Yes, today was that one day that we are excited for all the other 364 days of the year haha :P And to be honest, this was probably the first year where I didn't feel in the least bit "Scrooge-y" at all!
But now that Christmas is over, NO MORE SECRET KEEPING!!! Haha my big brother and I have been planning on buying our parents cruise ship tickets since October, and I can't believe out of all 10 of us kids, we made it this far without letting it slip! Success! Although my parents didn't believe us at first, at all (they thought we were playing a mean joke on them. Thanks.), and then it hit them that we were actually being serious and now we're just waiting for the reality to set in. Goodness, my parents.
One thing I do love about Christmas though, and birthdays, is getting those someones presents! Getting to roam through stores and the mall and random shops until you find something that is so beyond perfect, wrapping it, and then seeing their face when they open it. I love that feeling almost more than bacon... and that's a lot.
On a completely different note, and on something I wouldn't normally write about, ever, I just wanted to voice/think out loud about something. My cousin and I were talking tonight about how being in college for over a year has really changed our mindsets on a lot of things and one of the huge things for her was virginity. She said that out of her group of friends at school, she was the only one who hadn't lost it yet. Maybe it's from being at MC or maybe just being close to people who have the same viewpoints as I do, but I've never viewed that as something I was ready and/or willing to give away if and when all my friends started to. In my opinion, there's only one occasion you should give that away, and it's on your wedding night! God gave it to us to give to one person under the law of marriage, not in a dorm room, not with someone you'll never see again, and not to just do it. I was struggling to see it like she did; as something to give up; to get out of the way, strictly because you're in college and it's what everybody's doing and all your friends have been doing it or have recently done it.
No thanks, I'm holding onto that one for a loooooong time.
Anyway, a little out of the norm of something for me to write about, but I felt I should.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
better run, better run
Why is it, that in all of my unimportant and/or retarded life situations that I go through, I feel like I can (and am) the more mature one, the bigger person, or the one who's got their head on straight? BUT when it comes to all the important, life changing situations and decisions and things, I am pretty much 100% immature and childish and unprepared?
It's like I know what I'm supposed to do and say and act and react in every other circumstance but when the time comes and it really and truly matter, I just blow it.
Does that ever happen to you? It does for me.
Is this what I need to master to grow up? Or will I always ALWAYS have this problem? (If I do, gosh, I'll shoot myself).
Just a thought... written down.
It's like I know what I'm supposed to do and say and act and react in every other circumstance but when the time comes and it really and truly matter, I just blow it.
Does that ever happen to you? It does for me.
Is this what I need to master to grow up? Or will I always ALWAYS have this problem? (If I do, gosh, I'll shoot myself).
Just a thought... written down.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
All of ME.
As another meltdown from life hit me this week (yes, they're coming often now. Well, this week they are.), and as I found myself (yet again) out on my road in the middle of my neighborhood in the darkness looking up to the cloudy night sky, ALL that came to mind were these things:
That God is still God and He is still good.
That I'll praise Him in this storm and I will lift my hands, cause He is who He is no matter where I am.
And that He's gonna have all of me. He's worth every (single, multiple, stupid, and important) tear, He's worth facing every (itty-bitty, life-threatning, only-important-to-me, important-to-the-world) fear. He's gonna have all my love even if it's not enough. I don't know what to do or where to go, but giving Him all of me is where I'll start.
My hope can only be in Him and Him alone, because as I've seen time and time again, the things I put my hope in fail me every single time. And I end up sitting in the road, crying and praying and asking God to make it not hurt anymore. Tonight, though, God said, "Okay Kendall, I think you've run out of things to hope in now. Are you ready to finally put your hope and all your hope in Me?"
Hit me like a bag of bricks, that's for sure.
But I am ready.
That God is still God and He is still good.
That I'll praise Him in this storm and I will lift my hands, cause He is who He is no matter where I am.
And that He's gonna have all of me. He's worth every (single, multiple, stupid, and important) tear, He's worth facing every (itty-bitty, life-threatning, only-important-to-me, important-to-the-world) fear. He's gonna have all my love even if it's not enough. I don't know what to do or where to go, but giving Him all of me is where I'll start.
My hope can only be in Him and Him alone, because as I've seen time and time again, the things I put my hope in fail me every single time. And I end up sitting in the road, crying and praying and asking God to make it not hurt anymore. Tonight, though, God said, "Okay Kendall, I think you've run out of things to hope in now. Are you ready to finally put your hope and all your hope in Me?"
Hit me like a bag of bricks, that's for sure.
But I am ready.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
my week
Whoa, this past week has been so chocked full of experiences and emotions and settings I never thought I'd be in. Now I'm going to walk you through them :)
This past weekend was spent in my hearttown, Clinton, MS. Where on this weekend I was able to be reunited with people that I loved, I got to see an amazing choir perform and cry my eyes out knowing that I got to be a part of it last year. I visited my beloved practice room, 315, and found after all this time of not playing piano that when finally left to myself and my own practice room, I couldn't play a thing. And I was very okay with it. I got to cry tears of happiness from spending time with a group of girls very near and dear to my heart. I got to have pink lemonade juice popper things in my ice cream at Yogn Frut! And as much as I hate the caf food, I got to eat 2 meals in there and see people I've been missing for the past 2 months. I also got to share my heart with the dear friend I rode down there and back up with; something I haven't truly done in awhile.
One thing I felt while down there, is that God withheld all my feelings and emotions of heartache and longing to be back there and replaced them with peace. Now I don't know if that means I'm supposed to go somewhere else in the fall, but if it does, then He made it easier on me by so much. One thing my dad told me today was that it wasn't about praying to God for a decision, it was about praying that my thoughts and decision lined up with His exactly, and everything else would fall into place.
Another thing that came into realization last weekend, was that I have a lot of girls very near and dear to my heart. A group of girls that I can be completely real with, cry with, laugh with, and have closeness with for the rest of my life. That's something I've really been yearning for lately and God reminded me so fully that I couldn't hardly express to them what they meant to me!
And the last thing that was learned this weekend was that as much as I said my heart was fine, it wasn't. There is still a huge attachment down at MC and I can't do anything about it. I just gotta keep praying that God does what He does best and everything I do should be done with the one intention to glorify Him.
Work this week has been hectic; getting all things Christmas mostly out of the way because one of our main co-workers is leaving town today and isn't returning until the 27th! (Now I just have to find her the perfect Christmas present...). But Tuesday was a day that will be remembered QUITE vividly. I had eaten breakfast but not lunch yet, though I had snacked on a few tater tots and hotdogs, I had a pain in my back that was killing me and the only pain reliever we had at work was ibuprofen. Now, one thing my mom has always told me in regards to taking ibuprofen was to never take it on an empty stomach. I was almost on my lunch break and had snacked a bit, so I figured I'd be okay for a little while at least.
Ha.
After about 35 minutes of waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in but getting nothing but a headache and intense stomach pain, I decided to go to the kitchen and make me some soup. As soon as I stood up and started walking I was hit with nausea so hard that I ran to the bathroom and could only sit there with my hands in my face leaning over the toilet. I asked my boss to bring me the bottle of ibuprofen and I started scanning frantically for any possible side effects that came with taking these pills without eating. Couldn't find squat. At this point in time, my headache was splitting, I was shivering, and was having aches in my arms and legs, and the level of pain in my stomach was unbearable. I called my mom and told her what was going on and she said she'd call me back after she Googled it. At this point in time my boss and a few other workers had taken notice that I was NOT okay, so they started researching too. I was now super pale and was shaking uncontrollably. My mom called me back, told me ibuprofen and zoloft were not supposed to be taken together (?!?) and told me she was on her way to come get me and take me to the hospital.
FREAK OUT.
5 minutes later I asked my boss to drive me to St. Francis because I couldn't take much more of what was happening to me. It was getting hard to breathe normally, my heart was racing, and I literally felt like I was going to implode any second.
We got to the hospital and my mom arrived about 10 minutes later, they got my information, checked my vitals, and got my into my hallway (all the rooms were full) and onto my own stretcher. I had calmed down a bit but was still freaking out. The doctor came by, asked what had happened, I told him everything, and that's when my treatment stuff started. Blegh. My nice nurse got my IV hooked up, lots of blood drawn, and injected 3 things into my little tube. 2 muscle relaxers and something else that I can't remember. She also gave me something to drink that had 3 other drugs in it to calm my stomach down and to numb it completely, so of course drinking that made my whole throat down completely numb. Trippy. She then started sticking these little sticker things on me and I later was told it was an EKG thing. Whoop whoop! Everything was fine with my heart and my blood work though, so then they rolled my stretcher to the x-ray room and x-rayed my chest. Which, the x-ray guy told me I had long lungs. I don't know if that was a compliment, if it was unusual, or if he was merely stating a fact.They finally sent me home after 5 or so hours with some relaxer meds and drugs for the acidic level in my stomach to be on for about a week or two.
Gosh, that shook me up pretty bad. I still have a nice bruise where my IV was, my arm is still sore from it, and I still have sticky residue from all my EKG stickers and my IV tape. Any suggestion as to how to get it off already?!
Anyway, I didn't go to work the next day until noon, which I hardly did anything so it was a rather relaxing day.
Thursday was a long day, with a retarded boy story, ask me about it. Then after work, the best friend and I went to the SCT dress rehearsal! One bad thing about Tree alumni though, we kinda bad mouthed it.... a lot. Not a great idea when you're sitting right behind the director and producer and orchestra and script writer. Yikes.
My Friday was also a long day, but it was a very good day. I dressed down, way down, for work (because I can do that) and was rockin' some LT sweatpants with a hoodie =D I brought a cute outfit for our work Christmas party afterwards though, which was a BLAST! I absolutely love my coworkers and their hearts and their humor. I really am lucky to have that job, with so many people who care about their fellow workers and what we're teaching the kids and who all share the same beliefs.
I played the mom-card again when I had to go pick up the younger sisters from Tree afterwards, which was fine with me, I play that card way too often anyway so I don't mind it too much.
Today was WONDERFUL strictly because I slept till 1pm, and have done nothing but sit on the couch watching tv, doing laundry, and cleaning my room (which I don't mind at all, don't judge). Still haven't showered and I feel great hehehe ;)
Now I'm about to head to friends of the family's house for dinner and will then return home and crash, because a day of doing nothing can really wear you out!
Thank you for listening about my week, hope yours has been just as eventful!
I'm also incredibly thankful at this point in time that I'm not in school worrying and stressing about exams. =)
This past weekend was spent in my hearttown, Clinton, MS. Where on this weekend I was able to be reunited with people that I loved, I got to see an amazing choir perform and cry my eyes out knowing that I got to be a part of it last year. I visited my beloved practice room, 315, and found after all this time of not playing piano that when finally left to myself and my own practice room, I couldn't play a thing. And I was very okay with it. I got to cry tears of happiness from spending time with a group of girls very near and dear to my heart. I got to have pink lemonade juice popper things in my ice cream at Yogn Frut! And as much as I hate the caf food, I got to eat 2 meals in there and see people I've been missing for the past 2 months. I also got to share my heart with the dear friend I rode down there and back up with; something I haven't truly done in awhile.
One thing I felt while down there, is that God withheld all my feelings and emotions of heartache and longing to be back there and replaced them with peace. Now I don't know if that means I'm supposed to go somewhere else in the fall, but if it does, then He made it easier on me by so much. One thing my dad told me today was that it wasn't about praying to God for a decision, it was about praying that my thoughts and decision lined up with His exactly, and everything else would fall into place.
Another thing that came into realization last weekend, was that I have a lot of girls very near and dear to my heart. A group of girls that I can be completely real with, cry with, laugh with, and have closeness with for the rest of my life. That's something I've really been yearning for lately and God reminded me so fully that I couldn't hardly express to them what they meant to me!
