Beautiful Beautiful

Hi.
I'm going to talk about my yesterday and my today.
Yesterday, Wednesday, I went up to Union University with my dad and my brother. I went strictly because I wanted a practice room; not necessarily to practice music in but just to be in a soundproof familiar sort of room. I did end up taking every single one of my music books (piano, voice, Singers, Mixed Company, high school piano music, EVERYTHING) just in case the urge to get into my music hit me. I let an old friend, Helen, know I was coming up there because she goes there and has my same major (Music Ed) so if I ran into her it wouldn't be awkward or anything. We ended up having lunch together, spending about 30 bucks on rooster t-shirts in Lifeway, grabbing Starbucks, and sitting and talking about everything. I unloaded everything on her and she just sat and listened. One thing I guess I had forgotten was that Helen and I kinda grew up together, and when I say grew up I mean all through middle school and high school, but we were the best of best friends ever, so after spilling my guts and crying a little she knew exactly what I needed as far as physical and spiritual comfort goes and she knows me well enough to know what I was thinking and feeling without having to ask and I didn't realize how much I craved that. Yes, I love the friends and relationships I formed while I was at MC but those people will never know me as well as Helen does simply because they weren't there to see the things I went through that made me, me; they only saw the finished product and that's who they became friends with. I can't describe it much better than that but it was so very good.
One thing I felt as I was walking that campus and eating lunch in their cafeteria and meeting people there, was I felt a sense of peace. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart," it says somewhere in Psalms and not that I'm "delight-ing" right now but I can feel a lot of my desire lessening from MC. Which right now is good because all my desire for MC is making my heart hurt that much more and I'm ready to stop hurting. I don't know if that means Union is where I'm supposed to be, but it did mean that things weren't as bad as they felt anymore. And if Union IS where I'm supposed to be and God wants me there, then He can make me fall in love with the people and the place so much more than I ever did at MC. I hate saying that but it's true.
That's all I'm going to say about Union because if I say more then I'll have to talk about their Singers and we're just NOT gonna go there.
Today started off not so great, was the mediocre, got better, and stayed that way.
Here it is: woke up around 1130 (which was AWESOME considering I fell asleep around 830 last night from spending all my energy at Union!), talked to mom and told her I did not want to go to counseling. I wasn't ready to let another person in and I wasn't ready to talk or anything yet. That upset her so she went outside and cried, again, she's been doing that a lot lately. Sorry, Mom. We decided to take all the kids and go to Shelby Farms instead. Weather was Nike shorts and t-shirt appropriate so that's what we all sported. It was good to get out of the house and outside, even if all I did was find a shady spot and just sit/lay down the few hours we were there. Spend some quality time with Liv and Elle, but mostly Liv which was very needed. I finally broke and told her everything that was going on but she already knew everything. Oh.
Mom suggested hitting up Sonic for Happy Hour so sped there and had 3 minutes to spare when we pulled in. Try to picture a mother and 8 kids parking and straight up hauling to the order-machines to get their orders in before 4pm, ahaha. Came home around 5 and chilled for awhile, started to get hungry so very sloth-like (because I am a lazy creature) started getting things ready for dinner. We had Mexican, they like that a lot around here, a lot.
After dinner my old friend Lauren came over just to hang out and catch up. We made small talk and drank coffee for the first hour and a half and then I asked how her life was. Whew. That opened her right up and I found out she was going through very very similar things I was going through and her parents were handling things similar to the way my parents were handling things (probably because our parents are super close friends)! The only difference between Lauren and I right now is this: she has had things taken from her and she's hit the bottom. She knows what she has to do as far as getting things right with God, her parents, and her life and she's doing it. Me? I've had things taken from me and I've the hit the bottom. I know what I have to do (for the most part) as far as getting things right with God, my parents, and my life and I haven't started doing it yet.
I'm still bitter and am not ready to forgive anyone yet. A lot of me has to be fixed before anything else also. One things Helen told me yesterday was that God knew all of this form the beginning. He knew that MC was going to be my first school but not my last. He knew I would be home this semester. He knew I would be completely broken with everything and that was His plan. So He could take every single piece I've been broken in to and put it back together how HE wants and not I. One thing Lauren said was the point I'm at in my life right now is the point where I decide: do I keep trying to fix this or do I (finally) let God? She said God was going to get me to a point where it was just Him and I and nothing else if I wasn't where He wanted me. I knew I was very much not where I needed to be with my lifestyle and my walk, and I guess He knew that this, and only this, would get my attention and say, "Okay, My child, NOW you're listening!" Which it shouldn't have to come to that, to taking away everything and breaking us completely to get our attention directed towards Him but if He sees necessary, there's really nothing stopping Him is there?
I've got a lot to chew on and a lot of progress to make, I'm kind of ready to get there.
One more thing. I mentioned getting a new job because my job at the preschool was just not gonna happen, BUT, my boss called today and offered full time, 40+ hours a week, up-ing my pay and putting me with my favorite most compatible co-worker. What did I say? Heck yes. I don't start for another 2 weeks, which is fine with me, I'll still have time to recuperate and rest and such, and then I can hit it full swing. Yay. Getting a car this semester will be a ton easier with all that dough coming in too. I don't know about school in the spring yet; wherever I go will be semi-awkward because coming in halfway through the year being a Music Major just complicates things but I don't have to figure any of that out tonight.
Talked to the best friend, Erin, tonight. She's also considering/praying/most probably attending Union next fall. Who knows? We might end up there together!
God, You got this. Not me. Let's keep it that way.
:)

ONE MORE THING
(Francesca Battistelli's song, Beautiful Beautiful lyrics)

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace