NEW YEARS!

Apologies for the prolonging of a few entries.
And today is New Years! I can't believe 2012 is over with TONIGHT. Looking back on this whole past year, and thinking where I was a year ago (babysitting), blows me away. It just does.
Life has been crazy and crazy wonderful since I've been home on break, especially staying at the house for a month. I don't really miss it at all, but parts of me does. I think the best part about break is knowing that in less than 2 weeks I get to go back to school; for the school part and for the living somewhere else part.
Speaking of school, the whole semester has flown and I was trying to think of how to sum it up and I can't! One thing I know for a fact though: God has rocked my socks off just about everyday in Mississippi through people, through situations, through the Word, and has given me such a peace about being back that I can't imagine what it would have been like had I tried to go somewhere else. Granted, school this time around was extremely different (in regards to classes AND people), but it was definitely better in all aspects. God also let me see a lot of the work He was doing that I couldn't see last year; He showed me reasons why I went through everything I did, almost every week, and is still showing me stuff! I didn't know so many things could be worked through and worked out so beautifully when they were given up to God!
Want to hear something strange? I'll tell you. I was doing some cleaning and lounging earlier (because what else does one do on Christmas break?) and my dad told me that he had a tub of some of my old stuff that he wanted me to look through before he put it up in the attic, just to see if there was anything I wanted to keep or throw away. So I brushed it off until about an hour ago. It was in my parents room, this huge lime green tub, of stuff I had no idea was. Ha. I opened it and almost started crying. In that stupid looking tub was almost everything I had ever had in my room all throughout high school (books, pictures, cds, cow decorations, jewelry, scarves, things that adorned my dresser and bookshelves, EVERYTHING!). I had put everything into this tub when I was packing up and leaving for school freshman year, August 2010. It was sooo weird to see all of that stuff again, and to think that this stuff was what my whole life was about from 2007-2010. Going through it now, it just seemed like a lot of dumb trinkets and notes and things... I think the weirdest part of the whole thing was the fact that I didn't remember a lot of it. The notes I wrote, the pictures I took, the things I collected.. they felt like some one else's life that seemed extremely familiar. It didn't seem like this was my stuff or my life that I was looking through. I don't think of myself as too different from my high school self, but looking at everything tonight I realize that we are not the same person in the least bit. That girl doesn't really exist anymore. I mean KINDA, but not, ya know? A little sad, but more so pretty cool if you ask me :)
Speaking of high school, the people I'm hanging out with tonight to bring in the New Year are allll of my friends from middle school and high school. So like, seven of us? Haha I'm kind of super stoked to catch up on life and play Just Dance 4 and sing karaoke with the dweebs I grew up with who are now adults living their own lives. LIFE IS SO WEIRD WHEN YOU GROW UP. Okay, enough of that.
On a closing topic: there's mucho more I want to write about; so much I want to type out and think through and be transparent about. But, alas, my ways are not His, and He's telling me, "Not right now." It'll come one day, and I can't wait for that day -to tell all- but that day and that post are not today. Sorry! ;D

finals and juries and coffee, oh my!

Yes, finals and juries and coffee have been my life for the past week. Vom. But I only have tomorrow and then I'm DONE!
Haha and don't even get me started on this semester as a whole: so crazily wonderful. To think about everything God has done and rocked my world with since walking back onto MC's campus on August 21st, well, I could write a book. One thing that's blown me away has been the friendships made and the friendships rekindled. God has gotten my attention and made my mindset very intentional about who to draw close to and who to share life with. And lemme tell ya, some of these people are NOT people I would have picked out for myself, not even to be funny, but the impact they've had and the way God is using them continues to leave me speechless. Errytime.

The 27th Annual Festival of Lights happened a week and half ago and oh my word.. I don't know if I have the proper words to describe this but I'm sure as heck gonna try. First of all, it was the 27th. Favorite number. Second of all, it was surreal knowing that I was back and singing music and belonging in a tradition I never thought I'd be in again! The pieces, the procession, the readings, those stupid candles, trying not to fall, never tearing your gaze away from Dr. Meaders, doing your best to sing all the words to that hymn you never memorized, it was everything! It was overwhelming and at the same time felt completely natural, as if I was made to be a part of it. I got chill bumps every night. Friday night kicked rear though. We were all in our zone, and we locked our harmonies and sang into those notes like we never have before. Whew. Crazy good.