And the last thing that was learned this weekend was that as much as I said my heart was fine, it wasn't. There is still a huge attachment down at MC and I can't do anything about it. I just gotta keep praying that God does what He does best and everything I do should be done with the one intention to glorify Him.
Work this week has been hectic; getting all things Christmas mostly out of the way because one of our main co-workers is leaving town today and isn't returning until the 27th! (Now I just have to find her the perfect Christmas present...). But Tuesday was a day that will be remembered QUITE vividly. I had eaten breakfast but not lunch yet, though I had snacked on a few tater tots and hotdogs, I had a pain in my back that was killing me and the only pain reliever we had at work was ibuprofen. Now, one thing my mom has always told me in regards to taking ibuprofen was to never take it on an empty stomach. I was almost on my lunch break and had snacked a bit, so I figured I'd be okay for a little while at least.
Ha.
After about 35 minutes of waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in but getting nothing but a headache and intense stomach pain, I decided to go to the kitchen and make me some soup. As soon as I stood up and started walking I was hit with nausea so hard that I ran to the bathroom and could only sit there with my hands in my face leaning over the toilet. I asked my boss to bring me the bottle of ibuprofen and I started scanning frantically for any possible side effects that came with taking these pills without eating. Couldn't find squat. At this point in time, my headache was splitting, I was shivering, and was having aches in my arms and legs, and the level of pain in my stomach was unbearable. I called my mom and told her what was going on and she said she'd call me back after she Googled it. At this point in time my boss and a few other workers had taken notice that I was NOT okay, so they started researching too. I was now super pale and was shaking uncontrollably. My mom called me back, told me ibuprofen and zoloft were not supposed to be taken together (?!?) and told me she was on her way to come get me and take me to the hospital.
FREAK OUT.
5 minutes later I asked my boss to drive me to St. Francis because I couldn't take much more of what was happening to me. It was getting hard to breathe normally, my heart was racing, and I literally felt like I was going to implode any second.
We got to the hospital and my mom arrived about 10 minutes later, they got my information, checked my vitals, and got my into my hallway (all the rooms were full) and onto my own stretcher. I had calmed down a bit but was still freaking out. The doctor came by, asked what had happened, I told him everything, and that's when my treatment stuff started. Blegh. My nice nurse got my IV hooked up, lots of blood drawn, and injected 3 things into my little tube. 2 muscle relaxers and something else that I can't remember. She also gave me something to drink that had 3 other drugs in it to calm my stomach down and to numb it completely, so of course drinking that made my whole throat down completely numb. Trippy. She then started sticking these little sticker things on me and I later was told it was an EKG thing. Whoop whoop! Everything was fine with my heart and my blood work though, so then they rolled my stretcher to the x-ray room and x-rayed my chest. Which, the x-ray guy told me I had long lungs. I don't know if that was a compliment, if it was unusual, or if he was merely stating a fact.They finally sent me home after 5 or so hours with some relaxer meds and drugs for the acidic level in my stomach to be on for about a week or two.
Gosh, that shook me up pretty bad. I still have a nice bruise where my IV was, my arm is still sore from it, and I still have sticky residue from all my EKG stickers and my IV tape. Any suggestion as to how to get it off already?!
Anyway, I didn't go to work the next day until noon, which I hardly did anything so it was a rather relaxing day.
Thursday was a long day, with a retarded boy story, ask me about it. Then after work, the best friend and I went to the SCT dress rehearsal! One bad thing about Tree alumni though, we kinda bad mouthed it.... a lot. Not a great idea when you're sitting right behind the director and producer and orchestra and script writer. Yikes.
My Friday was also a long day, but it was a very good day. I dressed down, way down, for work (because I can do that) and was rockin' some LT sweatpants with a hoodie =D I brought a cute outfit for our work Christmas party afterwards though, which was a BLAST! I absolutely love my coworkers and their hearts and their humor. I really am lucky to have that job, with so many people who care about their fellow workers and what we're teaching the kids and who all share the same beliefs.
I played the mom-card again when I had to go pick up the younger sisters from Tree afterwards, which was fine with me, I play that card way too often anyway so I don't mind it too much.
Today was WONDERFUL strictly because I slept till 1pm, and have done nothing but sit on the couch watching tv, doing laundry, and cleaning my room (which I don't mind at all, don't judge). Still haven't showered and I feel great hehehe ;)
Now I'm about to head to friends of the family's house for dinner and will then return home and crash, because a day of doing nothing can really wear you out!
Thank you for listening about my week, hope yours has been just as eventful!
I'm also incredibly thankful at this point in time that I'm not in school worrying and stressing about exams. =)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
25 days till Christmas!
Yes, as the title of this posts reads, today begins the countdown until Christmas. For a person who is never into the Christmas spirit until Christmas Eve, I consider this a huge success.
Work has been getting a lot better, probably because we're constantly making Christmas-y things and decorating and just being busy with all of the holidays happening but I don't mind. I like being busy. It gets my mind off of a million zillion things AND it makes me feel useful :)
::BIG NEWS::
Tomorrow, at precisely 430pm, a friend and I will be departing from here and headed to (da dadaaaaa) Mississippi College! It's going to be a crazy/hectic/exciting/anxious/terrifying/much needed/emotional/heart exploding kind of thing... but I think I'm ready for it.
I left 2 months ago, so I've been home about as long as I was home this summer. Things are different now, oh so different, and I'm not sure if it's all different in a good or bad way or in a way at all. Just different. But I will get to see the people who have made my life bearable over these past 2 months, the people who have loved and still love me regardless of everything, and most importantly I'll get to see the choir, my choir, MC Singers, at their finest, in the Festival of Lights program. I've kind of put off thinking about this weekend until today because I knew I would explode if I did. I don't think it hit me until tonight when I was driving home from Erin's.
I'M SO EXCITED!!!
I just gotta work 5 hours tomorrow, come home, shower and pack, and then I'm off! Wish me luck! I'll be posting soon!
Work has been getting a lot better, probably because we're constantly making Christmas-y things and decorating and just being busy with all of the holidays happening but I don't mind. I like being busy. It gets my mind off of a million zillion things AND it makes me feel useful :)
::BIG NEWS::
Tomorrow, at precisely 430pm, a friend and I will be departing from here and headed to (da dadaaaaa) Mississippi College! It's going to be a crazy/hectic/exciting/anxious/terrifying/much needed/emotional/heart exploding kind of thing... but I think I'm ready for it.
I left 2 months ago, so I've been home about as long as I was home this summer. Things are different now, oh so different, and I'm not sure if it's all different in a good or bad way or in a way at all. Just different. But I will get to see the people who have made my life bearable over these past 2 months, the people who have loved and still love me regardless of everything, and most importantly I'll get to see the choir, my choir, MC Singers, at their finest, in the Festival of Lights program. I've kind of put off thinking about this weekend until today because I knew I would explode if I did. I don't think it hit me until tonight when I was driving home from Erin's.
I'M SO EXCITED!!!
I just gotta work 5 hours tomorrow, come home, shower and pack, and then I'm off! Wish me luck! I'll be posting soon!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
the downfall of us all
Here's one of the problems I have: I am a people pleaser. Yeah, that's right. Kendall Elaine is a people pleaser. I have the hardest time in the WORLD saying "no" to people, even if their requests are outrageous or unrealistic or inconvenient, something inside if me still bubbles up within me and comes out of my mouth as the word, "yes".
Does that bother me? All the freakin time! Do I say anything about it? Heavens no. Do I do anything to fix it? Again, no.
That, my dear reader, is the problem.
How do I find the line between saying agreeing to/with something and bending over backwards and complicating my whole life?
My dad was talking to me about it tonight and said I needed to draw lines and keep them there, not to erase them and draw them somewhere else! My argument was that I have lines to a certain extent, and throughout experiences and trials and tribulations, I'll be able to draw more definite and final lines. This theory doesn't work for every life situation, nor would I apply it to every life situation, but I think it could work for some situations, you know?
Another argument I had was, this girl has the spiritual gift of mercy. Neither of my parents do. So it presents a difficult encounter when I can't make them see why I'm doing something for someone, or I'm going out of my way, or I'm bending over backwards. The only side they seem to come from is the concerned parent side that says that I'm wearing myself thin and not speaking out and letting other people control me.
All of this could be a little bit of everything, I honestly don't know. I think I need to research the gift of mercy a bit more, just for safety.
Anywho, that's what I've been chewing on tonight.
I also hacked up some pumpkins with a baseball bat today. My new favorite thing to do :)
Does that bother me? All the freakin time! Do I say anything about it? Heavens no. Do I do anything to fix it? Again, no.
That, my dear reader, is the problem.
How do I find the line between saying agreeing to/with something and bending over backwards and complicating my whole life?
My dad was talking to me about it tonight and said I needed to draw lines and keep them there, not to erase them and draw them somewhere else! My argument was that I have lines to a certain extent, and throughout experiences and trials and tribulations, I'll be able to draw more definite and final lines. This theory doesn't work for every life situation, nor would I apply it to every life situation, but I think it could work for some situations, you know?
Another argument I had was, this girl has the spiritual gift of mercy. Neither of my parents do. So it presents a difficult encounter when I can't make them see why I'm doing something for someone, or I'm going out of my way, or I'm bending over backwards. The only side they seem to come from is the concerned parent side that says that I'm wearing myself thin and not speaking out and letting other people control me.
All of this could be a little bit of everything, I honestly don't know. I think I need to research the gift of mercy a bit more, just for safety.
Anywho, that's what I've been chewing on tonight.
I also hacked up some pumpkins with a baseball bat today. My new favorite thing to do :)
turkey and gravy, hehe
Hello blog world,
I'm going to make you a list of things I'm thankful for, simply because I need something to fill this post up, and because I want you to know:
- a big family
- loud music
- food, lots of food
- forgiveness
- brown hair
- having the Lord of Lords holding my hand :)
- friends that are just like me
- friends that are completely opposite to me
- having a family that both halves (Mom's side and Dad's side) differ from each other 100%
- my future husband
- trees
- God's planning, timing, and control and not mine
- a car
- a good job (where I still get paid on days when it's closed, like Christmas and Thanksgiving)
- nail clippers, tweezers, razorblades and retainers
- USB cords
- the sun, moon, and stars
- hearts
- little brothers and little sisters... and a big brother
- parents who are (even though sometimes they really aren't) some of the best parents in the world
- true friends
- cute clothes
- blue jeans
- PAJAMA PANTS
- earrings
- makeup, especially mascara, especially waterproof mascara
- cheese
- cameras with which to take cute pictures
- pianos and piano playing
- couches
- (and my new addiction) coffee
- lamps
- a voice to sing with
- TOMS
- online shopping
- cozy blankets and hoodies
- fellowship with fellow believers
- being intimate with my Jesus
- sarcasm
- puzzles. just kidding. I hate those.
- treseme hairspray
- cows
- silence
- lap sitting
- pets, like my puppy dogs
- musicals
- good tv (that's an oxymoron). good tv shows.
- mercy
- good kids that I babysit
- music majors
- christmas lights
- being home schooled
- ability to read, and to read fast
- popcorn
- trident gum
- disney movies
- red hair (even though I don't have it.)
- pearls
- second families and homes
- lobsters, snow tigers, and platypus
- sweet tea
- dark meat turkey
And I think that's about all for tonight :)
One other thing I wanted to say... tell... write... whatever, is just what being thankful means to me. I think being thankful for something is developing an appreciation for something, whether it be from birth or something you've been told all your life and then coming to appreciate it for what it's truly worth to you personally by losing it and having it come back to you; realizing that you can live without it, but it's miserable. Without it, everything seems strange and out of place, and you're having to find replacements that just aren't making the cut. And then, when it comes back to you, you rejoice with open arms and take in what you've been missing with a whole new viewpoint; an appreciation so deep that it could have only been developed by the absence of what you're appreciating.
