Yes yes yes, we all know today was halloween, whoohooooooo. The only halloween-y thing I did was do a Trunk-or-Treat at my preschool (which all of my kids were SO stinkin ADORABLE!!!), and wore a white v-neck that said "costume". Thus how I celebrated the October holiday. Pfffft.
This past weekend wasn't what I wanted but it was what I needed. I wanted to be back at school, going to an informal, hanging out and laughing and partying with all of my friends, but once again I had to face the reality that I was here. Not there. So I had the miserable face on most all of Friday and Saturday but it hit me hard yesterday.
I DID get out of the house all day Friday and Saturday and spent it with good friends and good food and coffee and corn mazes and new friends and shopping though so points for Kendall! Ha, just kidding.
Sunday I went to my friends' church and it's a really really small one down in midtown. I like my medium-big sized church, so I didn't know how if I'd be "feelin this" or not. It was small, so small, but we walked in right as they were starting worship. I haven't really been in a guitar-drums-contemporary-worship-songs setting for a long time. That kind of scene is the one that gets to me the most. And it's about knowing all the songs and all the words so you can sing loud, it always is, but then it's about stopping... and listening to the words like you did the first time... and realizing that those words you sing over and over and the melodies that you harmonize with over and over... they're exactly what God is giving you because He knows where you're at and know you need them right now.
Yes I know that song "Our God is Greater" who doesn't?! But when I stopped and just listened to the words, "Our God is Healer, OUR God," it kind of presented me at a loss for words.
Because so many times I need God for venting, or I need Him for praying, or I need Him to make this better or make that worse, or I need Him to help others or help me (with selfish things), but I don't think I have recognized that God was Healer of ALL things, and the only thing I needed to do was to just ask. The only Person who could heal me in the deepest way possible, in the truest form possible, in the longest most lasting most intimate promises possible.
My soul, for the first time in awhile, rested. And I was at peace.
Peace is a rare thing, gosh it feels so good.
Me and Jesus also had some quality time in the car; turned off the radio (for once) and just started talking out loud. It was kind of weird at first, but once I started going I couldn't stop. I didn't know I had that much to say or vent or yell or whisper about! Funny thing how He already knew everything I was going to say and yet was still patient and listened?
Mmm :)
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Halloween Eve
Apathetic is an understatement.
Partially because I'm running on maybe 2 hours of sleep and partially because this weekend and last weekend were hard. Freakin hard.
Understatement.
Partially because I'm running on maybe 2 hours of sleep and partially because this weekend and last weekend were hard. Freakin hard.
Understatement.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
A Letter
Dear God,
You know my heart, I've laid it down before You. God, you know my deep desires. But I know that You've got a plan and if you choose not to give me what I want, You'll give me something much much better.
Father, help me to let go. I want to hold on so tightly but it hurts so much. I love a lot of people and a lot of things, but God that's ME loving them... not You thru me. Let me love only what You love. Help my heart to just let go.
I want to follow in Your will and Your way because mine clearly mess up and crumble every single time.
I want my heart to beat the same as Yours. Feel Your breaths and Yours beats and Your aches and Your love.
Daddy none of this is easy. You never said it was going to be. You never said it was going to be this hard either. And one day I'll realize how close You've been; how through every circumstance and situation You were there, looking at me, and loving me every second. For no matter what I did or who I hurt or the lies I told or the guilt I felt or the people I crushed or the mess I made or the disappointment I brought, You were there waiting for me to turn around and run to You.
Daddy I need you. I need you right now. I need some form of arms around me, hands holding me, and gentle words being spoken to me. I need someone to catch my tears (full of mascara) before they get all over my bed sheets again. I need a physical You.
God, if the only form of the physical You is the Bible, then believe when I say I'm going to be cuddling up to and crying to and talking to and yelling and screaming to and apologizing to that thing until my physical need for You is met. You gave me that, and it's You in one of the truest forms.
Father, I know this will all take awhile, and I'm still struggling day after day, but I'm ready to be completely and wholly Yours again. I'm ready to fall in love again. I'm ready to hear You whisper oh so softly into my ear. I'm ready to cry because I'm overwhelmed with happiness and joy with what You've blessed me with. I'm ready to have peace in You. I'm so ready to find rest in You. I'm so ready to lose this bitterness and anger and hurt with You and with others.
God, I'm sorry. About everything. Everybody messes up, yeah, but I hate hurting you. I hate knowing that You were rejected and ignored and were taking blows left and right from me. I hate knowing that You're vulnerable, just like me, and those hurt You, just like they do me.
I'm ready to feel like a little kid again, crawling up in Your lap simply to have big, strong arms around me and my back rubbed and hair petted. I'm ready to trust in You COMPLETELY. I'm ready to create one dependency and it be in You alone.
I'm ready to feel like a child at home.
I'm ready to come home.
Love,
Kendall
You know my heart, I've laid it down before You. God, you know my deep desires. But I know that You've got a plan and if you choose not to give me what I want, You'll give me something much much better.
Father, help me to let go. I want to hold on so tightly but it hurts so much. I love a lot of people and a lot of things, but God that's ME loving them... not You thru me. Let me love only what You love. Help my heart to just let go.
I want to follow in Your will and Your way because mine clearly mess up and crumble every single time.
I want my heart to beat the same as Yours. Feel Your breaths and Yours beats and Your aches and Your love.
Daddy none of this is easy. You never said it was going to be. You never said it was going to be this hard either. And one day I'll realize how close You've been; how through every circumstance and situation You were there, looking at me, and loving me every second. For no matter what I did or who I hurt or the lies I told or the guilt I felt or the people I crushed or the mess I made or the disappointment I brought, You were there waiting for me to turn around and run to You.
Daddy I need you. I need you right now. I need some form of arms around me, hands holding me, and gentle words being spoken to me. I need someone to catch my tears (full of mascara) before they get all over my bed sheets again. I need a physical You.
God, if the only form of the physical You is the Bible, then believe when I say I'm going to be cuddling up to and crying to and talking to and yelling and screaming to and apologizing to that thing until my physical need for You is met. You gave me that, and it's You in one of the truest forms.