Finals have approached.. and they're the devil. Well, they're not absolutely terrible but they're not just breezy either. My voice jury rocked this semester. Not trying to brag on myself either! Mary Catherine (my accompanist for the semester) tore it up and I picked one of my easy songs and they picked the other easy song I had! And being in that recital where your voice carries just makes you want to sing into it even more! No words forgotten, no breath lost, and no rushing or lagging. Praise, praise Him.

As a closing subject for this post (which I plan on posting more over Christmas break than I did this past month..!), God has done a tremendous amount of work this past year. And it's all coming full circle, in good ways and bad. My life, as I'm living it now, has seen more blessings and overflow than it ever has. I don't know if it's because I feel more tuned into God or the relationship between Him and I has continued to grow and deepen. Everything being "fixed" when I came back didn't exactly happen, and that's okay. Mainly because they were fixed in His way and not the way I wanted them to be fixed, and He's slowly revealing them to me =)

Christmas break will be wonderfulllllllllllllllllllll, I hope! Being home after being gone for three and half months after living at home for a year makes everything weird haha but I'm bringing one of my closest friends, Robby, home with me for the weekend and I plan on visiting a few of my friends over break. Then spring semester starts with observing at schools in Jackson. Ah! Life is moving so fast!

novemmmmmmmm..ber

Y'all, school is making it difficult for me to maintain a social life and keep my head above water.
Merh.

Fall Tour + Homecoming

This past week was a rush! Because all of Singers got to skip their Wednesday and Thursday classes to go on their fall tour, and because the class that I skipped on Thursday I would have had to take my second exam in. WHOO! Make-up exam, how you doin?
Anywho, this fall tour of ours, that Singers does every year, has been something extraordinary this year. I don't know if it's something in the water they handed out on the bus or if we're just that good, but we've never been so consistent as a choir during our first 5 performances. Especially not with hours of cramping on the bus rides and crappy acoustics in auditoriums. BUT WE WERE SO GOOD. I understand that I am biased, but still. To have have Dr. Meaders say something about it more than once, it means something.
Our homecoming concert is today at 130 -come- and I'm legitimately excited for really only 2 things (and it's about to get music-major nerdy up in here): one, for all of the MC music faculty to hear us for the first time! And for us to sing with intensity at a pianissimo dynamic. During rehearsal yesterday we started playing around and experimenting with that and y'all, it's so dang good.
Enough of that.
God these days has been more than amazing. That's kind of His norm though, isn't it? Haha I'll elaborate.
Take for example: my leaving last year. Whether I was coming back or not, I hardly had any solid friends left; I had severed numerous ties and broken numerous hearts that I knew it was going to be something I'd have to live with wherever I went.
Plot twist. Coming back to MC. And while the friendship thing is still a semi difficult process, the friends I stayed in contact with over the past year are some of closest friends in the world. The relationships that had been broken are starting to resurface and become incredibly fun and brand new friendships that I never thought would be possible. And the relationships that I've lost for good, God has given me a peace about them saying, "Trust me that I'm going to give you something better." That is NOT an easy thing to accept all the time, but I have no choice but to trust it. Friendships these days are just unexpected and not what I would have chosen, but now I can't imagine having it any other way. Thanks, God. You're the best!