Anyway, that's what I like to think being thankful means. I also started that "100 days of gratitude" thing on twitter (you should follow me! (http://twitter.com/#!/KendallEAvery).
I hope you had an awesome Thanksgiving, mine definitely was fun.
Much love from this girl,
Kendall <3
I'm going to make you a list of things I'm thankful for, simply because I need something to fill this post up, and because I want you to know:
- a big family
- loud music
- food, lots of food
- forgiveness
- brown hair
- having the Lord of Lords holding my hand :)
- friends that are just like me
- friends that are completely opposite to me
- having a family that both halves (Mom's side and Dad's side) differ from each other 100%
- my future husband
- trees
- God's planning, timing, and control and not mine
- a car
- a good job (where I still get paid on days when it's closed, like Christmas and Thanksgiving)
- nail clippers, tweezers, razorblades and retainers
- USB cords
- the sun, moon, and stars
- hearts
- little brothers and little sisters... and a big brother
- parents who are (even though sometimes they really aren't) some of the best parents in the world
- true friends
- cute clothes
- blue jeans
- PAJAMA PANTS
- earrings
- makeup, especially mascara, especially waterproof mascara
- cheese
- cameras with which to take cute pictures
- pianos and piano playing
- couches
- (and my new addiction) coffee
- lamps
- a voice to sing with
- TOMS
- online shopping
- cozy blankets and hoodies
- fellowship with fellow believers
- being intimate with my Jesus
- sarcasm
- puzzles. just kidding. I hate those.
- treseme hairspray
- cows
- silence
- lap sitting
- pets, like my puppy dogs
- musicals
- good tv (that's an oxymoron). good tv shows.
- mercy
- good kids that I babysit
- music majors
- christmas lights
- being home schooled
- ability to read, and to read fast
- popcorn
- trident gum
- disney movies
- red hair (even though I don't have it.)
- pearls
- second families and homes
- lobsters, snow tigers, and platypus
- sweet tea
- dark meat turkey
And I think that's about all for tonight :)
One other thing I wanted to say... tell... write... whatever, is just what being thankful means to me. I think being thankful for something is developing an appreciation for something, whether it be from birth or something you've been told all your life and then coming to appreciate it for what it's truly worth to you personally by losing it and having it come back to you; realizing that you can live without it, but it's miserable. Without it, everything seems strange and out of place, and you're having to find replacements that just aren't making the cut. And then, when it comes back to you, you rejoice with open arms and take in what you've been missing with a whole new viewpoint; an appreciation so deep that it could have only been developed by the absence of what you're appreciating.
Anyway, that's what I like to think being thankful means. I also started that "100 days of gratitude" thing on twitter (you should follow me! (http://twitter.com/#!/KendallEAvery).
I hope you had an awesome Thanksgiving, mine definitely was fun.
Much love from this girl,
Kendall <3
Friday, November 18, 2011
i.love.scripture.
From my wonderful copy (from Sarah Benke) of Jesus Calling:
November 14th,
Bask in the luxury of being fully understood and unconditionally loved. Dare to see yourself as I see you; radiant in My righteousness, cleansed by My blood. I view you as the one I created you to be, the one you will be in actuality when heaven becomes your home. It is My Life within you that is changing you from glory to glory. Rejoice in this amazing gift of My Spirit in within you!
Try to depend on the help of the Spirit as you go through this day of life. Pause briefly from time to time so you can consult with this Holy One inside you. He will not force you to do His bidding, but He will guide you as you give Him space in your life. Walk along this wondrous way of collaboration with My Spirit.
Psalm 34:5 -- Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
2 Corinthians 5:21 -- God made him who had no sin to be sin for is, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.
2 Corinthians 3:18 -- And we, with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
Galatians 5:25 -- Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
I just love me some Jesus Calling!
On another note, I finally got over my stomach bug (that I've had since Tuesday night. It was the most violent stomach bug I've EVER had, never puked so hard in my life!) and went back to a full day of work today. Which wasn't too awful, it was "Thanksgiving Feast" day, so we all dressed like pilgrims and indians and all the teachers brought Thanksgiving food and we had tons and tons of food. I wasn't able to stomach as much as I thought I would, but I got down some turkey and green bean casserole, woot woot! (Love that stuff... the green bean stuff).
Me and the sisters were supposed to go and see Footloose tonight but we changed our minds and went to House Church instead. At first I wasn't really feeling it, but I'm so glad I went. I love the people there. They're not all my closest friends, but when we're all gathered there talking about Jesus and what He's doing in our lives and what we're individually going through, I really feel Him there... and I feel we are a strong body of believers. It kind of gives a new meaning to the term "brother/sister in Christ"; perfect strangers that you're spilling your guts and your life problems to and having them come pray with you = AMAZING.
During our worship time while we were listening to some good Jesus Culture music, I had the sudden urge to pick up my Bible and find every verse I could about freedom. So I started thumbing through my index and I found me a good deal of verses that just about split my face open from smiling so much. You see, I have this problem of feeling free; my chains being 100% gone; being totally forgiven; being out of sin completely. But these verses made me see differently, and you know what? I am free. I always have been. It's just having to get out of my trapped and sinful mindset to be able to see it! So here are some kick butt freedom verses I found:
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." - 2 Corinthians 3:17
"Therefore, there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." - Romans 8:1-2
"He upholds the cause of the oppressed and gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets prisoners free. He gives sight to the blind and lifts up those who are bowed down..." - Psalm 146:7-8
"You have been set free from sin and have becomes slaves to righteousness." - Romans 6:18
I just got superbly happy after I found those verses, and I'm still on a high from it! While I was reading in Romans, I found more and more good stuff, and I stumbled across a verse I had never read before (funny how that happens, huh?) and I liked it a lot and I'm going to share it because I think it's applicable to a good number of situations/circumstances. Here 'tis:
"...But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
- Romans 8:24-25
I dug it. Oh yeah.
I'm hittin' the sack now, this girl has been up and running since 7am. Goodnight world :)
November 14th,
Bask in the luxury of being fully understood and unconditionally loved. Dare to see yourself as I see you; radiant in My righteousness, cleansed by My blood. I view you as the one I created you to be, the one you will be in actuality when heaven becomes your home. It is My Life within you that is changing you from glory to glory. Rejoice in this amazing gift of My Spirit in within you!
Try to depend on the help of the Spirit as you go through this day of life. Pause briefly from time to time so you can consult with this Holy One inside you. He will not force you to do His bidding, but He will guide you as you give Him space in your life. Walk along this wondrous way of collaboration with My Spirit.
Psalm 34:5 -- Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
2 Corinthians 5:21 -- God made him who had no sin to be sin for is, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.
2 Corinthians 3:18 -- And we, with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
Galatians 5:25 -- Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
I just love me some Jesus Calling!
On another note, I finally got over my stomach bug (that I've had since Tuesday night. It was the most violent stomach bug I've EVER had, never puked so hard in my life!) and went back to a full day of work today. Which wasn't too awful, it was "Thanksgiving Feast" day, so we all dressed like pilgrims and indians and all the teachers brought Thanksgiving food and we had tons and tons of food. I wasn't able to stomach as much as I thought I would, but I got down some turkey and green bean casserole, woot woot! (Love that stuff... the green bean stuff).
Me and the sisters were supposed to go and see Footloose tonight but we changed our minds and went to House Church instead. At first I wasn't really feeling it, but I'm so glad I went. I love the people there. They're not all my closest friends, but when we're all gathered there talking about Jesus and what He's doing in our lives and what we're individually going through, I really feel Him there... and I feel we are a strong body of believers. It kind of gives a new meaning to the term "brother/sister in Christ"; perfect strangers that you're spilling your guts and your life problems to and having them come pray with you = AMAZING.
During our worship time while we were listening to some good Jesus Culture music, I had the sudden urge to pick up my Bible and find every verse I could about freedom. So I started thumbing through my index and I found me a good deal of verses that just about split my face open from smiling so much. You see, I have this problem of feeling free; my chains being 100% gone; being totally forgiven; being out of sin completely. But these verses made me see differently, and you know what? I am free. I always have been. It's just having to get out of my trapped and sinful mindset to be able to see it! So here are some kick butt freedom verses I found:
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." - 2 Corinthians 3:17
"Therefore, there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." - Romans 8:1-2
"He upholds the cause of the oppressed and gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets prisoners free. He gives sight to the blind and lifts up those who are bowed down..." - Psalm 146:7-8
"You have been set free from sin and have becomes slaves to righteousness." - Romans 6:18
I just got superbly happy after I found those verses, and I'm still on a high from it! While I was reading in Romans, I found more and more good stuff, and I stumbled across a verse I had never read before (funny how that happens, huh?) and I liked it a lot and I'm going to share it because I think it's applicable to a good number of situations/circumstances. Here 'tis:
"...But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
- Romans 8:24-25
I dug it. Oh yeah.
I'm hittin' the sack now, this girl has been up and running since 7am. Goodnight world :)
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Truth
I can sing I can sing I can siiiiiiing again!
And I love it!!
I went to a concert tonight at Bellevue and a group called Truth was singing. I am a huge sucker for a cappella, contemporary, Christian music and I was dying to jump up on that stage and belt it out with them! Me and my girl, E, went back to her house and watched an old Bellevue Choir Tour to get all of our singing out of our systems (with peanut butter crackers and s'mores on the side hehe) and I just felt like I was FLYING on the inside!
I can't live without singing. I can't. I hate that I haven't been able to these past few weeks, but now that I can again, I can feel it coming from my soul and it feels genuine and it only makes me want to give God the glory and the honor that much more!!
On a side note, a lot of the singers in Truth had gone to the University of Mobile when they were in college. So, I looked it up and applied there. It looks like a great school, and it's a great possibility.
Lord, it's up to You here, not me. My plans suck.
Love you :)
And I love it!!
I went to a concert tonight at Bellevue and a group called Truth was singing. I am a huge sucker for a cappella, contemporary, Christian music and I was dying to jump up on that stage and belt it out with them! Me and my girl, E, went back to her house and watched an old Bellevue Choir Tour to get all of our singing out of our systems (with peanut butter crackers and s'mores on the side hehe) and I just felt like I was FLYING on the inside!
I can't live without singing. I can't. I hate that I haven't been able to these past few weeks, but now that I can again, I can feel it coming from my soul and it feels genuine and it only makes me want to give God the glory and the honor that much more!!
On a side note, a lot of the singers in Truth had gone to the University of Mobile when they were in college. So, I looked it up and applied there. It looks like a great school, and it's a great possibility.
Lord, it's up to You here, not me. My plans suck.
Love you :)
Saturday, November 12, 2011
the day after 11/11/11
Oh my goodness this past week at work has been 100% CRAZY! But State is now gone, even though they picked our room, and there will be no more stressing, no more extra toys, and no extra hand washing. Don't get me wrong, I applaud hand washing and think it should be used fluently in preschools especially when colds and viruses and stomach bugs are going around, but to wash the kids hands after they touch the floor, their face, anyone else in the classroom, the walls, the garbage can, after they play with toys, any part of the faces, their hair, before and after they eat, when their hands touch their mouths even WHEN they're eating, you spend all dagum day washing hands! So now guess who has raw knuckles and fingers because of washing hands so much? This girl. My hands hurt. =(
On other news, I got another Arkansas shirt today. Because I like Arkansas? No way (even though they won tonight 49-7 against UT Knox) but when I go to Erin's house and the game is on, the only way they'll let me eat anything is if I wear an Arkansas shirt! I was getting tired of my other one so I bought a new one! So I know own 2 Arkansas shirts and 2 Alabama shirts. It's really not helping support the fact that I don't like football. -sigh-
I've also been hanging with Erin a lot. Like I mean, do something with her almost every day after work a lot! I haven't gotten tired of it yet, and it's not completely awful haha :) I would consider her my best friend, yes. I tell her everything and she does vice versa. I'm not sure when I started doing that, but it just kind of happened. And it's so weird sometimes how alike we are, with the things we wear and our personalities and attitudes, even some of the things we go through! Love that girl to death. (Tonight we traded glasses too, whoohoo!)