Father, I know this will all take awhile, and I'm still struggling day after day, but I'm ready to be completely and wholly Yours again. I'm ready to fall in love again. I'm ready to hear You whisper oh so softly into my ear. I'm ready to cry because I'm overwhelmed with happiness and joy with what You've blessed me with. I'm ready to have peace in You. I'm so ready to find rest in You. I'm so ready to lose this bitterness and anger and hurt with You and with others.
God, I'm sorry. About everything. Everybody messes up, yeah, but I hate hurting you. I hate knowing that You were rejected and ignored and were taking blows left and right from me. I hate knowing that You're vulnerable, just like me, and those hurt You, just like they do me.
I'm ready to feel like a little kid again, crawling up in Your lap simply to have big, strong arms around me and my back rubbed and hair petted. I'm ready to trust in You COMPLETELY. I'm ready to create one dependency and it be in You alone.
I'm ready to feel like a child at home.
I'm ready to come home.
Love,
Kendall
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Whopper Coffee.... coffee with whoppers in it
Hi blog world,
I know I haven't written in awhile, and what I have written hasn't been in much depth. This week has been so long and all the days have run together and taken forever to get through. I didn't think working 8-5 would take this much out of me but it does! It times like this past week that I wish I had a job where I could have some alone time, or some Kendall time; at my daycare I have to have constant energy all the time and be 100% involved and interactive 100% of the time.
The "sleep" medicine my doctor gave me was mostly just to calm me down (keep me from being so tense and stressed out all of the time), has a pain reliever in it for my killer headaches, and has an antihistamine in it so it makes me sleepy. The only problem is it knocks me OUT and keeps me super groggy the next day!
Anyway
I went to House Church with my little brother on Friday night. I was wanting to stay numb and stoic all night because emotionally I was on the verge of breaking down and I didn't want to be. But a little after it started, one of the guys went to get his ipod and make us listen to a new band he had found. What music does with and for a music artist escapes words. I needed it. I had a couple of girls come and pray with me and as soon as the first one sat down next to me my walls were down. I cried and cried and cried and felt so broken. One of the things they kept saying was, "You're not guilty, you're not full of shame, you're forgiven. It's gone. It's done. You're free." and that made me cry even harder but for the first time since I've been home it started to ring true.
Now I'm not saying I've had an incredible breakthrough, yet, but I am saying I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not anywhere near it yet, but I can see it. It's hope. And it feels good.
I know I haven't written in awhile, and what I have written hasn't been in much depth. This week has been so long and all the days have run together and taken forever to get through. I didn't think working 8-5 would take this much out of me but it does! It times like this past week that I wish I had a job where I could have some alone time, or some Kendall time; at my daycare I have to have constant energy all the time and be 100% involved and interactive 100% of the time.
The "sleep" medicine my doctor gave me was mostly just to calm me down (keep me from being so tense and stressed out all of the time), has a pain reliever in it for my killer headaches, and has an antihistamine in it so it makes me sleepy. The only problem is it knocks me OUT and keeps me super groggy the next day!
Anyway
I went to House Church with my little brother on Friday night. I was wanting to stay numb and stoic all night because emotionally I was on the verge of breaking down and I didn't want to be. But a little after it started, one of the guys went to get his ipod and make us listen to a new band he had found. What music does with and for a music artist escapes words. I needed it. I had a couple of girls come and pray with me and as soon as the first one sat down next to me my walls were down. I cried and cried and cried and felt so broken. One of the things they kept saying was, "You're not guilty, you're not full of shame, you're forgiven. It's gone. It's done. You're free." and that made me cry even harder but for the first time since I've been home it started to ring true.
Now I'm not saying I've had an incredible breakthrough, yet, but I am saying I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not anywhere near it yet, but I can see it. It's hope. And it feels good.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
blessed are the ones who understand
I'm like a dam. A big water thing. One that holds back a whole whole lot, and then at the tiniest being or occurrence, can explode and come crashing down and bring much ruin and damage to people and situations.
BUT I got medicine to help me sleep. That helps the dam, a lot.
BUT I got medicine to help me sleep. That helps the dam, a lot.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sunday Morning by Maroon 5. Yummy.
I liked today, a lot.
I didn't go to church today, I woke up and my stomach still didn't feel like it's normal self (from that dumb stomach virus I got the other day) and I was flat out EXHAUSTED! From what, I'm not exactly sure, all I know is that I woke up with full intention of going to church, maybe a Starbucks run with the sister thrown in, and looking cute. As soon as I sat up though my stomach hit me saying, "Lay back down, I don't feel good," and my head saying, "Whyyyy did you sit up? Baaaad idea!" and so I turned over and went back to sleep.
This afternoon after lunch though I went and sat outside on our front porch swings. 2 things readers and people in general should know about me is that I love outdoors and I love swings. So I took my Bible and my book Jesus Calling and had a little date with my Savior. He showed me a lot today about letting go and being still and finding comfort and reassurance in Him and only Him. If there's anything I need to be hearing or reading about now it's about allllllll of that right there! One other thing I do to occupy my time (and what bit of artistic flare I have in me) is I write verses out on index cards, in colorful sharpie colors, and tape/hang/prop them in places I'll see them everyday. One of my favorite verses He showed me today was 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 which says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
When I read that it kinda hit me: I've been so caught up in my problems and my situation that I have the mindset that it should be all about me all of the time; regardless of who I'm talking to or what situation I'm put in, it's all about me. After reading that I thought, "Okay, I should be going out and seeing how I can comfort others.. Friends and family who have done that for me are hurting too... and God is comforting me in more ways than one.. Why am I not returning the favor to them and giving the glory to Him??" So to those who are reading this, who I have made myself the #1 priority to, I am so sorry. I'm not doing what's right by the Bible and I'm not doing what's right by anyone. With what God is giving me day by day, I shouldn't be keeping it all to myself. I should be giving it away and helping my brothers and sisters in Christ who need the comfort and compassion that God is giving to and through me!
That hit me big today.
I took the sister and we hit up Sonic and then went to Crossfire with my baby brother. I say baby, he's 18 years old. Gosh. But Crossfire is a place full of trampolines, a giant foam pit, and fun music. So what's a girl like me to do? Jump to her heart's content, perfect my front flip from trampoline to mat, and discover that a back walk-over is STILL possible! It made my night! And I was laughing a whole lot, which feels wonderful, (and trampolines always make me laugh) and I was dancing a little, (they were playing Backstreet Boys) and I had people who cared about me doing the exact same thing.
