A Letter

Dear God,

You know my heart, I've laid it down before You. God, you know my deep desires. But I know that You've got a plan and if you choose not to give me what I want, You'll give me something much much better.
Father, help me to let go. I want to hold on so tightly but it hurts so much. I love a lot of people and a lot of things, but God that's ME loving them... not You thru me. Let me love only what You love. Help my heart to just let go.
I want to follow in Your will and Your way because mine clearly mess up and crumble every single time.
I want my heart to beat the same as Yours. Feel Your breaths and Yours beats and Your aches and Your love.
Daddy none of this is easy. You never said it was going to be. You never said it was going to be this hard either. And one day I'll realize how close You've been; how through every circumstance and situation You were there, looking at me, and loving me every second. For no matter what I did or who I hurt or the lies I told or the guilt I felt or the people I crushed or the mess I made or the disappointment I brought, You were there waiting for me to turn around and run to You.
Daddy I need you. I need you right now. I need some form of arms around me, hands holding me, and gentle words being spoken to me. I need someone to catch my tears (full of mascara) before they get all over my bed sheets again. I need a physical You.
God, if the only form of the physical You is the Bible, then believe when I say I'm going to be cuddling up to and crying to and talking to and yelling and screaming to and apologizing to that thing until my physical need for You is met. You gave me that, and it's You in one of the truest forms.
Father, I know this will all take awhile, and I'm still struggling day after day, but I'm ready to be completely and wholly Yours again. I'm ready to fall in love again. I'm ready to hear You whisper oh so softly into my ear. I'm ready to cry because I'm overwhelmed with happiness and joy with what You've blessed me with. I'm ready to have peace in You. I'm so ready to find rest in You. I'm so ready to lose this bitterness and anger and hurt with You and with others.
God, I'm sorry. About everything. Everybody messes up, yeah, but I hate hurting you. I hate knowing that You were rejected and ignored and were taking blows left and right from me. I hate knowing that You're vulnerable, just like me, and those hurt You, just like they do me.
I'm ready to feel like a little kid again, crawling up in Your lap simply to have big, strong arms around me and my back rubbed and hair petted. I'm ready to trust in You COMPLETELY. I'm ready to create one dependency and it be in You alone.
I'm ready to feel like a child at home.
I'm ready to come home.


Love,
Kendall