The other day I realized I have been home more than I've been at school this year. Don't know how I feel about that. I really want to go down there at the beginning of December for Festival of Lights to see everybody. Not to go back to anything, but to see everything that has changed now and hug the life out of people who don't see anything differently! Like my LT family and Singers and people like that.
On a side note: I started a husband journal. If it sounds lame, whatever. If it sounds cool, high five.
My husband journal, an idea from an older gal pal of mine, is me just writing love letters to my future husband. And letting him know what I'm going through right now and where my heart is. It's strange when I realize what I'm doing while I'm writing but at the same time it's comforting to know that I'm writing to someone who later in life will help me through everything I'll be going through. I like to think that when I get married and I give him this book of letters/entries or whatever, he'll be able to feel like he was there for me through all of it and that he'll know me so much more.
I don't know, it makes me smile. It makes me pray for him even more. It makes my heart happy knowing that he's out there and that I'm going to meet him one day someday soon. =)
On other news, I got another Arkansas shirt today. Because I like Arkansas? No way (even though they won tonight 49-7 against UT Knox) but when I go to Erin's house and the game is on, the only way they'll let me eat anything is if I wear an Arkansas shirt! I was getting tired of my other one so I bought a new one! So I know own 2 Arkansas shirts and 2 Alabama shirts. It's really not helping support the fact that I don't like football. -sigh-
I've also been hanging with Erin a lot. Like I mean, do something with her almost every day after work a lot! I haven't gotten tired of it yet, and it's not completely awful haha :) I would consider her my best friend, yes. I tell her everything and she does vice versa. I'm not sure when I started doing that, but it just kind of happened. And it's so weird sometimes how alike we are, with the things we wear and our personalities and attitudes, even some of the things we go through! Love that girl to death. (Tonight we traded glasses too, whoohoo!)
The other day I realized I have been home more than I've been at school this year. Don't know how I feel about that. I really want to go down there at the beginning of December for Festival of Lights to see everybody. Not to go back to anything, but to see everything that has changed now and hug the life out of people who don't see anything differently! Like my LT family and Singers and people like that.
On a side note: I started a husband journal. If it sounds lame, whatever. If it sounds cool, high five.
My husband journal, an idea from an older gal pal of mine, is me just writing love letters to my future husband. And letting him know what I'm going through right now and where my heart is. It's strange when I realize what I'm doing while I'm writing but at the same time it's comforting to know that I'm writing to someone who later in life will help me through everything I'll be going through. I like to think that when I get married and I give him this book of letters/entries or whatever, he'll be able to feel like he was there for me through all of it and that he'll know me so much more.
I don't know, it makes me smile. It makes me pray for him even more. It makes my heart happy knowing that he's out there and that I'm going to meet him one day someday soon. =)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Lauren McCuistion
I'm waiting for the sun to rise again
I've got my ear up to the door where You aren't knocking
and all I've strength to do is run my fingers through my hair
and wait for the sun to rise again and stay there
All I ask is that You hold me
these nights when I get cold
in these seasons, cold winter seasons in my soul
Monday, November 7, 2011
School?
Too many school possibilities have been coming up... and I just don't want them to!
In Nashville, Chicago, Jackson, Clinton, it's too much. I don't want to think about any of it right now. I'm not ready.
And I'm really not ready to get back into my music yet; that's harder than it looks.
Another problem I have: pent up things. Like emotions and frustrations and things that people need to get out. Solution? Right now it's sushi from OEC but I can tell that won't work for long.
I should write a book.
Until I get that motivation, Lauren McCuistion and Laura Hackett will be my friends and accompany me some lovely melodies :)
In Nashville, Chicago, Jackson, Clinton, it's too much. I don't want to think about any of it right now. I'm not ready.
And I'm really not ready to get back into my music yet; that's harder than it looks.
Another problem I have: pent up things. Like emotions and frustrations and things that people need to get out. Solution? Right now it's sushi from OEC but I can tell that won't work for long.
I should write a book.
Until I get that motivation, Lauren McCuistion and Laura Hackett will be my friends and accompany me some lovely melodies :)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Responsible Responsibilty
You know, I have this problem of wanting to fix things, especially when I'm the one messing them up. I have yet to learn the lesson of NOT being able to fix everything because I'm stubborn and refuse to believe that I can't fix everything.
But I think that lesson will be learned this time around... a lot of things are happening as a result of this past experience; a ripple effect I guess you could say. People are being effected and they're all handling it differently, and I have to realize that I, Kendall, cannot control people, people's emotions, situations, how people handle situations, God, and how God works through people's emotions handling all of these situations.
I would love to change everything. Yep, everything. But since I can't, I would just love to change and control the things I value most! Because the LAST thing I want is bitterness and rash decisions and hurt, tons and tons of hurt, and brokenness and animosity and frustration and spiritual confusion! I don't want any of that with anybody near me or around me or with anybody!
To say everybody I know is experiencing all of these things strictly because of me would be a bit far fetched... but as I was talking to a very dear friend of mine last night, one of the things she said was that different people handle things differently because it effected them all differently. And that my job was to NOT try and take control but trust God that He would control that and use it for His glory.
So in my eyes, things may not look okay with another person; their lives may change drastically; they might become completely different people; and it's all God's doing.
"For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28
But I think that lesson will be learned this time around... a lot of things are happening as a result of this past experience; a ripple effect I guess you could say. People are being effected and they're all handling it differently, and I have to realize that I, Kendall, cannot control people, people's emotions, situations, how people handle situations, God, and how God works through people's emotions handling all of these situations.
I would love to change everything. Yep, everything. But since I can't, I would just love to change and control the things I value most! Because the LAST thing I want is bitterness and rash decisions and hurt, tons and tons of hurt, and brokenness and animosity and frustration and spiritual confusion! I don't want any of that with anybody near me or around me or with anybody!
To say everybody I know is experiencing all of these things strictly because of me would be a bit far fetched... but as I was talking to a very dear friend of mine last night, one of the things she said was that different people handle things differently because it effected them all differently. And that my job was to NOT try and take control but trust God that He would control that and use it for His glory.
So in my eyes, things may not look okay with another person; their lives may change drastically; they might become completely different people; and it's all God's doing.
"For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28
Monday, October 31, 2011
Happy Halloween
Yes yes yes, we all know today was halloween, whoohooooooo. The only halloween-y thing I did was do a Trunk-or-Treat at my preschool (which all of my kids were SO stinkin ADORABLE!!!), and wore a white v-neck that said "costume". Thus how I celebrated the October holiday. Pfffft.
This past weekend wasn't what I wanted but it was what I needed. I wanted to be back at school, going to an informal, hanging out and laughing and partying with all of my friends, but once again I had to face the reality that I was here. Not there. So I had the miserable face on most all of Friday and Saturday but it hit me hard yesterday.
I DID get out of the house all day Friday and Saturday and spent it with good friends and good food and coffee and corn mazes and new friends and shopping though so points for Kendall! Ha, just kidding.
Sunday I went to my friends' church and it's a really really small one down in midtown. I like my medium-big sized church, so I didn't know how if I'd be "feelin this" or not. It was small, so small, but we walked in right as they were starting worship. I haven't really been in a guitar-drums-contemporary-worship-songs setting for a long time. That kind of scene is the one that gets to me the most. And it's about knowing all the songs and all the words so you can sing loud, it always is, but then it's about stopping... and listening to the words like you did the first time... and realizing that those words you sing over and over and the melodies that you harmonize with over and over... they're exactly what God is giving you because He knows where you're at and know you need them right now.
Yes I know that song "Our God is Greater" who doesn't?! But when I stopped and just listened to the words, "Our God is Healer, OUR God," it kind of presented me at a loss for words.
Because so many times I need God for venting, or I need Him for praying, or I need Him to make this better or make that worse, or I need Him to help others or help me (with selfish things), but I don't think I have recognized that God was Healer of ALL things, and the only thing I needed to do was to just ask. The only Person who could heal me in the deepest way possible, in the truest form possible, in the longest most lasting most intimate promises possible.
My soul, for the first time in awhile, rested. And I was at peace.
Peace is a rare thing, gosh it feels so good.
Me and Jesus also had some quality time in the car; turned off the radio (for once) and just started talking out loud. It was kind of weird at first, but once I started going I couldn't stop. I didn't know I had that much to say or vent or yell or whisper about! Funny thing how He already knew everything I was going to say and yet was still patient and listened?
Mmm :)
This past weekend wasn't what I wanted but it was what I needed. I wanted to be back at school, going to an informal, hanging out and laughing and partying with all of my friends, but once again I had to face the reality that I was here. Not there. So I had the miserable face on most all of Friday and Saturday but it hit me hard yesterday.
I DID get out of the house all day Friday and Saturday and spent it with good friends and good food and coffee and corn mazes and new friends and shopping though so points for Kendall! Ha, just kidding.
Sunday I went to my friends' church and it's a really really small one down in midtown. I like my medium-big sized church, so I didn't know how if I'd be "feelin this" or not. It was small, so small, but we walked in right as they were starting worship. I haven't really been in a guitar-drums-contemporary-worship-songs setting for a long time. That kind of scene is the one that gets to me the most. And it's about knowing all the songs and all the words so you can sing loud, it always is, but then it's about stopping... and listening to the words like you did the first time... and realizing that those words you sing over and over and the melodies that you harmonize with over and over... they're exactly what God is giving you because He knows where you're at and know you need them right now.
Yes I know that song "Our God is Greater" who doesn't?! But when I stopped and just listened to the words, "Our God is Healer, OUR God," it kind of presented me at a loss for words.
Because so many times I need God for venting, or I need Him for praying, or I need Him to make this better or make that worse, or I need Him to help others or help me (with selfish things), but I don't think I have recognized that God was Healer of ALL things, and the only thing I needed to do was to just ask. The only Person who could heal me in the deepest way possible, in the truest form possible, in the longest most lasting most intimate promises possible.
My soul, for the first time in awhile, rested. And I was at peace.
Peace is a rare thing, gosh it feels so good.
Me and Jesus also had some quality time in the car; turned off the radio (for once) and just started talking out loud. It was kind of weird at first, but once I started going I couldn't stop. I didn't know I had that much to say or vent or yell or whisper about! Funny thing how He already knew everything I was going to say and yet was still patient and listened?
Mmm :)
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Halloween Eve
Apathetic is an understatement.
Partially because I'm running on maybe 2 hours of sleep and partially because this weekend and last weekend were hard. Freakin hard.
Understatement.
Partially because I'm running on maybe 2 hours of sleep and partially because this weekend and last weekend were hard. Freakin hard.
Understatement.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
A Letter
Dear God,
You know my heart, I've laid it down before You. God, you know my deep desires. But I know that You've got a plan and if you choose not to give me what I want, You'll give me something much much better.
Father, help me to let go. I want to hold on so tightly but it hurts so much. I love a lot of people and a lot of things, but God that's ME loving them... not You thru me. Let me love only what You love. Help my heart to just let go.
I want to follow in Your will and Your way because mine clearly mess up and crumble every single time.
I want my heart to beat the same as Yours. Feel Your breaths and Yours beats and Your aches and Your love.
Daddy none of this is easy. You never said it was going to be. You never said it was going to be this hard either. And one day I'll realize how close You've been; how through every circumstance and situation You were there, looking at me, and loving me every second. For no matter what I did or who I hurt or the lies I told or the guilt I felt or the people I crushed or the mess I made or the disappointment I brought, You were there waiting for me to turn around and run to You.
Daddy I need you. I need you right now. I need some form of arms around me, hands holding me, and gentle words being spoken to me. I need someone to catch my tears (full of mascara) before they get all over my bed sheets again. I need a physical You.
