Here Comes the Sun

Yes, the sun was out today but it was chilly! Finally got out of the house since Wednesday, only to go to my little sister's last couple of soccer games. I rocked my black and yellow glasses with sweatpants, felt like a pretty legit college kid. Came home and passed out on the couch.. I didn't think walking around soccer fields could wear me out but it did.
Let me explain my room setup here: Last summer when I moved out, the rents decided that since the 2 oldest were up and out of the house that they should rearrange all the rooms entirely to best accommodate the other 8. Which was and still is fine, I'm not saying I have a problem with that, but it did make Christmas and summer break feel more like breaks because we didn't have our rooms and beds to come back to; we had bunks that were shared with us and pillows and storage space that no one was using at the time. All of that to say, with me coming home so abruptly on Wednesday, they didn't have time to shake up and rearrange the other 8's rooming situations so I'm downstairs in the music room. My bed is a couch, a freaking wonderful couch at that, all goose feather and such, but it's still a couch. My dresser is one that my little brother isn't using (so the drawers are pretty small), my bookshelf is one that's used for school so there are a lot of books on shelves that I would like space for, my closet is upstairs wherever my younger sisters could make room, and the piano is sitting smack in the middle of my "room".
Now. The piano, at MC, in my lock-able sound proof practice room is probably one of my best friends, simply because of the hours I spent with it, the emotions I played on it, the words it heard when I was on the phone, and the tears it caught when I didn't know what else to do. This piano here is foreign to me... I don't know it and it doesn't know me. I don't want to expose my heart to it, not yet anyway. And if and when I do I don't want anyone else around to hear or see it. This might just be a musician thing, or just a Kendall thing. I don't know.
Moving on: I'm still having trouble deciding what emotion I should place over this whole situation. It's getting closer and closer to a toss-up between sad and bitter now. At the same time the sense of loss is so great I just want to wear black and not eat and cry all the time. That creates problem because I like color way too much, I get hungry, and crying is too exhausting and is a bit awkward when you're around other people, you know?
I talked to one of my absolute favorite people in Singers today, Sarah Beth, she was and still is a person I consider a "Big" in my life. She sat beside me last year in Singers, and let me tell you, the people you sit beside in that choir you get to know them preeeeetty well. She's one of the first people I've talked to aside from the people who know the situation. She made me cry by telling me that she cried when she found out. When she asked the question, "Is there anything I can do?" I blanked. What on earth do I tell people they can do? Can they do anything in this setting for me? Can they help without having to know all the details? My mind kind of exploded but I got it together and just answered, "You can pray.." and I decided that's about all I can say right now.
I went to go see my soul, Erin, she's been a trooper through this whole thing from the summer up until Wednesday, and I don't know what I wanted to get accomplished by seeing her but I just wanted the comfort of being around someone who knew and just wanted to make things as normal and as better as possible (I don't think the grammar right there is correct, at all). She was hanging with her big sister and watching football (one thing I lack and one thing I really could care less for) and they were talking just in a sister sort of way so I left after awhile, came home, and watched 2003 Bellevue's Singing Christmas Tree. An impeccable way to take me down memory lane (6th grade?) and remind me that I still have something to look forward to this Christmas season.
Dad and I are (finally) talking about getting me a car! All I need is a job, specifically not where I have to smile at people all day every day, I'm just not ready for that, and specifically something where I can use my gifts and my talents and be good at it! Is this too picky and unrealistic? Probably so. Until reality hits though, something along those lines would be my ideal job.
I've been in the Word and trying to get things to stick and it's just hard right now. I'm reading through Isaiah, and when I say reading through I mean like chapters 40-60. Isaiah is pretty hardcore. Writing out verses on index cards has always been my system of memorizing and reminding, and right now it's the process of reading and then applying is where I'm struggling right now. I don't know if that's me or my current situation is just making it hard... I think it's a lot of both.
Tomorrow will be a day needed. The family is trying out a new church, High Point, and then Sarah Kate and Shane are coming over. Two people from school who have made and make my life wonderful. I'll let you know how all that goes and figure out how to post pictures so ya'll can see. Goodnight :)