I even sang a little on the way home with Liv and Elle, now THAT was fun! Well, I say singing.... it's more like yelling, on pitch, staying somewhat in the same key.. Ha whatever. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my Jesus. I'm ready to get this ball rolling!
I didn't go to church today, I woke up and my stomach still didn't feel like it's normal self (from that dumb stomach virus I got the other day) and I was flat out EXHAUSTED! From what, I'm not exactly sure, all I know is that I woke up with full intention of going to church, maybe a Starbucks run with the sister thrown in, and looking cute. As soon as I sat up though my stomach hit me saying, "Lay back down, I don't feel good," and my head saying, "Whyyyy did you sit up? Baaaad idea!" and so I turned over and went back to sleep.
This afternoon after lunch though I went and sat outside on our front porch swings. 2 things readers and people in general should know about me is that I love outdoors and I love swings. So I took my Bible and my book Jesus Calling and had a little date with my Savior. He showed me a lot today about letting go and being still and finding comfort and reassurance in Him and only Him. If there's anything I need to be hearing or reading about now it's about allllllll of that right there! One other thing I do to occupy my time (and what bit of artistic flare I have in me) is I write verses out on index cards, in colorful sharpie colors, and tape/hang/prop them in places I'll see them everyday. One of my favorite verses He showed me today was 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 which says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
When I read that it kinda hit me: I've been so caught up in my problems and my situation that I have the mindset that it should be all about me all of the time; regardless of who I'm talking to or what situation I'm put in, it's all about me. After reading that I thought, "Okay, I should be going out and seeing how I can comfort others.. Friends and family who have done that for me are hurting too... and God is comforting me in more ways than one.. Why am I not returning the favor to them and giving the glory to Him??" So to those who are reading this, who I have made myself the #1 priority to, I am so sorry. I'm not doing what's right by the Bible and I'm not doing what's right by anyone. With what God is giving me day by day, I shouldn't be keeping it all to myself. I should be giving it away and helping my brothers and sisters in Christ who need the comfort and compassion that God is giving to and through me!
That hit me big today.
I took the sister and we hit up Sonic and then went to Crossfire with my baby brother. I say baby, he's 18 years old. Gosh. But Crossfire is a place full of trampolines, a giant foam pit, and fun music. So what's a girl like me to do? Jump to her heart's content, perfect my front flip from trampoline to mat, and discover that a back walk-over is STILL possible! It made my night! And I was laughing a whole lot, which feels wonderful, (and trampolines always make me laugh) and I was dancing a little, (they were playing Backstreet Boys) and I had people who cared about me doing the exact same thing.
I even sang a little on the way home with Liv and Elle, now THAT was fun! Well, I say singing.... it's more like yelling, on pitch, staying somewhat in the same key.. Ha whatever. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my Jesus. I'm ready to get this ball rolling!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
How He Loves
Today equaled a dressing up in a dress for a wedding. It was a blue dress, like a bluebird blue. The deep royal blue. I felt like a bluebird in it :)
I also went and hung out with Jake. That was fun. We talked about his trip to the Amazon, it was kind of an eye opener to the need that is out there, the need we don't always see.
We got sushi later.
Then I picked up Liv at a friend's house and came home.
I've been really weak lately. I've been letting Satan win, a lot. He didn't win today. God did.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IO-Cp2kcFjc&feature=player_embedded#!
I also went and hung out with Jake. That was fun. We talked about his trip to the Amazon, it was kind of an eye opener to the need that is out there, the need we don't always see.
We got sushi later.
Then I picked up Liv at a friend's house and came home.
I've been really weak lately. I've been letting Satan win, a lot. He didn't win today. God did.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IO-Cp2kcFjc&feature=player_embedded#!
Friday, October 14, 2011
MC Singers
Last night was spent listening to my downloaded MC Singers music; our spring concert from this past spring and then all the music I could find on iTunes that was what we had started working on this fall.
I'm not gonna lie, listening to all that music and knowing I was either in the choir that sang it or that I had a choir that was still working on all of this new music without me, was incredibly hard.
My numb cycle broke Wednesday night, so the tears were plentiful. They haven't ceased. And the littlest things will get me to tears, I almost prefer the numbness now.
It hit me tonight as I was driving home from dropping my sisters off somewhere: All of this music I've downloaded, from the music my choir is working on this year, I'll never be able to perform it. Not with them, on stage, under Dr. Meaders, feeling the emotion and singing it the way it's supposed to be sung.
Yeah, that straight up slapped me tonight. I hate that feeling.
And it times like these hard ones that I wish I had someone who could relate to me in this aspect! I mean yeah, both of my parents were in college choir and they had a hard/amazing director so they can understand and relate to all of that, but they haven't ever had it taken away. They had that choir for 4 years. Just like I was supposed to.
I personally hate just sitting around, taking one day at a time, and figuring out what the next step is. I know it's pretty vital, but I want to know now and I want it to be MC. That's all.
I'm not gonna lie, listening to all that music and knowing I was either in the choir that sang it or that I had a choir that was still working on all of this new music without me, was incredibly hard.
My numb cycle broke Wednesday night, so the tears were plentiful. They haven't ceased. And the littlest things will get me to tears, I almost prefer the numbness now.
It hit me tonight as I was driving home from dropping my sisters off somewhere: All of this music I've downloaded, from the music my choir is working on this year, I'll never be able to perform it. Not with them, on stage, under Dr. Meaders, feeling the emotion and singing it the way it's supposed to be sung.
Yeah, that straight up slapped me tonight. I hate that feeling.
And it times like these hard ones that I wish I had someone who could relate to me in this aspect! I mean yeah, both of my parents were in college choir and they had a hard/amazing director so they can understand and relate to all of that, but they haven't ever had it taken away. They had that choir for 4 years. Just like I was supposed to.
I personally hate just sitting around, taking one day at a time, and figuring out what the next step is. I know it's pretty vital, but I want to know now and I want it to be MC. That's all.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I'm burning on the inside!
Slept maybe about 30 minutes last night. Why? Because my mind didn't go to sleep.
Worked 7-4 today. Loved it but about died.