The joys of being a big sister =)

So we all know that I'm a sister, a big sister of 8 siblings, and it's freakin' wonderful that I get that full time job/lifestyle. Being away at school though, while that's still my title, I don't get to be an active big sister as much as I want to be; I can only do and say so much with being 3 and a half hours away =( Which can be a a sad thing but at the same time it gives the younger sisters a chance to be the large and in charge ones around the house. I don't think I realized how much I missed being in that role until the other day when I got to be the big sister to someone who isn't related to me!
She's a transfer by the name of Hannah, cute as a button too, and she was going through a hard time with her love life and walk with Christ; my wonderful roommate (whom I know Hannah through) is the one who said that Hannah and I should talk and share our stories and our Christ experiences. So we did. :D. And one of the things that made me most excited was that I got to share was my love life with Christ! As I started talking, I realized I was talking to her the way I would one of my sisters: speaking from experience, love, and gentle rebuke. And not just from one girl to another girl. It was sister to sister. It was incredible. I ALSO got to give her the 2 of the most essential things in my life that are blessings and encouragement to any girl! Waterproof mascara and my copy of Jesus Calling. Any girl who doesn't have the 2 of those things to go through life with, come and find me and I will hook you up. Forrealz. I don't know, it just felt so so good to be able to be with someone and know for a fact that it good things for the both of us. So happy. SO happy =DDD

Ragtiiiiiiiiime

The musical Ragtime has officially started! Opening night was last night and we've still got tonight, tomorrow night, and all next weekend.
COME SEE IT.
Last night though, we had our share of mistakes and what not but kept going, quite beautifully too, and it can only get better from here.
Mom and Dad drove down here last night to see the show and hang out with me today, it was so fun! I don't hardly get to spend one-on-one time with both of them because well there are 10 of us and that just doesn't happen often, nbd. But it was fun pretending I was an only child this weekend! Haha they took me out to eat, re-stocked my food and necessity supply, and we all just had fun talking and laughing together. I love my parents. They really are the best pair out there. Argue me if you want, I'm ready.

One interesting thing I'd like to share with you: My story. Whether you know it or not, the door is always open to come and ask me anything you want. I know pretty much half of campus knows, but I've only legit told a handful of people but that's a number continually growing. :). Saying that, yesterday was the first time I've shared it with someone who doesn't view God the same way I do. And I don't think I fully realized that until halfway through my story. Did I have to tell it differently? A little, yeah. But the glory is still His, and will continue to be. I understand that every person I tell is going to get a version a bit different than the last. Not because I'm leaving parts out or making stuff up, but I think because each person is different and each person struggles with something different... So if part of my story shares a struggle with the person I'm sharing it with, I'm going to emphasize that and tell it more from that perspective. Does that make sense? I think it does. If it doesn't... read it again. ;D.

Also, pray for the roommate; she went home with pneumonia on Wednesday and is coming back tomorrow night. And I'm starting to miss her... =(

Note to leave you with:
You don't have to pray for God to give you love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, or self-control. You already have them! You just have to pray to be reminded of them!

Fall Break 2012

My fall break officially starts... tomorrow!
It would have started yesterday afternoon but Singers is performing our first concert at a wedding tonight! Yes, I'm bummed that my 4-5 day break got cut in half but at the same time, the girl who's wedding we're singing for is someone that is near to my heart and I would have gone to her wedding anyway.
I for real need a break though, especially from singing! This past Tuesday I experience physical tired-ness in my throat from singing. Where it legit hurt to sing. And then I realized, "Well, duh! I'm trying to sing 100% for five different things!" With that realization, I haven't been on vocal rest but I've been refraining from going full out, so prayerfully by Tuesday night's dress rehearsal my chords will be well rested and flawless :)
My word, this past week has been a trip. Quiz after test after paper after practice after rinsing and repeating. NOT TO MENTION a nineteen-page Music History Exam that I took Friday morning; took me a good hour and twenty friggin' minutes too! But it's done, it's over. This too shall pass. I feel pretty confident with it... I'll just rest in the fact of knowing that it could have been way worse. Way.

Something that God has been showing me quite vividly lately is perfect peace. At times I can feel my life becoming overwhelming to the verge of tears; I can feel hopeless and that I'm going nowhere but backwards; I can feel like everything I do is all for my glory and my gain. And the verse that continually comes to mind is Isaiah 26:3 saying, "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You." And when that floods my mind and heightens all of my senses, I feel it. Peace beyond understanding, crystal clear perfect peace. The matter of keeping it present 24/7 is where I struggle. But the people God has surrounded me oh so closely with seem to constantly be manifesting perfect peace, so my eyes are constantly being redirected towards Him and not I.