God, if the only form of the physical You is the Bible, then believe when I say I'm going to be cuddling up to and crying to and talking to and yelling and screaming to and apologizing to that thing until my physical need for You is met. You gave me that, and it's You in one of the truest forms.
Father, I know this will all take awhile, and I'm still struggling day after day, but I'm ready to be completely and wholly Yours again. I'm ready to fall in love again. I'm ready to hear You whisper oh so softly into my ear. I'm ready to cry because I'm overwhelmed with happiness and joy with what You've blessed me with. I'm ready to have peace in You. I'm so ready to find rest in You. I'm so ready to lose this bitterness and anger and hurt with You and with others.
God, I'm sorry. About everything. Everybody messes up, yeah, but I hate hurting you. I hate knowing that You were rejected and ignored and were taking blows left and right from me. I hate knowing that You're vulnerable, just like me, and those hurt You, just like they do me.
I'm ready to feel like a little kid again, crawling up in Your lap simply to have big, strong arms around me and my back rubbed and hair petted. I'm ready to trust in You COMPLETELY. I'm ready to create one dependency and it be in You alone.
I'm ready to feel like a child at home.
I'm ready to come home.
Love,
Kendall
You know my heart, I've laid it down before You. God, you know my deep desires. But I know that You've got a plan and if you choose not to give me what I want, You'll give me something much much better.
Father, help me to let go. I want to hold on so tightly but it hurts so much. I love a lot of people and a lot of things, but God that's ME loving them... not You thru me. Let me love only what You love. Help my heart to just let go.
I want to follow in Your will and Your way because mine clearly mess up and crumble every single time.
I want my heart to beat the same as Yours. Feel Your breaths and Yours beats and Your aches and Your love.
Daddy none of this is easy. You never said it was going to be. You never said it was going to be this hard either. And one day I'll realize how close You've been; how through every circumstance and situation You were there, looking at me, and loving me every second. For no matter what I did or who I hurt or the lies I told or the guilt I felt or the people I crushed or the mess I made or the disappointment I brought, You were there waiting for me to turn around and run to You.
Daddy I need you. I need you right now. I need some form of arms around me, hands holding me, and gentle words being spoken to me. I need someone to catch my tears (full of mascara) before they get all over my bed sheets again. I need a physical You.
God, if the only form of the physical You is the Bible, then believe when I say I'm going to be cuddling up to and crying to and talking to and yelling and screaming to and apologizing to that thing until my physical need for You is met. You gave me that, and it's You in one of the truest forms.
Father, I know this will all take awhile, and I'm still struggling day after day, but I'm ready to be completely and wholly Yours again. I'm ready to fall in love again. I'm ready to hear You whisper oh so softly into my ear. I'm ready to cry because I'm overwhelmed with happiness and joy with what You've blessed me with. I'm ready to have peace in You. I'm so ready to find rest in You. I'm so ready to lose this bitterness and anger and hurt with You and with others.
God, I'm sorry. About everything. Everybody messes up, yeah, but I hate hurting you. I hate knowing that You were rejected and ignored and were taking blows left and right from me. I hate knowing that You're vulnerable, just like me, and those hurt You, just like they do me.
I'm ready to feel like a little kid again, crawling up in Your lap simply to have big, strong arms around me and my back rubbed and hair petted. I'm ready to trust in You COMPLETELY. I'm ready to create one dependency and it be in You alone.
I'm ready to feel like a child at home.
I'm ready to come home.
Love,
Kendall
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Whopper Coffee.... coffee with whoppers in it
Hi blog world,
I know I haven't written in awhile, and what I have written hasn't been in much depth. This week has been so long and all the days have run together and taken forever to get through. I didn't think working 8-5 would take this much out of me but it does! It times like this past week that I wish I had a job where I could have some alone time, or some Kendall time; at my daycare I have to have constant energy all the time and be 100% involved and interactive 100% of the time.
The "sleep" medicine my doctor gave me was mostly just to calm me down (keep me from being so tense and stressed out all of the time), has a pain reliever in it for my killer headaches, and has an antihistamine in it so it makes me sleepy. The only problem is it knocks me OUT and keeps me super groggy the next day!
Anyway
I went to House Church with my little brother on Friday night. I was wanting to stay numb and stoic all night because emotionally I was on the verge of breaking down and I didn't want to be. But a little after it started, one of the guys went to get his ipod and make us listen to a new band he had found. What music does with and for a music artist escapes words. I needed it. I had a couple of girls come and pray with me and as soon as the first one sat down next to me my walls were down. I cried and cried and cried and felt so broken. One of the things they kept saying was, "You're not guilty, you're not full of shame, you're forgiven. It's gone. It's done. You're free." and that made me cry even harder but for the first time since I've been home it started to ring true.
Now I'm not saying I've had an incredible breakthrough, yet, but I am saying I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not anywhere near it yet, but I can see it. It's hope. And it feels good.
I know I haven't written in awhile, and what I have written hasn't been in much depth. This week has been so long and all the days have run together and taken forever to get through. I didn't think working 8-5 would take this much out of me but it does! It times like this past week that I wish I had a job where I could have some alone time, or some Kendall time; at my daycare I have to have constant energy all the time and be 100% involved and interactive 100% of the time.
The "sleep" medicine my doctor gave me was mostly just to calm me down (keep me from being so tense and stressed out all of the time), has a pain reliever in it for my killer headaches, and has an antihistamine in it so it makes me sleepy. The only problem is it knocks me OUT and keeps me super groggy the next day!
Anyway
I went to House Church with my little brother on Friday night. I was wanting to stay numb and stoic all night because emotionally I was on the verge of breaking down and I didn't want to be. But a little after it started, one of the guys went to get his ipod and make us listen to a new band he had found. What music does with and for a music artist escapes words. I needed it. I had a couple of girls come and pray with me and as soon as the first one sat down next to me my walls were down. I cried and cried and cried and felt so broken. One of the things they kept saying was, "You're not guilty, you're not full of shame, you're forgiven. It's gone. It's done. You're free." and that made me cry even harder but for the first time since I've been home it started to ring true.
Now I'm not saying I've had an incredible breakthrough, yet, but I am saying I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not anywhere near it yet, but I can see it. It's hope. And it feels good.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
blessed are the ones who understand
I'm like a dam. A big water thing. One that holds back a whole whole lot, and then at the tiniest being or occurrence, can explode and come crashing down and bring much ruin and damage to people and situations.
BUT I got medicine to help me sleep. That helps the dam, a lot.
BUT I got medicine to help me sleep. That helps the dam, a lot.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sunday Morning by Maroon 5. Yummy.
I liked today, a lot.
I didn't go to church today, I woke up and my stomach still didn't feel like it's normal self (from that dumb stomach virus I got the other day) and I was flat out EXHAUSTED! From what, I'm not exactly sure, all I know is that I woke up with full intention of going to church, maybe a Starbucks run with the sister thrown in, and looking cute. As soon as I sat up though my stomach hit me saying, "Lay back down, I don't feel good," and my head saying, "Whyyyy did you sit up? Baaaad idea!" and so I turned over and went back to sleep.
This afternoon after lunch though I went and sat outside on our front porch swings. 2 things readers and people in general should know about me is that I love outdoors and I love swings. So I took my Bible and my book Jesus Calling and had a little date with my Savior. He showed me a lot today about letting go and being still and finding comfort and reassurance in Him and only Him. If there's anything I need to be hearing or reading about now it's about allllllll of that right there! One other thing I do to occupy my time (and what bit of artistic flare I have in me) is I write verses out on index cards, in colorful sharpie colors, and tape/hang/prop them in places I'll see them everyday. One of my favorite verses He showed me today was 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 which says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
When I read that it kinda hit me: I've been so caught up in my problems and my situation that I have the mindset that it should be all about me all of the time; regardless of who I'm talking to or what situation I'm put in, it's all about me. After reading that I thought, "Okay, I should be going out and seeing how I can comfort others.. Friends and family who have done that for me are hurting too... and God is comforting me in more ways than one.. Why am I not returning the favor to them and giving the glory to Him??" So to those who are reading this, who I have made myself the #1 priority to, I am so sorry. I'm not doing what's right by the Bible and I'm not doing what's right by anyone. With what God is giving me day by day, I shouldn't be keeping it all to myself. I should be giving it away and helping my brothers and sisters in Christ who need the comfort and compassion that God is giving to and through me!
That hit me big today.
I took the sister and we hit up Sonic and then went to Crossfire with my baby brother. I say baby, he's 18 years old. Gosh. But Crossfire is a place full of trampolines, a giant foam pit, and fun music. So what's a girl like me to do? Jump to her heart's content, perfect my front flip from trampoline to mat, and discover that a back walk-over is STILL possible! It made my night! And I was laughing a whole lot, which feels wonderful, (and trampolines always make me laugh) and I was dancing a little, (they were playing Backstreet Boys) and I had people who cared about me doing the exact same thing.
I even sang a little on the way home with Liv and Elle, now THAT was fun! Well, I say singing.... it's more like yelling, on pitch, staying somewhat in the same key.. Ha whatever. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my Jesus. I'm ready to get this ball rolling!
I didn't go to church today, I woke up and my stomach still didn't feel like it's normal self (from that dumb stomach virus I got the other day) and I was flat out EXHAUSTED! From what, I'm not exactly sure, all I know is that I woke up with full intention of going to church, maybe a Starbucks run with the sister thrown in, and looking cute. As soon as I sat up though my stomach hit me saying, "Lay back down, I don't feel good," and my head saying, "Whyyyy did you sit up? Baaaad idea!" and so I turned over and went back to sleep.
This afternoon after lunch though I went and sat outside on our front porch swings. 2 things readers and people in general should know about me is that I love outdoors and I love swings. So I took my Bible and my book Jesus Calling and had a little date with my Savior. He showed me a lot today about letting go and being still and finding comfort and reassurance in Him and only Him. If there's anything I need to be hearing or reading about now it's about allllllll of that right there! One other thing I do to occupy my time (and what bit of artistic flare I have in me) is I write verses out on index cards, in colorful sharpie colors, and tape/hang/prop them in places I'll see them everyday. One of my favorite verses He showed me today was 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 which says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
When I read that it kinda hit me: I've been so caught up in my problems and my situation that I have the mindset that it should be all about me all of the time; regardless of who I'm talking to or what situation I'm put in, it's all about me. After reading that I thought, "Okay, I should be going out and seeing how I can comfort others.. Friends and family who have done that for me are hurting too... and God is comforting me in more ways than one.. Why am I not returning the favor to them and giving the glory to Him??" So to those who are reading this, who I have made myself the #1 priority to, I am so sorry. I'm not doing what's right by the Bible and I'm not doing what's right by anyone. With what God is giving me day by day, I shouldn't be keeping it all to myself. I should be giving it away and helping my brothers and sisters in Christ who need the comfort and compassion that God is giving to and through me!
That hit me big today.
I took the sister and we hit up Sonic and then went to Crossfire with my baby brother. I say baby, he's 18 years old. Gosh. But Crossfire is a place full of trampolines, a giant foam pit, and fun music. So what's a girl like me to do? Jump to her heart's content, perfect my front flip from trampoline to mat, and discover that a back walk-over is STILL possible! It made my night! And I was laughing a whole lot, which feels wonderful, (and trampolines always make me laugh) and I was dancing a little, (they were playing Backstreet Boys) and I had people who cared about me doing the exact same thing.
I even sang a little on the way home with Liv and Elle, now THAT was fun! Well, I say singing.... it's more like yelling, on pitch, staying somewhat in the same key.. Ha whatever. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my Jesus. I'm ready to get this ball rolling!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
How He Loves
Today equaled a dressing up in a dress for a wedding. It was a blue dress, like a bluebird blue. The deep royal blue. I felt like a bluebird in it :)
I also went and hung out with Jake. That was fun. We talked about his trip to the Amazon, it was kind of an eye opener to the need that is out there, the need we don't always see.
