighborhood, look up at the stars, and cry. And when I've calmed down, I have some serious talk-time with Daddy. As I was freaking out under the beautiful sky He had provided, I was waiting and waiting for answers to come and epiphany's to be reached and all He gave me (which was enough) was this:
Be still.
Know that I am God.
And honestly, just like that, I was calm. The tears stopped, my stress level dropped to zero, and I was at an incredible peace.
When I came inside, I grabbed my copy of Jesus Calling and here's what the mini devotional was for that day:
"Waiting, trusting, and hoping are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain. Trusting is the central strand, because it is the response from My children that I desire the most. Waiting and hoping embellish the central strand and strengthen the chain that connects you to Me. Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me. If you mouth the words, "I trust You," while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow. Hoping is future-directed, connecting you to your inheritance in heaven. However, the benefits of hope fall fully on you in the present.
Because you are Mine, you don't just pass time in your waiting. You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust. Keep your "antennae" out to pick up even the faintest glimmer of My Presence."
John 14:1
Do not let your hearts be troubled. trust in God, trust also in Me.
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Hebrew 6:18-19
God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
That's not an answer, but that's straight up Truth, Peace, and not in my control.
Like, I know everybody gets stressed about things, everybody has to wait for things, nobody knows how things are going to turn out. Know what's been helping me a whole lot as far as that goes?
Trust first, hoping next, and waiting is just easy.
Those three just go together, you can't have one without the other.
=D
Thursday, March 1, 2012
hi, march
Gah, it's March already? Not that it's a bad thing the first 2 months of 2010 have flown by, it's just making sure I enjoy them while they're flying.
I write in an apathetic state of mind, not 100% sure of the reason why, but I just feel like complaining and whining sometimes. I really do. And a lot of times I feel like I'm not allowed to do that, because I have to be the good teacher, I have to be the good big sister, I have to be fun all the time for my friends and family, I've got to stay light-hearted and easy-going, I've got to have a smile on and my head up all the time...
it's freakin hard sometimes.
Especially when I'm impatient; especially when I'm wondering and waiting; especially when I'm tired; especially when I miss people; especially when I'm frustrated; especially when I feel like people only have me around/use me for a good laugh or advice they couldn't think of on their own; especially when so much is expected of this 19 year old who's still trying to figure out this life and God thing.
Gosh.
this is my rant, and now it's over.
I write in an apathetic state of mind, not 100% sure of the reason why, but I just feel like complaining and whining sometimes. I really do. And a lot of times I feel like I'm not allowed to do that, because I have to be the good teacher, I have to be the good big sister, I have to be fun all the time for my friends and family, I've got to stay light-hearted and easy-going, I've got to have a smile on and my head up all the time...
it's freakin hard sometimes.
Especially when I'm impatient; especially when I'm wondering and waiting; especially when I'm tired; especially when I miss people; especially when I'm frustrated; especially when I feel like people only have me around/use me for a good laugh or advice they couldn't think of on their own; especially when so much is expected of this 19 year old who's still trying to figure out this life and God thing.
Gosh.
this is my rant, and now it's over.
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