I'm peacin' out to go do hair and makeup for this wedding. Wonderful-weekend-wishes are headed your way. Mwuah!

in His name we overcome

Guys, this past week, ohhh goodness.
It is, by default, busy anyway because we're getting close to midterms and I'm in my sophomore year at college but it's extra busy because I've had to deal with this concussion and all the side effects of:
-a solid headache for 2 weeks
-sensitivity to light and sound
-occasional dizziness
-having trouble concentrating and focusing
-more likely to become irritable and/or depressed
-zero physical activity for a solid week if not more
All of that has upped my frustration and busy-ness and awareness of how much I CAN'T do.
All of that to say, "...the joy of the Lord is my strength," has never been a more take-to-heart verse than it has now. And it really changed my outlook on the whole thing. I knew what I could and couldn't do in my whole strength and it wasn't a whole lot at all. And in contrast, I knew exactly what I could do in His strength that surpasses my own understanding. Haha sometimes I feel like it's so complicated.. but it's as simple as not leaning on yourself and instead on the One who knows all to be in control.

That's been a recurring thing I've been struggling with since I've been here: leaning not on my own understanding. Not doing things my way. Gosh, we've seen how that's worked! Especially this past week, Friday, it marked exactly a year since I went home last year. Whoa. Yes, my emotions have been crazier than I'd like to admit and I'm remembering a lot about last year that I don't necessarily care to but through it all, God is continually whispering, "Kendall, My Child, this is why; Why you struggled with this, why you were home, why I gave you this story, and most importantly this is how I worked it for good and how I will continually work it for good." My mind keeps getting blown out of its sockets!! And then I have to remember: of course this doesn't make sense in my own understanding, His ways are not my ways. Never have been never will be. That can be worrisome sometimes, but at the exact same time it's something I can full well rest in and have such a peace in.

God is so good. And it becomes more evident every day.

God is Good.

This past weekend was jam-packed with last minute homework that took hours and Singers retreat! Ahh it was so good! And one of the best parts was that we only sang for about 2 hours the total trip O.O! We had a photo scavenger hunt, family time, "The Walk", football/tubing/high ropes course time, lots of snack time, and just downright good fellowship.
Now granted, I did kinda get knocked out playing football, and by knocked out I mean a girl and I smacked head and jaw and it resulted in swollen jaw and a concussion. My head is still throbbing a bit but it's way better than it was.
Our walk went really well; normally it's a time of total silence to be reflective and think about the Creator and His glory and majesty and the silence was still there but I wasn't being reflective. I was at first because we were walking around the lake and you're surrounded by the beauty of everything He created, but the majority of my walk time was spent looking at the people in front of me, behind me, and the people in step with me and I couldn't help but smile as I looked at 61 other individuals and knew for a fact that I knew them -who they were, what there life was like- that I cared for them, and that this year is only going to bring us all closer together. I love living life with these people, mainly because it's like a huge family a school (and I need a huge family wherever I go!) and it's because we're so different! Ah! It just makes me so excited!!!

School is becoming an overwhelming life consuming thing these days. Between play practice, Singers, mixed company, Women's chamber, voice and piano lessons, practicing for all of those, ballet class, all other music classes plus my 2 "normal classes", and homework/tests in all of those, I feel like I don't have time to live a normal life! To  play music that I don't have to memorize or study, to read a book for LEISURE and not requirement, to lolligag on the quad, to call people form home and talk to them on the phone, to just breathe.... It's becoming rare. I don't like it either. I know it'll lessen after the musical is over, after I get settled into the habit of school even more so than I already am, but goodness gracious.

Anyway, I'm about to head to Singers, and I genuinely am excited for that because we make some freakin' good music and our sound is always different and so much better after retreat.