We got sushi later.
Then I picked up Liv at a friend's house and came home.
I've been really weak lately. I've been letting Satan win, a lot. He didn't win today. God did.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IO-Cp2kcFjc&feature=player_embedded#!
I also went and hung out with Jake. That was fun. We talked about his trip to the Amazon, it was kind of an eye opener to the need that is out there, the need we don't always see.
We got sushi later.
Then I picked up Liv at a friend's house and came home.
I've been really weak lately. I've been letting Satan win, a lot. He didn't win today. God did.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IO-Cp2kcFjc&feature=player_embedded#!
Friday, October 14, 2011
MC Singers
Last night was spent listening to my downloaded MC Singers music; our spring concert from this past spring and then all the music I could find on iTunes that was what we had started working on this fall.
I'm not gonna lie, listening to all that music and knowing I was either in the choir that sang it or that I had a choir that was still working on all of this new music without me, was incredibly hard.
My numb cycle broke Wednesday night, so the tears were plentiful. They haven't ceased. And the littlest things will get me to tears, I almost prefer the numbness now.
It hit me tonight as I was driving home from dropping my sisters off somewhere: All of this music I've downloaded, from the music my choir is working on this year, I'll never be able to perform it. Not with them, on stage, under Dr. Meaders, feeling the emotion and singing it the way it's supposed to be sung.
Yeah, that straight up slapped me tonight. I hate that feeling.
And it times like these hard ones that I wish I had someone who could relate to me in this aspect! I mean yeah, both of my parents were in college choir and they had a hard/amazing director so they can understand and relate to all of that, but they haven't ever had it taken away. They had that choir for 4 years. Just like I was supposed to.
I personally hate just sitting around, taking one day at a time, and figuring out what the next step is. I know it's pretty vital, but I want to know now and I want it to be MC. That's all.
I'm not gonna lie, listening to all that music and knowing I was either in the choir that sang it or that I had a choir that was still working on all of this new music without me, was incredibly hard.
My numb cycle broke Wednesday night, so the tears were plentiful. They haven't ceased. And the littlest things will get me to tears, I almost prefer the numbness now.
It hit me tonight as I was driving home from dropping my sisters off somewhere: All of this music I've downloaded, from the music my choir is working on this year, I'll never be able to perform it. Not with them, on stage, under Dr. Meaders, feeling the emotion and singing it the way it's supposed to be sung.
Yeah, that straight up slapped me tonight. I hate that feeling.
And it times like these hard ones that I wish I had someone who could relate to me in this aspect! I mean yeah, both of my parents were in college choir and they had a hard/amazing director so they can understand and relate to all of that, but they haven't ever had it taken away. They had that choir for 4 years. Just like I was supposed to.
I personally hate just sitting around, taking one day at a time, and figuring out what the next step is. I know it's pretty vital, but I want to know now and I want it to be MC. That's all.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I'm burning on the inside!
Slept maybe about 30 minutes last night. Why? Because my mind didn't go to sleep.
Worked 7-4 today. Loved it but about died.
Went shopping with my little brother yesterday, got 2 new shirts and 2 new nose rings. Holla.
Ate a chili dog tonight.
Downloaded Mumford and Sons' album Sigh No More and am falling in love with it more and more.
Am upping my stalker time on facebook. I've got to stop.
Work 8-5 tomorrow. I'll probably die.
Then I'll go play cards.
How refreshing to know You don't need me. How amazing to find that You want me.
Worked 7-4 today. Loved it but about died.
Went shopping with my little brother yesterday, got 2 new shirts and 2 new nose rings. Holla.
Ate a chili dog tonight.
Downloaded Mumford and Sons' album Sigh No More and am falling in love with it more and more.
Am upping my stalker time on facebook. I've got to stop.
Work 8-5 tomorrow. I'll probably die.
Then I'll go play cards.
How refreshing to know You don't need me. How amazing to find that You want me.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
not 100% meat, but way past milk
Yesterday was a pretty really good day.
I took sisters to music lessons at Faith, and stopped by Sonic first (of course) where I landed a vanilla coke. Now, Dr. Pepper is my go-to drink, but every now and again I enjoy the mess out of a vanilla coke during happy hour.
While they were in their lessons, I went to Target strictly to go jean shopping because I'm in dire need of a good new pair of jeans. I finally found some that fit me the right way and looked good and according to Target I am now a size 4. Every size and shape is different but I could live with going by Target's branding for the rest of my life. I didn't think I had lost THAT much weight, I mean I know I have cause my eating is kinda sorta all outta whack, but this is kind of awesome. Kind of.
The rest of my time was spent writing letters to my dear friends at school, explaining what is going on in my life. Those were hard to write, not gonna lie, especially the one to my big, but I know God is going to use those and He's got their hearts and know the outcome of their reactions. I have to trust that or I'll go crazy.
Last night I met up with a friend from waaaaaay back in the band days (5th and 6th grade I think..?!) for dinner and ice cream. We got a lot of good talking done. I didn't expect myself to spill everything that was going on in my life, but I did, all through dinner. Which he made up for because he talked all during ice cream haha. We were at TCBY's for four hours. I've never been at an ice cream place that long, first of all, SECONDLY I've never seen TCBY close. It was an experience that's for sure :P
One thing about my friend, Jordan, he is incredibly animated and comical. If nothing else was accomplished last night, I laughed. And I laughed hard. The "dry-heave" laugh as Jordan would say. About the dumbest things too! It took a lot out of me, physically, mentally, and emotionally, but it felt so so good! I'm ready to laugh and keep laughing and to not just have a spurt of laughter only to have it go away shortly after. I got home around midnight and fell asleep pretty quick. Did I sleep 12 hours? Maybe.
Went and had lunch with mom today at Lenny's (phillycheesesteak sandwich, yes please) and we talked about a good bit. One of the things mom told me was that she had been praying about my situation a lot lately but had had God tell her, quite loudly and clearly, that He had something better for me. That was weird hearing from my mom because I wanted to hear that from God myself, but maybe that was His way of telling me that...?
It's freaking hard to imagine that from everything I've been through and from everything that I've had taken away and from everything that I've fallen in love with, that God has something BETTER. That blows my mind. But I DO know that if I let Him have everything and my whole entire heart, He'll lead me to a place that has the environment and people and education that I need and He'll make me fall in love with everything so much more than I ever did at MC. While I can't fathom that, I can picture it. If that makes any sense.
Mom and I picked up my sister, the 16 year old one, all decked out in my clothes and she drove us home cause she's getting her permit on Halloween. Now, I love her to pieces, don't get me wrong at all. BUT I do not like it when she's borrowing my clothes! Of course all sets of sisters have this problem but I've been really good about staying out of her stuff and her clothes and her EVERYTHING since I've been back because I've operated only in my clothes and my things. She's abided by the same rule but her argument today was that all her clothes were dirty and she couldn't ask me to borrow my clothes because I was asleep. I have no nice words.
Yes, I would love my own room with a door and four walls and a bed and a closet in my room and a place for all my shoes and privacy and a bookshelf or desk to put all my things in and on and a place I can call my own and a place people don't need to come in and practice piano in. I would love all of that. But right now that's not a possibility. Sucks.
I've thought about my summer, and I think I'm going to apply to Crossings Camps. The camp I went to last summer that I wrote about on my old blog (www.idratherbegodsgirl.blogspot.com). I think God is telling me to work there this summer. I can picture it, strictly because I worked there a bit last year, but God has control over all of this. Bring it on.
I'm going to bed now. I'm so tired.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Atmosphere
I don't even know how to put a word or a group of words to my feelings. There are too many.
What helps?
I sit on a couch. Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's. Watching Psych. Watching anything that can take my mind off of everything. I eat but I'm not hungry. I laugh but it takes everything in me to. I listen to music but I can't sing. That's the scariest thing. I feel like my singing thing, whatever it may be, has died a little bit. I can mouth the words real good and sing under my breath, but can't sing like it comes from my soul. Singing would mean things are okay and I'm okay and I'm happy somewhere on the inside.
What helps?
I sit on a couch. Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's. Watching Psych. Watching anything that can take my mind off of everything. I eat but I'm not hungry. I laugh but it takes everything in me to. I listen to music but I can't sing. That's the scariest thing. I feel like my singing thing, whatever it may be, has died a little bit. I can mouth the words real good and sing under my breath, but can't sing like it comes from my soul. Singing would mean things are okay and I'm okay and I'm happy somewhere on the inside.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Jesus Calling
I just thought I would share what I read in Jesus Calling today cause it was really good and extremely relevant:
"In order to hear My voice, you must release all your worries into My care. Entrust to Me everything that concerns you. This clears the way for you to see My Face unhindered. Let Me free you from fear that is hiding deep inside you. Sit quietly in My Presence, allowing My Light to soak into you and drive out any darkness lodged within you.
Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty."
1 Peter 5:6-7
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
Psalm 118:24
"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
Talk about a Holy 2x4 smacking you across the face! I'm ready to get back to Him. And today's devotion. Whoa.
"In order to hear My voice, you must release all your worries into My care. Entrust to Me everything that concerns you. This clears the way for you to see My Face unhindered. Let Me free you from fear that is hiding deep inside you. Sit quietly in My Presence, allowing My Light to soak into you and drive out any darkness lodged within you.
Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty."
1 Peter 5:6-7
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
Psalm 118:24
"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
Talk about a Holy 2x4 smacking you across the face! I'm ready to get back to Him. And today's devotion. Whoa.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Beautiful Beautiful
Hi.
I'm going to talk about my yesterday and my today.
Yesterday, Wednesday, I went up to Union University with my dad and my brother. I went strictly because I wanted a practice room; not necessarily to practice music in but just to be in a soundproof familiar sort of room. I did end up taking every single one of my music books (piano, voice, Singers, Mixed Company, high school piano music, EVERYTHING) just in case the urge to get into my music hit me. I let an old friend, Helen, know I was coming up there because she goes there and has my same major (Music Ed) so if I ran into her it wouldn't be awkward or anything. We ended up having lunch together, spending about 30 bucks on rooster t-shirts in Lifeway, grabbing Starbucks, and sitting and talking about everything. I unloaded everything on her and she just sat and listened. One thing I guess I had forgotten was that Helen and I kinda grew up together, and when I say grew up I mean all through middle school and high school, but we were the best of best friends ever, so after spilling my guts and crying a little she knew exactly what I needed as far as physical and spiritual comfort goes and she knows me well enough to know what I was thinking and feeling without having to ask and I didn't realize how much I craved that. Yes, I love the friends and relationships I formed while I was at MC but those people will never know me as well as Helen does simply because they weren't there to see the things I went through that made me, me; they only saw the finished product and that's who they became friends with. I can't describe it much better than that but it was so very good.
One thing I felt as I was walking that campus and eating lunch in their cafeteria and meeting people there, was I felt a sense of peace. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart," it says somewhere in Psalms and not that I'm "delight-ing" right now but I can feel a lot of my desire lessening from MC. Which right now is good because all my desire for MC is making my heart hurt that much more and I'm ready to stop hurting. I don't know if that means Union is where I'm supposed to be, but it did mean that things weren't as bad as they felt anymore. And if Union IS where I'm supposed to be and God wants me there, then He can make me fall in love with the people and the place so much more than I ever did at MC. I hate saying that but it's true.
That's all I'm going to say about Union because if I say more then I'll have to talk about their Singers and we're just NOT gonna go there.
Today started off not so great, was the mediocre, got better, and stayed that way.