Went shopping with my little brother yesterday, got 2 new shirts and 2 new nose rings. Holla.
Ate a chili dog tonight.
Downloaded Mumford and Sons' album Sigh No More and am falling in love with it more and more.
Am upping my stalker time on facebook. I've got to stop.
Work 8-5 tomorrow. I'll probably die.
Then I'll go play cards.
How refreshing to know You don't need me. How amazing to find that You want me.
Worked 7-4 today. Loved it but about died.
Went shopping with my little brother yesterday, got 2 new shirts and 2 new nose rings. Holla.
Ate a chili dog tonight.
Downloaded Mumford and Sons' album Sigh No More and am falling in love with it more and more.
Am upping my stalker time on facebook. I've got to stop.
Work 8-5 tomorrow. I'll probably die.
Then I'll go play cards.
How refreshing to know You don't need me. How amazing to find that You want me.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
not 100% meat, but way past milk
Yesterday was a pretty really good day.
I took sisters to music lessons at Faith, and stopped by Sonic first (of course) where I landed a vanilla coke. Now, Dr. Pepper is my go-to drink, but every now and again I enjoy the mess out of a vanilla coke during happy hour.
While they were in their lessons, I went to Target strictly to go jean shopping because I'm in dire need of a good new pair of jeans. I finally found some that fit me the right way and looked good and according to Target I am now a size 4. Every size and shape is different but I could live with going by Target's branding for the rest of my life. I didn't think I had lost THAT much weight, I mean I know I have cause my eating is kinda sorta all outta whack, but this is kind of awesome. Kind of.
The rest of my time was spent writing letters to my dear friends at school, explaining what is going on in my life. Those were hard to write, not gonna lie, especially the one to my big, but I know God is going to use those and He's got their hearts and know the outcome of their reactions. I have to trust that or I'll go crazy.
Last night I met up with a friend from waaaaaay back in the band days (5th and 6th grade I think..?!) for dinner and ice cream. We got a lot of good talking done. I didn't expect myself to spill everything that was going on in my life, but I did, all through dinner. Which he made up for because he talked all during ice cream haha. We were at TCBY's for four hours. I've never been at an ice cream place that long, first of all, SECONDLY I've never seen TCBY close. It was an experience that's for sure :P
One thing about my friend, Jordan, he is incredibly animated and comical. If nothing else was accomplished last night, I laughed. And I laughed hard. The "dry-heave" laugh as Jordan would say. About the dumbest things too! It took a lot out of me, physically, mentally, and emotionally, but it felt so so good! I'm ready to laugh and keep laughing and to not just have a spurt of laughter only to have it go away shortly after. I got home around midnight and fell asleep pretty quick. Did I sleep 12 hours? Maybe.
Went and had lunch with mom today at Lenny's (phillycheesesteak sandwich, yes please) and we talked about a good bit. One of the things mom told me was that she had been praying about my situation a lot lately but had had God tell her, quite loudly and clearly, that He had something better for me. That was weird hearing from my mom because I wanted to hear that from God myself, but maybe that was His way of telling me that...?
It's freaking hard to imagine that from everything I've been through and from everything that I've had taken away and from everything that I've fallen in love with, that God has something BETTER. That blows my mind. But I DO know that if I let Him have everything and my whole entire heart, He'll lead me to a place that has the environment and people and education that I need and He'll make me fall in love with everything so much more than I ever did at MC. While I can't fathom that, I can picture it. If that makes any sense.
Mom and I picked up my sister, the 16 year old one, all decked out in my clothes and she drove us home cause she's getting her permit on Halloween. Now, I love her to pieces, don't get me wrong at all. BUT I do not like it when she's borrowing my clothes! Of course all sets of sisters have this problem but I've been really good about staying out of her stuff and her clothes and her EVERYTHING since I've been back because I've operated only in my clothes and my things. She's abided by the same rule but her argument today was that all her clothes were dirty and she couldn't ask me to borrow my clothes because I was asleep. I have no nice words.
Yes, I would love my own room with a door and four walls and a bed and a closet in my room and a place for all my shoes and privacy and a bookshelf or desk to put all my things in and on and a place I can call my own and a place people don't need to come in and practice piano in. I would love all of that. But right now that's not a possibility. Sucks.
I've thought about my summer, and I think I'm going to apply to Crossings Camps. The camp I went to last summer that I wrote about on my old blog (www.idratherbegodsgirl.blogspot.com). I think God is telling me to work there this summer. I can picture it, strictly because I worked there a bit last year, but God has control over all of this. Bring it on.
I'm going to bed now. I'm so tired.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Atmosphere
I don't even know how to put a word or a group of words to my feelings. There are too many.
What helps?
I sit on a couch. Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's. Watching Psych. Watching anything that can take my mind off of everything. I eat but I'm not hungry. I laugh but it takes everything in me to. I listen to music but I can't sing. That's the scariest thing. I feel like my singing thing, whatever it may be, has died a little bit. I can mouth the words real good and sing under my breath, but can't sing like it comes from my soul. Singing would mean things are okay and I'm okay and I'm happy somewhere on the inside.
What helps?
I sit on a couch. Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's. Watching Psych. Watching anything that can take my mind off of everything. I eat but I'm not hungry. I laugh but it takes everything in me to. I listen to music but I can't sing. That's the scariest thing. I feel like my singing thing, whatever it may be, has died a little bit. I can mouth the words real good and sing under my breath, but can't sing like it comes from my soul. Singing would mean things are okay and I'm okay and I'm happy somewhere on the inside.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Jesus Calling
I just thought I would share what I read in Jesus Calling today cause it was really good and extremely relevant:
"In order to hear My voice, you must release all your worries into My care. Entrust to Me everything that concerns you. This clears the way for you to see My Face unhindered. Let Me free you from fear that is hiding deep inside you. Sit quietly in My Presence, allowing My Light to soak into you and drive out any darkness lodged within you.
Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty."
1 Peter 5:6-7
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
Psalm 118:24
"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
Talk about a Holy 2x4 smacking you across the face! I'm ready to get back to Him. And today's devotion. Whoa.
"In order to hear My voice, you must release all your worries into My care. Entrust to Me everything that concerns you. This clears the way for you to see My Face unhindered. Let Me free you from fear that is hiding deep inside you. Sit quietly in My Presence, allowing My Light to soak into you and drive out any darkness lodged within you.
Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty."
1 Peter 5:6-7
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
Psalm 118:24
"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
Talk about a Holy 2x4 smacking you across the face! I'm ready to get back to Him. And today's devotion. Whoa.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Beautiful Beautiful
Hi.
I'm going to talk about my yesterday and my today.
Yesterday, Wednesday, I went up to Union University with my dad and my brother. I went strictly because I wanted a practice room; not necessarily to practice music in but just to be in a soundproof familiar sort of room. I did end up taking every single one of my music books (piano, voice, Singers, Mixed Company, high school piano music, EVERYTHING) just in case the urge to get into my music hit me. I let an old friend, Helen, know I was coming up there because she goes there and has my same major (Music Ed) so if I ran into her it wouldn't be awkward or anything. We ended up having lunch together, spending about 30 bucks on rooster t-shirts in Lifeway, grabbing Starbucks, and sitting and talking about everything. I unloaded everything on her and she just sat and listened. One thing I guess I had forgotten was that Helen and I kinda grew up together, and when I say grew up I mean all through middle school and high school, but we were the best of best friends ever, so after spilling my guts and crying a little she knew exactly what I needed as far as physical and spiritual comfort goes and she knows me well enough to know what I was thinking and feeling without having to ask and I didn't realize how much I craved that. Yes, I love the friends and relationships I formed while I was at MC but those people will never know me as well as Helen does simply because they weren't there to see the things I went through that made me, me; they only saw the finished product and that's who they became friends with. I can't describe it much better than that but it was so very good.
One thing I felt as I was walking that campus and eating lunch in their cafeteria and meeting people there, was I felt a sense of peace. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart," it says somewhere in Psalms and not that I'm "delight-ing" right now but I can feel a lot of my desire lessening from MC. Which right now is good because all my desire for MC is making my heart hurt that much more and I'm ready to stop hurting. I don't know if that means Union is where I'm supposed to be, but it did mean that things weren't as bad as they felt anymore. And if Union IS where I'm supposed to be and God wants me there, then He can make me fall in love with the people and the place so much more than I ever did at MC. I hate saying that but it's true.
That's all I'm going to say about Union because if I say more then I'll have to talk about their Singers and we're just NOT gonna go there.
Today started off not so great, was the mediocre, got better, and stayed that way.
Here it is: woke up around 1130 (which was AWESOME considering I fell asleep around 830 last night from spending all my energy at Union!), talked to mom and told her I did not want to go to counseling. I wasn't ready to let another person in and I wasn't ready to talk or anything yet. That upset her so she went outside and cried, again, she's been doing that a lot lately. Sorry, Mom. We decided to take all the kids and go to Shelby Farms instead. Weather was Nike shorts and t-shirt appropriate so that's what we all sported. It was good to get out of the house and outside, even if all I did was find a shady spot and just sit/lay down the few hours we were there. Spend some quality time with Liv and Elle, but mostly Liv which was very needed. I finally broke and told her everything that was going on but she already knew everything. Oh.
Mom suggested hitting up Sonic for Happy Hour so sped there and had 3 minutes to spare when we pulled in. Try to picture a mother and 8 kids parking and straight up hauling to the order-machines to get their orders in before 4pm, ahaha. Came home around 5 and chilled for awhile, started to get hungry so very sloth-like (because I am a lazy creature) started getting things ready for dinner. We had Mexican, they like that a lot around here, a lot.
After dinner my old friend Lauren came over just to hang out and catch up. We made small talk and drank coffee for the first hour and a half and then I asked how her life was. Whew. That opened her right up and I found out she was going through very very similar things I was going through and her parents were handling things similar to the way my parents were handling things (probably because our parents are super close friends)! The only difference between Lauren and I right now is this: she has had things taken from her and she's hit the bottom. She knows what she has to do as far as getting things right with God, her parents, and her life and she's doing it. Me? I've had things taken from me and I've the hit the bottom. I know what I have to do (for the most part) as far as getting things right with God, my parents, and my life and I haven't started doing it yet.
I'm still bitter and am not ready to forgive anyone yet. A lot of me has to be fixed before anything else also. One things Helen told me yesterday was that God knew all of this form the beginning. He knew that MC was going to be my first school but not my last. He knew I would be home this semester. He knew I would be completely broken with everything and that was His plan. So He could take every single piece I've been broken in to and put it back together how HE wants and not I. One thing Lauren said was the point I'm at in my life right now is the point where I decide: do I keep trying to fix this or do I (finally) let God? She said God was going to get me to a point where it was just Him and I and nothing else if I wasn't where He wanted me. I knew I was very much not where I needed to be with my lifestyle and my walk, and I guess He knew that this, and only this, would get my attention and say, "Okay, My child, NOW you're listening!" Which it shouldn't have to come to that, to taking away everything and breaking us completely to get our attention directed towards Him but if He sees necessary, there's really nothing stopping Him is there?
I've got a lot to chew on and a lot of progress to make, I'm kind of ready to get there.
One more thing. I mentioned getting a new job because my job at the preschool was just not gonna happen, BUT, my boss called today and offered full time, 40+ hours a week, up-ing my pay and putting me with my favorite most compatible co-worker. What did I say? Heck yes. I don't start for another 2 weeks, which is fine with me, I'll still have time to recuperate and rest and such, and then I can hit it full swing. Yay. Getting a car this semester will be a ton easier with all that dough coming in too. I don't know about school in the spring yet; wherever I go will be semi-awkward because coming in halfway through the year being a Music Major just complicates things but I don't have to figure any of that out tonight.
Talked to the best friend, Erin, tonight. She's also considering/praying/most probably attending Union next fall. Who knows? We might end up there together!
God, You got this. Not me. Let's keep it that way.
:)
ONE MORE THING
(Francesca Battistelli's song, Beautiful Beautiful lyrics)
I'm going to talk about my yesterday and my today.