-Much love
:)

wake me up when September ends

Y'all. I'm really not a fan of the month September. And I don't even give it a chance sometimes, but Green Day never let me ;p
There are a few reasons I'm wanting this month to end already like that the homework load is already too heavy, fall is full swing in October (cardigans and scarves galore!) and because Monday night my Pop passed away and I'm ready to be out of the funk that I seem to be stuck in.
It was so strange.. My mom called my Monday afternoon and told me that he probably wasn't going to make it through the end of this week, next week tops, and that threw me enough. I was in Chrestman talking to Sarah Kate and I was walking out the door to head to the Healthplex when my dad called and told me. I had hit the red exit button and everything but couldn't move. Sarah Kate heard my reaction and left her post at the desk and walked around the corner to me. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and turned on tears that didn't stop at the same time. I really don't know why God put Sarah there right as that happened, but He must've known that I'd need a shoulder to cry on for the few seconds after I got the news. I left school Wednesday after Singers, had clothes and homework packed and all that jazz (it felt like almost a year ago I was doing the same thing.... berh.) and drove home with my little brother who had come and gotten me.
Yesterday was the funeral and my huge family on my Mom's side all came, including some close family and church friends of ours. It was so strange. No one in my family knew of a specific reaction to have so the mourning spectrum ranged from complete silence to uncontrollable sobbing. Death is new to all of us.. we've never had a loss in the family... and to see it affect everyone the way it did just weighs heavy.
Today, well, I haven't been able to quite figure out the silence that seems to be everywhere. I went running this morning, I've been tens of times to know all the sounds and sights, and yet they all sounded hollow and didn't seem as vibrant today. Everyone seems content to just sit and stare into silence. And when that doesn't work an argument of some sort breaks out and it provides more of an edge. #agitation
Death is a strange and not so foreign thing anymore. I've come to find that there's nothing inside of me that likes it and that my awareness level has risen tremendously.
Take, for example, a piece of music we're getting up to performance level in Singers. A Boy And A Girl by Eric Whitacre.

Stretched out on the grass, a boy and a girl
savoring their oranges
giving their kisses like waves exchanging foam

Stretched out on the beach, a boy and a girl
savoring their limes
giving their kisses like clouds exchanging foam

Stretched out underground, a boy and a girl
saying nothing
never kissing
giving silence for silence

Tuesday, the day after I found out about Pop and the day before I went home, we practiced this and singing a picture of love coming to death broke my heart. My tears were all over the floor and I couldn't finish the song.
I don't like it. But at the same time, today was better than yesterday. If every day continues to be a little better than the day before and as God continually reminds me of the strength He has already given me, this too shall pass.

:)

So it's official: I have officially started my sophomore year at Mississippi College... again :)
Haha apologies to the faithful for not having written in a few weeks! Life got busy, people got annoying, and I was packing and practicing for school!
It's been incredible so far though: Singers is blowing my socks off, I got asked to be in the musical (Ragtime, come and see it) my roommate is, well, I have not the words to formulate how wonderful she is, and seeing/living with people my own age again is so good!
I was color coding and continually adding things to my planner last night and I realized that I won't have a free weekend until the first weekend in NOVEMBER! So let's forget the fact that I wanted to come back almost every Memphis in October, and multiple heartfelt apologies for everything I'm going to be missing within that month =(
Oh, and let me just tell you: my schedule is chocked full of a million and a half things already, and it's all music. This is excluding all things homework, all things friend/hangout time, and normal life. Ah, the life of a music major; I love it but sometimes...