Here it is: woke up around 1130 (which was AWESOME considering I fell asleep around 830 last night from spending all my energy at Union!), talked to mom and told her I did not want to go to counseling. I wasn't ready to let another person in and I wasn't ready to talk or anything yet. That upset her so she went outside and cried, again, she's been doing that a lot lately. Sorry, Mom. We decided to take all the kids and go to Shelby Farms instead. Weather was Nike shorts and t-shirt appropriate so that's what we all sported. It was good to get out of the house and outside, even if all I did was find a shady spot and just sit/lay down the few hours we were there. Spend some quality time with Liv and Elle, but mostly Liv which was very needed. I finally broke and told her everything that was going on but she already knew everything. Oh.
Mom suggested hitting up Sonic for Happy Hour so sped there and had 3 minutes to spare when we pulled in. Try to picture a mother and 8 kids parking and straight up hauling to the order-machines to get their orders in before 4pm, ahaha. Came home around 5 and chilled for awhile, started to get hungry so very sloth-like (because I am a lazy creature) started getting things ready for dinner. We had Mexican, they like that a lot around here, a lot.
After dinner my old friend Lauren came over just to hang out and catch up. We made small talk and drank coffee for the first hour and a half and then I asked how her life was. Whew. That opened her right up and I found out she was going through very very similar things I was going through and her parents were handling things similar to the way my parents were handling things (probably because our parents are super close friends)! The only difference between Lauren and I right now is this: she has had things taken from her and she's hit the bottom. She knows what she has to do as far as getting things right with God, her parents, and her life and she's doing it. Me? I've had things taken from me and I've the hit the bottom. I know what I have to do (for the most part) as far as getting things right with God, my parents, and my life and I haven't started doing it yet.
I'm still bitter and am not ready to forgive anyone yet. A lot of me has to be fixed before anything else also. One things Helen told me yesterday was that God knew all of this form the beginning. He knew that MC was going to be my first school but not my last. He knew I would be home this semester. He knew I would be completely broken with everything and that was His plan. So He could take every single piece I've been broken in to and put it back together how HE wants and not I. One thing Lauren said was the point I'm at in my life right now is the point where I decide: do I keep trying to fix this or do I (finally) let God? She said God was going to get me to a point where it was just Him and I and nothing else if I wasn't where He wanted me. I knew I was very much not where I needed to be with my lifestyle and my walk, and I guess He knew that this, and only this, would get my attention and say, "Okay, My child, NOW you're listening!" Which it shouldn't have to come to that, to taking away everything and breaking us completely to get our attention directed towards Him but if He sees necessary, there's really nothing stopping Him is there?
I've got a lot to chew on and a lot of progress to make, I'm kind of ready to get there.
One more thing. I mentioned getting a new job because my job at the preschool was just not gonna happen, BUT, my boss called today and offered full time, 40+ hours a week, up-ing my pay and putting me with my favorite most compatible co-worker. What did I say? Heck yes. I don't start for another 2 weeks, which is fine with me, I'll still have time to recuperate and rest and such, and then I can hit it full swing. Yay. Getting a car this semester will be a ton easier with all that dough coming in too. I don't know about school in the spring yet; wherever I go will be semi-awkward because coming in halfway through the year being a Music Major just complicates things but I don't have to figure any of that out tonight.
Talked to the best friend, Erin, tonight. She's also considering/praying/most probably attending Union next fall. Who knows? We might end up there together!
God, You got this. Not me. Let's keep it that way.
:)
ONE MORE THING
(Francesca Battistelli's song, Beautiful Beautiful lyrics)
I'm going to talk about my yesterday and my today.
Yesterday, Wednesday, I went up to Union University with my dad and my brother. I went strictly because I wanted a practice room; not necessarily to practice music in but just to be in a soundproof familiar sort of room. I did end up taking every single one of my music books (piano, voice, Singers, Mixed Company, high school piano music, EVERYTHING) just in case the urge to get into my music hit me. I let an old friend, Helen, know I was coming up there because she goes there and has my same major (Music Ed) so if I ran into her it wouldn't be awkward or anything. We ended up having lunch together, spending about 30 bucks on rooster t-shirts in Lifeway, grabbing Starbucks, and sitting and talking about everything. I unloaded everything on her and she just sat and listened. One thing I guess I had forgotten was that Helen and I kinda grew up together, and when I say grew up I mean all through middle school and high school, but we were the best of best friends ever, so after spilling my guts and crying a little she knew exactly what I needed as far as physical and spiritual comfort goes and she knows me well enough to know what I was thinking and feeling without having to ask and I didn't realize how much I craved that. Yes, I love the friends and relationships I formed while I was at MC but those people will never know me as well as Helen does simply because they weren't there to see the things I went through that made me, me; they only saw the finished product and that's who they became friends with. I can't describe it much better than that but it was so very good.
One thing I felt as I was walking that campus and eating lunch in their cafeteria and meeting people there, was I felt a sense of peace. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart," it says somewhere in Psalms and not that I'm "delight-ing" right now but I can feel a lot of my desire lessening from MC. Which right now is good because all my desire for MC is making my heart hurt that much more and I'm ready to stop hurting. I don't know if that means Union is where I'm supposed to be, but it did mean that things weren't as bad as they felt anymore. And if Union IS where I'm supposed to be and God wants me there, then He can make me fall in love with the people and the place so much more than I ever did at MC. I hate saying that but it's true.
That's all I'm going to say about Union because if I say more then I'll have to talk about their Singers and we're just NOT gonna go there.
Today started off not so great, was the mediocre, got better, and stayed that way.
Here it is: woke up around 1130 (which was AWESOME considering I fell asleep around 830 last night from spending all my energy at Union!), talked to mom and told her I did not want to go to counseling. I wasn't ready to let another person in and I wasn't ready to talk or anything yet. That upset her so she went outside and cried, again, she's been doing that a lot lately. Sorry, Mom. We decided to take all the kids and go to Shelby Farms instead. Weather was Nike shorts and t-shirt appropriate so that's what we all sported. It was good to get out of the house and outside, even if all I did was find a shady spot and just sit/lay down the few hours we were there. Spend some quality time with Liv and Elle, but mostly Liv which was very needed. I finally broke and told her everything that was going on but she already knew everything. Oh.
Mom suggested hitting up Sonic for Happy Hour so sped there and had 3 minutes to spare when we pulled in. Try to picture a mother and 8 kids parking and straight up hauling to the order-machines to get their orders in before 4pm, ahaha. Came home around 5 and chilled for awhile, started to get hungry so very sloth-like (because I am a lazy creature) started getting things ready for dinner. We had Mexican, they like that a lot around here, a lot.
After dinner my old friend Lauren came over just to hang out and catch up. We made small talk and drank coffee for the first hour and a half and then I asked how her life was. Whew. That opened her right up and I found out she was going through very very similar things I was going through and her parents were handling things similar to the way my parents were handling things (probably because our parents are super close friends)! The only difference between Lauren and I right now is this: she has had things taken from her and she's hit the bottom. She knows what she has to do as far as getting things right with God, her parents, and her life and she's doing it. Me? I've had things taken from me and I've the hit the bottom. I know what I have to do (for the most part) as far as getting things right with God, my parents, and my life and I haven't started doing it yet.
I'm still bitter and am not ready to forgive anyone yet. A lot of me has to be fixed before anything else also. One things Helen told me yesterday was that God knew all of this form the beginning. He knew that MC was going to be my first school but not my last. He knew I would be home this semester. He knew I would be completely broken with everything and that was His plan. So He could take every single piece I've been broken in to and put it back together how HE wants and not I. One thing Lauren said was the point I'm at in my life right now is the point where I decide: do I keep trying to fix this or do I (finally) let God? She said God was going to get me to a point where it was just Him and I and nothing else if I wasn't where He wanted me. I knew I was very much not where I needed to be with my lifestyle and my walk, and I guess He knew that this, and only this, would get my attention and say, "Okay, My child, NOW you're listening!" Which it shouldn't have to come to that, to taking away everything and breaking us completely to get our attention directed towards Him but if He sees necessary, there's really nothing stopping Him is there?
I've got a lot to chew on and a lot of progress to make, I'm kind of ready to get there.
One more thing. I mentioned getting a new job because my job at the preschool was just not gonna happen, BUT, my boss called today and offered full time, 40+ hours a week, up-ing my pay and putting me with my favorite most compatible co-worker. What did I say? Heck yes. I don't start for another 2 weeks, which is fine with me, I'll still have time to recuperate and rest and such, and then I can hit it full swing. Yay. Getting a car this semester will be a ton easier with all that dough coming in too. I don't know about school in the spring yet; wherever I go will be semi-awkward because coming in halfway through the year being a Music Major just complicates things but I don't have to figure any of that out tonight.
Talked to the best friend, Erin, tonight. She's also considering/praying/most probably attending Union next fall. Who knows? We might end up there together!
God, You got this. Not me. Let's keep it that way.
:)
ONE MORE THING
(Francesca Battistelli's song, Beautiful Beautiful lyrics)
Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Laughing Hurts
Today is (was) Tuesday. Tomorrow will be exactly a week since everything has happened. I think it's fair to say that this has been the longest week of my natural life. Now my excuse of being on fall break is used up, this is where more and more questions will come. Awesome.
Shane and Sarah Kate came in town this weekend and I got to hang out with them Sunday afternoon and Monday afternoon and night. That was so refreshing and much needed. To get hugs from people who do and don't know the situation and am poured into with love and Scripture always leaves me dumbstruck.
God, you amaze me.
Another thing. My heart is hardened. That's hard to write about. Especially when people read this and want to know I'm okay and all is well and God is taking care of everything. Well, I mean, He is, but right now my heart is so hard that I'm not letting Him. I'm reading Scripture and I'm reading great stuff, stuff I need to get me through all of this, and it's just not hitting home like it did this summer.
My parents are also being difficult in this situation. They don't know what they're doing or how to handle this, I don't know what to tell them to do or how to handle this because I don't know, so it's getting messy. They want more than anything for me to be okay already, and that's the one thing I'm not. So they cry, they make plans, they monitor things, they try and make me laugh, they give me what I want, they take it away, and they don't understand when I don't want to talk to them. Partially because I hardly know what to say -- my mind is racing constantly and it's close to impossible to formulate one thing into words -- and partially because I don't want them in my head. I feel like I have too many people in there already and I'm not even sure what all is going on in there.
I do know that I'm numb. Incredibly numb. Silence is doing more for me than music is, and when you're a music artist it scares the crap out of you.
I did spend time with a dear friend who graduated from MC and now lives in Memphis, Sarah Benke, and she sat and just listened today as I explained frustrations and complications and things like that. She went through a not-so-similar situation with her parents this past spring (and when I say not-so I mean not with my same circumstances but the way the parents acted were close to the same) and so she was saying that everything was going to be okay and that I was God's and not my parent's. I mean, I am my parents but doing God's will and doing what He wants is far far more important than anything my parents want. That was strange to think about, but I think it's true.
Talked to my Big today, she is wonderful that Bailey, talked to Graysen, talked to Ellie, talked to Helen, talked to Sarah Kate, talked to Dex, talked to Shane, and talked to Tiffany. People who know and people who don't know, and both won't quit loving on me and pouring into me and giving me Scripture and saying God has me here for a reason.
God, I don't deserve them, but thank you for giving them anyway.
I'm headed to Union tomorrow. No, not to look around and check out the school, to practice. To get by myself in a sound-proof room and either scream, cry, talk out loud, sing, play, dance, just sit, or all of the above. I kind of can't wait. Only downside? Leaving at 645 in the morning. Yeah. So on that note (which, we'll make that note a D flat), I'm going to head to bed. Couch. Whatever. Thanks for, well, I don't know.
Thanks :)
Shane and Sarah Kate came in town this weekend and I got to hang out with them Sunday afternoon and Monday afternoon and night. That was so refreshing and much needed. To get hugs from people who do and don't know the situation and am poured into with love and Scripture always leaves me dumbstruck.
God, you amaze me.