Yesterday, Wednesday, I went up to Union University with my dad and my brother. I went strictly because I wanted a practice room; not necessarily to practice music in but just to be in a soundproof familiar sort of room. I did end up taking every single one of my music books (piano, voice, Singers, Mixed Company, high school piano music, EVERYTHING) just in case the urge to get into my music hit me. I let an old friend, Helen, know I was coming up there because she goes there and has my same major (Music Ed) so if I ran into her it wouldn't be awkward or anything. We ended up having lunch together, spending about 30 bucks on rooster t-shirts in Lifeway, grabbing Starbucks, and sitting and talking about everything. I unloaded everything on her and she just sat and listened. One thing I guess I had forgotten was that Helen and I kinda grew up together, and when I say grew up I mean all through middle school and high school, but we were the best of best friends ever, so after spilling my guts and crying a little she knew exactly what I needed as far as physical and spiritual comfort goes and she knows me well enough to know what I was thinking and feeling without having to ask and I didn't realize how much I craved that. Yes, I love the friends and relationships I formed while I was at MC but those people will never know me as well as Helen does simply because they weren't there to see the things I went through that made me, me; they only saw the finished product and that's who they became friends with. I can't describe it much better than that but it was so very good.
One thing I felt as I was walking that campus and eating lunch in their cafeteria and meeting people there, was I felt a sense of peace. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart," it says somewhere in Psalms and not that I'm "delight-ing" right now but I can feel a lot of my desire lessening from MC. Which right now is good because all my desire for MC is making my heart hurt that much more and I'm ready to stop hurting. I don't know if that means Union is where I'm supposed to be, but it did mean that things weren't as bad as they felt anymore. And if Union IS where I'm supposed to be and God wants me there, then He can make me fall in love with the people and the place so much more than I ever did at MC. I hate saying that but it's true.
That's all I'm going to say about Union because if I say more then I'll have to talk about their Singers and we're just NOT gonna go there.
Today started off not so great, was the mediocre, got better, and stayed that way.
Here it is: woke up around 1130 (which was AWESOME considering I fell asleep around 830 last night from spending all my energy at Union!), talked to mom and told her I did not want to go to counseling. I wasn't ready to let another person in and I wasn't ready to talk or anything yet. That upset her so she went outside and cried, again, she's been doing that a lot lately. Sorry, Mom. We decided to take all the kids and go to Shelby Farms instead. Weather was Nike shorts and t-shirt appropriate so that's what we all sported. It was good to get out of the house and outside, even if all I did was find a shady spot and just sit/lay down the few hours we were there. Spend some quality time with Liv and Elle, but mostly Liv which was very needed. I finally broke and told her everything that was going on but she already knew everything. Oh.
Mom suggested hitting up Sonic for Happy Hour so sped there and had 3 minutes to spare when we pulled in. Try to picture a mother and 8 kids parking and straight up hauling to the order-machines to get their orders in before 4pm, ahaha. Came home around 5 and chilled for awhile, started to get hungry so very sloth-like (because I am a lazy creature) started getting things ready for dinner. We had Mexican, they like that a lot around here, a lot.
After dinner my old friend Lauren came over just to hang out and catch up. We made small talk and drank coffee for the first hour and a half and then I asked how her life was. Whew. That opened her right up and I found out she was going through very very similar things I was going through and her parents were handling things similar to the way my parents were handling things (probably because our parents are super close friends)! The only difference between Lauren and I right now is this: she has had things taken from her and she's hit the bottom. She knows what she has to do as far as getting things right with God, her parents, and her life and she's doing it. Me? I've had things taken from me and I've the hit the bottom. I know what I have to do (for the most part) as far as getting things right with God, my parents, and my life and I haven't started doing it yet.
I'm still bitter and am not ready to forgive anyone yet. A lot of me has to be fixed before anything else also. One things Helen told me yesterday was that God knew all of this form the beginning. He knew that MC was going to be my first school but not my last. He knew I would be home this semester. He knew I would be completely broken with everything and that was His plan. So He could take every single piece I've been broken in to and put it back together how HE wants and not I. One thing Lauren said was the point I'm at in my life right now is the point where I decide: do I keep trying to fix this or do I (finally) let God? She said God was going to get me to a point where it was just Him and I and nothing else if I wasn't where He wanted me. I knew I was very much not where I needed to be with my lifestyle and my walk, and I guess He knew that this, and only this, would get my attention and say, "Okay, My child, NOW you're listening!" Which it shouldn't have to come to that, to taking away everything and breaking us completely to get our attention directed towards Him but if He sees necessary, there's really nothing stopping Him is there?
I've got a lot to chew on and a lot of progress to make, I'm kind of ready to get there.
One more thing. I mentioned getting a new job because my job at the preschool was just not gonna happen, BUT, my boss called today and offered full time, 40+ hours a week, up-ing my pay and putting me with my favorite most compatible co-worker. What did I say? Heck yes. I don't start for another 2 weeks, which is fine with me, I'll still have time to recuperate and rest and such, and then I can hit it full swing. Yay. Getting a car this semester will be a ton easier with all that dough coming in too. I don't know about school in the spring yet; wherever I go will be semi-awkward because coming in halfway through the year being a Music Major just complicates things but I don't have to figure any of that out tonight.
Talked to the best friend, Erin, tonight. She's also considering/praying/most probably attending Union next fall. Who knows? We might end up there together!
God, You got this. Not me. Let's keep it that way.
:)
ONE MORE THING
(Francesca Battistelli's song, Beautiful Beautiful lyrics)
Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Laughing Hurts
Today is (was) Tuesday. Tomorrow will be exactly a week since everything has happened. I think it's fair to say that this has been the longest week of my natural life. Now my excuse of being on fall break is used up, this is where more and more questions will come. Awesome.
Shane and Sarah Kate came in town this weekend and I got to hang out with them Sunday afternoon and Monday afternoon and night. That was so refreshing and much needed. To get hugs from people who do and don't know the situation and am poured into with love and Scripture always leaves me dumbstruck.
God, you amaze me.
Another thing. My heart is hardened. That's hard to write about. Especially when people read this and want to know I'm okay and all is well and God is taking care of everything. Well, I mean, He is, but right now my heart is so hard that I'm not letting Him. I'm reading Scripture and I'm reading great stuff, stuff I need to get me through all of this, and it's just not hitting home like it did this summer.