On a different note, I feel a lot more, well, grown up this year -for lack of a better term- and it's not just because I'm 20 either! For starters, I thought my voice was going to be a process to get back into shape when it came time for those 6 hour rehearsals on Monday and Tuesday and for my voice lesson on Thursday. No no. I wouldn't call it muscle memory, but maybe heart memory? It's remarkable how easy it was/is for my voice and my determination to grow and strengthen my voice to come back but then I remember that this is where my heart is, this is what gets me to my core, and then it makes sense :)
I also realized that my speech has matured a bit, I'm using bigger words (when not using gibberish), speaking in a more eloquent manner (see that big word) and talking to my peers and my professors differently. And it's so fun! I feel like such a big kid!
The biggest thing of all that I realized I had become more of a grownup was last night, there was a dance party for all the new freshmen that were here sprinkled with some upperclassmen (for friendly faces and funky dance moves) and I stopped by for awhile and then I walked to my room to go and write a paper!
A PAPER!!
I don't understand why I had homework on the first week of classes anyway, and I really don't understand why I didn't stay and dance! For those of you who know me, I love dancing. Whether I be good at it or not, dancing is just something I love and have loved and will love. Always always. I didn't even realize what had happened until I was back in my dorm room. It was quite a shocking realization, I had to sit down ;P

Hahaha aside from all of that, *waves hand in direction of previous paragraph* life has been wonderful. The laughs and hugs have been plentiful, the friendships that grew even in this past year have grown even stronger in these past few days, God and I have gotten real REAL fast, and I'm content knowing that this is where He put me and these are the people that I'm living life with.



The feelings of imploding AND exploding with happiness are constant :)

it is time.

It's here, sweet Jesus, it's here!
I got my Singers music packet in the mail today! ASK me how excited I am right now!
Ahhhh!! It's great music to begin with (with an Eric Whitacre AND an African piece!) and knowing that I'll get to learn it, re-learn it, learn it again and PERFORM it with my fellow Singers makes my heart leap out of my chest! I can't believe it's here and this is happening!
It all seems to be rushing now; in 2 1/2 weeks I'll be moving into school, I've got just about everything I need (excluding carpet) for dorm and school, I just got my music to start working on (yes, the IPA madness HAS started), I'm finishing up at work by going back to part time as all of our kids move into their new classes, I'm starting to pack up my room, and it seems it got here so fast! Now granted, it does NOT feel like yesterday when I had come home from school 10 months ago, that was definitely a long time ago, but now that I look back the time has flown and God's blessings have poured out in such an abundance I don't know where to put all of them!
I was talking to a dear friend last week and was telling her about my upcoming school year with my amazing roommate, the classes I'll be taking with a whole group of new students whom I adore, my relationships with my professors being stronger and the deeper and wider friendships I've built up this past year and I realized: this school year is turning out perfectly. Like nothing I could have imagined or created on my own; impossible had I not come home; it's better than last year was. It's better than I could have formulated.
IT'S BETTER.
And I know there were more than a zillion reasons -known and unknown to me- why I came home, but it's almost as if God is saying, "Kendall, if for no other reason, so I could show you what your school experience could look like while I am in control." MY GOSH!
I'm so hackin' excited that I'm annoyed my fingers can't type fast enough and this keyboard can't come up with enough words! My stomach is quivering with excitement, my heart is racing, I want to jump around and yell (more than I already have) and just, just go hug everybody I see!!
dhjgsdioughjksidlfkhdfsnkaljfbdkmlgjbhjnzkl!

35 and counting..

I'll confess: I may or may not be counting down the days until school starts. Is that bad? Mmmm, no :)
I can't help that I'm excited! To see people I haven't seen in a year, to meet new people, to actually do SCHOOL, to sing my heart and soul out, and to learn new skills to complete and use my major!
I'M SO PUMPED! It's almost like, I don't see how people DON'T like school! (Ask me again how I feel about school during midterms and finals though, my answer/reaction will prooooobably be a tad different, ha).
Ohhh today has just been a good day! The sermon was good this morning, I had a cheeseburger for lunch, I got to lay out by the pool (something I haven't had time for this whole entire summer yet!) and swim around with my littlest brother, and then I met the bestie at starbucks and just caught up on life! Hit up tarjay afterwards and found the most perfect comforter on sale (Hosanna!) and THEN the rooming situation that I had been stressing worked itself out and I now have a registered room and a registered roommate and I was so happy I started jumping! Which didn't make the white mocha inside of me sit too well.. but I didn't care!
WHOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