Another thing. My heart is hardened. That's hard to write about. Especially when people read this and want to know I'm okay and all is well and God is taking care of everything. Well, I mean, He is, but right now my heart is so hard that I'm not letting Him. I'm reading Scripture and I'm reading great stuff, stuff I need to get me through all of this, and it's just not hitting home like it did this summer.
My parents are also being difficult in this situation. They don't know what they're doing or how to handle this, I don't know what to tell them to do or how to handle this because I don't know, so it's getting messy. They want more than anything for me to be okay already, and that's the one thing I'm not. So they cry, they make plans, they monitor things, they try and make me laugh, they give me what I want, they take it away, and they don't understand when I don't want to talk to them. Partially because I hardly know what to say -- my mind is racing constantly and it's close to impossible to formulate one thing into words -- and partially because I don't want them in my head. I feel like I have too many people in there already and I'm not even sure what all is going on in there.
I do know that I'm numb. Incredibly numb. Silence is doing more for me than music is, and when you're a music artist it scares the crap out of you.
I did spend time with a dear friend who graduated from MC and now lives in Memphis, Sarah Benke, and she sat and just listened today as I explained frustrations and complications and things like that. She went through a not-so-similar situation with her parents this past spring (and when I say not-so I mean not with my same circumstances but the way the parents acted were close to the same) and so she was saying that everything was going to be okay and that I was God's and not my parent's. I mean, I am my parents but doing God's will and doing what He wants is far far more important than anything my parents want. That was strange to think about, but I think it's true.
Talked to my Big today, she is wonderful that Bailey, talked to Graysen, talked to Ellie, talked to Helen, talked to Sarah Kate, talked to Dex, talked to Shane, and talked to Tiffany. People who know and people who don't know, and both won't quit loving on me and pouring into me and giving me Scripture and saying God has me here for a reason.
God, I don't deserve them, but thank you for giving them anyway.
I'm headed to Union tomorrow. No, not to look around and check out the school, to practice. To get by myself in a sound-proof room and either scream, cry, talk out loud, sing, play, dance, just sit, or all of the above. I kind of can't wait. Only downside? Leaving at 645 in the morning. Yeah. So on that note (which, we'll make that note a D flat), I'm going to head to bed. Couch. Whatever. Thanks for, well, I don't know.
Thanks :)
Monday, October 3, 2011
my life in a song... or two
If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to
*~* different song *~*
My Beloved - Kari Jobe
You're My Beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me, My love
You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me
Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to faceI see no stain on you, My child
You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me
I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me
I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole
You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to
*~* different song *~*
My Beloved - Kari Jobe
You're My Beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me, My love
You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me
Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to faceI see no stain on you, My child
You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me
I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me
I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole
You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Here Comes the Sun
Yes, the sun was out today but it was chilly! Finally got out of the house since Wednesday, only to go to my little sister's last couple of soccer games. I rocked my black and yellow glasses with sweatpants, felt like a pretty legit college kid. Came home and passed out on the couch.. I didn't think walking around soccer fields could wear me out but it did.
Let me explain my room setup here: Last summer when I moved out, the rents decided that since the 2 oldest were up and out of the house that they should rearrange all the rooms entirely to best accommodate the other 8. Which was and still is fine, I'm not saying I have a problem with that, but it did make Christmas and summer break feel more like breaks because we didn't have our rooms and beds to come back to; we had bunks that were shared with us and pillows and storage space that no one was using at the time. All of that to say, with me coming home so abruptly on Wednesday, they didn't have time to shake up and rearrange the other 8's rooming situations so I'm downstairs in the music room. My bed is a couch, a freaking wonderful couch at that, all goose feather and such, but it's still a couch. My dresser is one that my little brother isn't using (so the drawers are pretty small), my bookshelf is one that's used for school so there are a lot of books on shelves that I would like space for, my closet is upstairs wherever my younger sisters could make room, and the piano is sitting smack in the middle of my "room".
Now. The piano, at MC, in my lock-able sound proof practice room is probably one of my best friends, simply because of the hours I spent with it, the emotions I played on it, the words it heard when I was on the phone, and the tears it caught when I didn't know what else to do. This piano here is foreign to me... I don't know it and it doesn't know me. I don't want to expose my heart to it, not yet anyway. And if and when I do I don't want anyone else around to hear or see it. This might just be a musician thing, or just a Kendall thing. I don't know.
Moving on: I'm still having trouble deciding what emotion I should place over this whole situation. It's getting closer and closer to a toss-up between sad and bitter now. At the same time the sense of loss is so great I just want to wear black and not eat and cry all the time. That creates problem because I like color way too much, I get hungry, and crying is too exhausting and is a bit awkward when you're around other people, you know?
I talked to one of my absolute favorite people in Singers today, Sarah Beth, she was and still is a person I consider a "Big" in my life. She sat beside me last year in Singers, and let me tell you, the people you sit beside in that choir you get to know them preeeeetty well. She's one of the first people I've talked to aside from the people who know the situation. She made me cry by telling me that she cried when she found out. When she asked the question, "Is there anything I can do?" I blanked. What on earth do I tell people they can do? Can they do anything in this setting for me? Can they help without having to know all the details? My mind kind of exploded but I got it together and just answered, "You can pray.." and I decided that's about all I can say right now.
I went to go see my soul, Erin, she's been a trooper through this whole thing from the summer up until Wednesday, and I don't know what I wanted to get accomplished by seeing her but I just wanted the comfort of being around someone who knew and just wanted to make things as normal and as better as possible (I don't think the grammar right there is correct, at all). She was hanging with her big sister and watching football (one thing I lack and one thing I really could care less for) and they were talking just in a sister sort of way so I left after awhile, came home, and watched 2003 Bellevue's Singing Christmas Tree. An impeccable way to take me down memory lane (6th grade?) and remind me that I still have something to look forward to this Christmas season.
Dad and I are (finally) talking about getting me a car! All I need is a job, specifically not where I have to smile at people all day every day, I'm just not ready for that, and specifically something where I can use my gifts and my talents and be good at it! Is this too picky and unrealistic? Probably so. Until reality hits though, something along those lines would be my ideal job.
I've been in the Word and trying to get things to stick and it's just hard right now. I'm reading through Isaiah, and when I say reading through I mean like chapters 40-60. Isaiah is pretty hardcore. Writing out verses on index cards has always been my system of memorizing and reminding, and right now it's the process of reading and then applying is where I'm struggling right now. I don't know if that's me or my current situation is just making it hard... I think it's a lot of both.
Tomorrow will be a day needed. The family is trying out a new church, High Point, and then Sarah Kate and Shane are coming over. Two people from school who have made and make my life wonderful. I'll let you know how all that goes and figure out how to post pictures so ya'll can see. Goodnight :)
Let me explain my room setup here: Last summer when I moved out, the rents decided that since the 2 oldest were up and out of the house that they should rearrange all the rooms entirely to best accommodate the other 8. Which was and still is fine, I'm not saying I have a problem with that, but it did make Christmas and summer break feel more like breaks because we didn't have our rooms and beds to come back to; we had bunks that were shared with us and pillows and storage space that no one was using at the time. All of that to say, with me coming home so abruptly on Wednesday, they didn't have time to shake up and rearrange the other 8's rooming situations so I'm downstairs in the music room. My bed is a couch, a freaking wonderful couch at that, all goose feather and such, but it's still a couch. My dresser is one that my little brother isn't using (so the drawers are pretty small), my bookshelf is one that's used for school so there are a lot of books on shelves that I would like space for, my closet is upstairs wherever my younger sisters could make room, and the piano is sitting smack in the middle of my "room".
Now. The piano, at MC, in my lock-able sound proof practice room is probably one of my best friends, simply because of the hours I spent with it, the emotions I played on it, the words it heard when I was on the phone, and the tears it caught when I didn't know what else to do. This piano here is foreign to me... I don't know it and it doesn't know me. I don't want to expose my heart to it, not yet anyway. And if and when I do I don't want anyone else around to hear or see it. This might just be a musician thing, or just a Kendall thing. I don't know.
Moving on: I'm still having trouble deciding what emotion I should place over this whole situation. It's getting closer and closer to a toss-up between sad and bitter now. At the same time the sense of loss is so great I just want to wear black and not eat and cry all the time. That creates problem because I like color way too much, I get hungry, and crying is too exhausting and is a bit awkward when you're around other people, you know?
I talked to one of my absolute favorite people in Singers today, Sarah Beth, she was and still is a person I consider a "Big" in my life. She sat beside me last year in Singers, and let me tell you, the people you sit beside in that choir you get to know them preeeeetty well. She's one of the first people I've talked to aside from the people who know the situation. She made me cry by telling me that she cried when she found out. When she asked the question, "Is there anything I can do?" I blanked. What on earth do I tell people they can do? Can they do anything in this setting for me? Can they help without having to know all the details? My mind kind of exploded but I got it together and just answered, "You can pray.." and I decided that's about all I can say right now.
I went to go see my soul, Erin, she's been a trooper through this whole thing from the summer up until Wednesday, and I don't know what I wanted to get accomplished by seeing her but I just wanted the comfort of being around someone who knew and just wanted to make things as normal and as better as possible (I don't think the grammar right there is correct, at all). She was hanging with her big sister and watching football (one thing I lack and one thing I really could care less for) and they were talking just in a sister sort of way so I left after awhile, came home, and watched 2003 Bellevue's Singing Christmas Tree. An impeccable way to take me down memory lane (6th grade?) and remind me that I still have something to look forward to this Christmas season.
Dad and I are (finally) talking about getting me a car! All I need is a job, specifically not where I have to smile at people all day every day, I'm just not ready for that, and specifically something where I can use my gifts and my talents and be good at it! Is this too picky and unrealistic? Probably so. Until reality hits though, something along those lines would be my ideal job.
I've been in the Word and trying to get things to stick and it's just hard right now. I'm reading through Isaiah, and when I say reading through I mean like chapters 40-60. Isaiah is pretty hardcore. Writing out verses on index cards has always been my system of memorizing and reminding, and right now it's the process of reading and then applying is where I'm struggling right now. I don't know if that's me or my current situation is just making it hard... I think it's a lot of both.
Tomorrow will be a day needed. The family is trying out a new church, High Point, and then Sarah Kate and Shane are coming over. Two people from school who have made and make my life wonderful. I'll let you know how all that goes and figure out how to post pictures so ya'll can see. Goodnight :)
Friday, September 30, 2011
September 30th, 2011
The last couple of days of September have been challenging. Specifically from the 28th up until now.
A lot of changes, permanent changes, have been made. I'm not 100% thrilled nor do I feel like all of these changes that were made were the right ones, but I DO know that all of these changes and future plans are in God's hands and not my own; because the way I make my plans and my decisions right now is not up to par.
So until they are, I have been trudging through the book of Isaiah, sleeping a lot, and working on my lack of my spiritual gift of patience. Prayers are needed, and love is too but I'm already getting that out the frame, thank you all for that :)
Text is down, so only calls are accepted.. but greatly appreciated.
I'm ready to get a move on in the right direction, so ready. And with this blog thingy, anybody who wants to keep themselves updated on my life and how I'm doing, well, this is the perfect opportunity for you :)
So long, until I need to talk through my fingers some more
A lot of changes, permanent changes, have been made. I'm not 100% thrilled nor do I feel like all of these changes that were made were the right ones, but I DO know that all of these changes and future plans are in God's hands and not my own; because the way I make my plans and my decisions right now is not up to par.
So until they are, I have been trudging through the book of Isaiah, sleeping a lot, and working on my lack of my spiritual gift of patience. Prayers are needed, and love is too but I'm already getting that out the frame, thank you all for that :)
Text is down, so only calls are accepted.. but greatly appreciated.
I'm ready to get a move on in the right direction, so ready. And with this blog thingy, anybody who wants to keep themselves updated on my life and how I'm doing, well, this is the perfect opportunity for you :)
So long, until I need to talk through my fingers some more
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