My parents are also being difficult in this situation. They don't know what they're doing or how to handle this, I don't know what to tell them to do or how to handle this because I don't know, so it's getting messy. They want more than anything for me to be okay already, and that's the one thing I'm not. So they cry, they make plans, they monitor things, they try and make me laugh, they give me what I want, they take it away, and they don't understand when I don't want to talk to them. Partially because I hardly know what to say -- my mind is racing constantly and it's close to impossible to formulate one thing into words -- and partially because I don't want them in my head. I feel like I have too many people in there already and I'm not even sure what all is going on in there.
I do know that I'm numb. Incredibly numb. Silence is doing more for me than music is, and when you're a music artist it scares the crap out of you.
I did spend time with a dear friend who graduated from MC and now lives in Memphis, Sarah Benke, and she sat and just listened today as I explained frustrations and complications and things like that. She went through a not-so-similar situation with her parents this past spring (and when I say not-so I mean not with my same circumstances but the way the parents acted were close to the same) and so she was saying that everything was going to be okay and that I was God's and not my parent's. I mean, I am my parents but doing God's will and doing what He wants is far far more important than anything my parents want. That was strange to think about, but I think it's true.
Talked to my Big today, she is wonderful that Bailey, talked to Graysen, talked to Ellie, talked to Helen, talked to Sarah Kate, talked to Dex, talked to Shane, and talked to Tiffany. People who know and people who don't know, and both won't quit loving on me and pouring into me and giving me Scripture and saying God has me here for a reason.
God, I don't deserve them, but thank you for giving them anyway.
I'm headed to Union tomorrow. No, not to look around and check out the school, to practice. To get by myself in a sound-proof room and either scream, cry, talk out loud, sing, play, dance, just sit, or all of the above. I kind of can't wait. Only downside? Leaving at 645 in the morning. Yeah. So on that note (which, we'll make that note a D flat), I'm going to head to bed. Couch. Whatever. Thanks for, well, I don't know.
Thanks :)
Shane and Sarah Kate came in town this weekend and I got to hang out with them Sunday afternoon and Monday afternoon and night. That was so refreshing and much needed. To get hugs from people who do and don't know the situation and am poured into with love and Scripture always leaves me dumbstruck.
God, you amaze me.
Another thing. My heart is hardened. That's hard to write about. Especially when people read this and want to know I'm okay and all is well and God is taking care of everything. Well, I mean, He is, but right now my heart is so hard that I'm not letting Him. I'm reading Scripture and I'm reading great stuff, stuff I need to get me through all of this, and it's just not hitting home like it did this summer.
My parents are also being difficult in this situation. They don't know what they're doing or how to handle this, I don't know what to tell them to do or how to handle this because I don't know, so it's getting messy. They want more than anything for me to be okay already, and that's the one thing I'm not. So they cry, they make plans, they monitor things, they try and make me laugh, they give me what I want, they take it away, and they don't understand when I don't want to talk to them. Partially because I hardly know what to say -- my mind is racing constantly and it's close to impossible to formulate one thing into words -- and partially because I don't want them in my head. I feel like I have too many people in there already and I'm not even sure what all is going on in there.
I do know that I'm numb. Incredibly numb. Silence is doing more for me than music is, and when you're a music artist it scares the crap out of you.
I did spend time with a dear friend who graduated from MC and now lives in Memphis, Sarah Benke, and she sat and just listened today as I explained frustrations and complications and things like that. She went through a not-so-similar situation with her parents this past spring (and when I say not-so I mean not with my same circumstances but the way the parents acted were close to the same) and so she was saying that everything was going to be okay and that I was God's and not my parent's. I mean, I am my parents but doing God's will and doing what He wants is far far more important than anything my parents want. That was strange to think about, but I think it's true.
Talked to my Big today, she is wonderful that Bailey, talked to Graysen, talked to Ellie, talked to Helen, talked to Sarah Kate, talked to Dex, talked to Shane, and talked to Tiffany. People who know and people who don't know, and both won't quit loving on me and pouring into me and giving me Scripture and saying God has me here for a reason.
God, I don't deserve them, but thank you for giving them anyway.
I'm headed to Union tomorrow. No, not to look around and check out the school, to practice. To get by myself in a sound-proof room and either scream, cry, talk out loud, sing, play, dance, just sit, or all of the above. I kind of can't wait. Only downside? Leaving at 645 in the morning. Yeah. So on that note (which, we'll make that note a D flat), I'm going to head to bed. Couch. Whatever. Thanks for, well, I don't know.
Thanks :)
Monday, October 3, 2011
my life in a song... or two
If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to
*~* different song *~*
My Beloved - Kari Jobe
You're My Beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me, My love
You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me
Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to faceI see no stain on you, My child
You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me
I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me
I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole
You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to
*~* different song *~*
My Beloved - Kari Jobe
You're My Beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me, My love
You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me
Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to faceI see no stain on you, My child
You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me
I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me
I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole
You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Here Comes the Sun
Yes, the sun was out today but it was chilly! Finally got out of the house since Wednesday, only to go to my little sister's last couple of soccer games. I rocked my black and yellow glasses with sweatpants, felt like a pretty legit college kid. Came home and passed out on the couch.. I didn't think walking around soccer fields could wear me out but it did.
Let me explain my room setup here: Last summer when I moved out, the rents decided that since the 2 oldest were up and out of the house that they should rearrange all the rooms entirely to best accommodate the other 8. Which was and still is fine, I'm not saying I have a problem with that, but it did make Christmas and summer break feel more like breaks because we didn't have our rooms and beds to come back to; we had bunks that were shared with us and pillows and storage space that no one was using at the time. All of that to say, with me coming home so abruptly on Wednesday, they didn't have time to shake up and rearrange the other 8's rooming situations so I'm downstairs in the music room. My bed is a couch, a freaking wonderful couch at that, all goose feather and such, but it's still a couch. My dresser is one that my little brother isn't using (so the drawers are pretty small), my bookshelf is one that's used for school so there are a lot of books on shelves that I would like space for, my closet is upstairs wherever my younger sisters could make room, and the piano is sitting smack in the middle of my "room".
Now. The piano, at MC, in my lock-able sound proof practice room is probably one of my best friends, simply because of the hours I spent with it, the emotions I played on it, the words it heard when I was on the phone, and the tears it caught when I didn't know what else to do. This piano here is foreign to me... I don't know it and it doesn't know me. I don't want to expose my heart to it, not yet anyway. And if and when I do I don't want anyone else around to hear or see it. This might just be a musician thing, or just a Kendall thing. I don't know.
Moving on: I'm still having trouble deciding what emotion I should place over this whole situation. It's getting closer and closer to a toss-up between sad and bitter now. At the same time the sense of loss is so great I just want to wear black and not eat and cry all the time. That creates problem because I like color way too much, I get hungry, and crying is too exhausting and is a bit awkward when you're around other people, you know?
I talked to one of my absolute favorite people in Singers today, Sarah Beth, she was and still is a person I consider a "Big" in my life. She sat beside me last year in Singers, and let me tell you, the people you sit beside in that choir you get to know them preeeeetty well. She's one of the first people I've talked to aside from the people who know the situation. She made me cry by telling me that she cried when she found out. When she asked the question, "Is there anything I can do?" I blanked. What on earth do I tell people they can do? Can they do anything in this setting for me? Can they help without having to know all the details? My mind kind of exploded but I got it together and just answered, "You can pray.." and I decided that's about all I can say right now.
I went to go see my soul, Erin, she's been a trooper through this whole thing from the summer up until Wednesday, and I don't know what I wanted to get accomplished by seeing her but I just wanted the comfort of being around someone who knew and just wanted to make things as normal and as better as possible (I don't think the grammar right there is correct, at all). She was hanging with her big sister and watching football (one thing I lack and one thing I really could care less for) and they were talking just in a sister sort of way so I left after awhile, came home, and watched 2003 Bellevue's Singing Christmas Tree. An impeccable way to take me down memory lane (6th grade?) and remind me that I still have something to look forward to this Christmas season.
Dad and I are (finally) talking about getting me a car! All I need is a job, specifically not where I have to smile at people all day every day, I'm just not ready for that, and specifically something where I can use my gifts and my talents and be good at it! Is this too picky and unrealistic? Probably so. Until reality hits though, something along those lines would be my ideal job.
I've been in the Word and trying to get things to stick and it's just hard right now. I'm reading through Isaiah, and when I say reading through I mean like chapters 40-60. Isaiah is pretty hardcore. Writing out verses on index cards has always been my system of memorizing and reminding, and right now it's the process of reading and then applying is where I'm struggling right now. I don't know if that's me or my current situation is just making it hard... I think it's a lot of both.
Tomorrow will be a day needed. The family is trying out a new church, High Point, and then Sarah Kate and Shane are coming over. Two people from school who have made and make my life wonderful. I'll let you know how all that goes and figure out how to post pictures so ya'll can see. Goodnight :)
Let me explain my room setup here: Last summer when I moved out, the rents decided that since the 2 oldest were up and out of the house that they should rearrange all the rooms entirely to best accommodate the other 8. Which was and still is fine, I'm not saying I have a problem with that, but it did make Christmas and summer break feel more like breaks because we didn't have our rooms and beds to come back to; we had bunks that were shared with us and pillows and storage space that no one was using at the time. All of that to say, with me coming home so abruptly on Wednesday, they didn't have time to shake up and rearrange the other 8's rooming situations so I'm downstairs in the music room. My bed is a couch, a freaking wonderful couch at that, all goose feather and such, but it's still a couch. My dresser is one that my little brother isn't using (so the drawers are pretty small), my bookshelf is one that's used for school so there are a lot of books on shelves that I would like space for, my closet is upstairs wherever my younger sisters could make room, and the piano is sitting smack in the middle of my "room".
Now. The piano, at MC, in my lock-able sound proof practice room is probably one of my best friends, simply because of the hours I spent with it, the emotions I played on it, the words it heard when I was on the phone, and the tears it caught when I didn't know what else to do. This piano here is foreign to me... I don't know it and it doesn't know me. I don't want to expose my heart to it, not yet anyway. And if and when I do I don't want anyone else around to hear or see it. This might just be a musician thing, or just a Kendall thing. I don't know.
Moving on: I'm still having trouble deciding what emotion I should place over this whole situation. It's getting closer and closer to a toss-up between sad and bitter now. At the same time the sense of loss is so great I just want to wear black and not eat and cry all the time. That creates problem because I like color way too much, I get hungry, and crying is too exhausting and is a bit awkward when you're around other people, you know?
I talked to one of my absolute favorite people in Singers today, Sarah Beth, she was and still is a person I consider a "Big" in my life. She sat beside me last year in Singers, and let me tell you, the people you sit beside in that choir you get to know them preeeeetty well. She's one of the first people I've talked to aside from the people who know the situation. She made me cry by telling me that she cried when she found out. When she asked the question, "Is there anything I can do?" I blanked. What on earth do I tell people they can do? Can they do anything in this setting for me? Can they help without having to know all the details? My mind kind of exploded but I got it together and just answered, "You can pray.." and I decided that's about all I can say right now.
I went to go see my soul, Erin, she's been a trooper through this whole thing from the summer up until Wednesday, and I don't know what I wanted to get accomplished by seeing her but I just wanted the comfort of being around someone who knew and just wanted to make things as normal and as better as possible (I don't think the grammar right there is correct, at all). She was hanging with her big sister and watching football (one thing I lack and one thing I really could care less for) and they were talking just in a sister sort of way so I left after awhile, came home, and watched 2003 Bellevue's Singing Christmas Tree. An impeccable way to take me down memory lane (6th grade?) and remind me that I still have something to look forward to this Christmas season.
Dad and I are (finally) talking about getting me a car! All I need is a job, specifically not where I have to smile at people all day every day, I'm just not ready for that, and specifically something where I can use my gifts and my talents and be good at it! Is this too picky and unrealistic? Probably so. Until reality hits though, something along those lines would be my ideal job.
I've been in the Word and trying to get things to stick and it's just hard right now. I'm reading through Isaiah, and when I say reading through I mean like chapters 40-60. Isaiah is pretty hardcore. Writing out verses on index cards has always been my system of memorizing and reminding, and right now it's the process of reading and then applying is where I'm struggling right now. I don't know if that's me or my current situation is just making it hard... I think it's a lot of both.
Tomorrow will be a day needed. The family is trying out a new church, High Point, and then Sarah Kate and Shane are coming over. Two people from school who have made and make my life wonderful. I'll let you know how all that goes and figure out how to post pictures so ya'll can see. Goodnight :)
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