Today was such a contrast to my yesterday; I shall tell you about it:
I work, 8-5, Monday through Friday, every single week. That's just my life this past year. I love having my Saturdays off to sleep late, do absolutely NOTHING, and eat all day. Quite lovely. But this past Saturday, one of my favorite moms asked me to babysit her to precious ones from 8-3. I had to seriously sit down and think about that one, that's sacrificing the whole day! I ended up saying yes though, cause in the fall the older of the 2 kids heads off to kindergarten and I head off to school! (AND money is money!) So I wasn't jumping for joy at 7am that morning, but I did it. We did have a blast, I'll admit that =)
Afterwards though, I hung out with a friend -we went shoe shopping and sushi eating and movie watching- and with this friend, the way he converses with me and treats me comes across as someone who doesn't know anything about me and one who needs constant affirmation. It wears me out! By the end of the night I was so exhausted and high strung that I just wanted to scream and then not talk! Which is what I did.... after I got in my own car to head home. But seriously, is that even a friendship that's good for me?! And it's not just him either, it seems to be happening to all my friends from high school!
I think I'm hitting the time in my life when the friends I have from college become way more prominent and important and appreciated than the friends I had growing up. I guess this happens to everybody at some point: going from the friends who stay with you for those 4+ awkward years in middle school and high school to going to a comPLETEly different set/diverse group of people who know you for the developed/person yet to develop that you are.
Honestly, if the friends I have right now in college are the friends I have for the rest of my life, are in my wedding, have their kids play with my kids, etc., that is totes fine with me. I would be so happy with these people in my life for the whole rest of it :D
Now if you'll excuse me, it's past my bedtime

Forgiveness

Forgive
(verb)
- to excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
- to renounce anger or resentment against.
- to absolve from payment

"These verbs mean to refrain from imposing punishment to an offender or demanding satisfaction for an offense; a conventional way of offering an apology. More strictly, to forgive is to grant pardon without harboring resentment."

Oh. My gosh. The word sounds nice and heartfelt, but seriously, forgiving is one of the hardest things (at least for me) to do!
It's one thing to become frustrated when you know you have to forgive someone, but it's a whole different bucket of worms when you're trying to forgive someone that YOU wronged in an almost identical sort of way. It kind of doesn't allow me to be mad at the person because I'm struggling to forgive them. Does this make sense? I hope so.
I've become close friends with a rut and a hard place on this forgiveness factor with certain people in specific circumstances; sometimes I feel forgiveness full force while other times I feel bitterness and resentment bubbling around like a lava lamp! I have it written down, somewhere, in my Bible that says, "True forgiveness is thinking back through everything without bitterness." Sometimes, I honestly don't think I'll ever get there. And yet, there are those other times where I already find myself thinking through things, and thinking about them as just things, not as feelings or anything else.
It's a process that God is still holding my hand, walking me through.

"Bear with each other, and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Colossians 3:13

"If you, oh Lord, kept a record of sins, oh Lord, who could stand? But with You there is forgiveness; therefore You are feared."
Psalm 130:3-4

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."
Ephesians 1:7-8

A different way of seeing things

This, I've noticed, is either my 50th or 51st blog entry. Halfway to 100. I've been talking a lot =D

So these past couple of days and weeks, in the words of my dear friend Becca Stovall, I feel have been mundane. I go to work, 8-5, every weekday, I come home after work and either swim or just sit around, and the weekends consist of sleeping late, NOT doing anything because I'm so tired, and running siblings around. Does it come across as boring? Heck yes. Almost a tedious sort of boring too! It's exhausting to keep such a routine and to not grow weary of it!

Anywho, the reason I'm posting tonight is because, again- as Becca worded it, God is working through my nothingness.

Today, a coworker and I went to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's (Avenger themed) and it was weird for me! I haven't been there in so long, seeing how much the place had changed kind of shocked me in general, seeing all these kids from work who are shocked to see me in a place OTHER than work is always funny, and it was brought to my attention that I never did these sorts of things for my birthday parties growing up; the themed parties and going out somewhere to have them... There are 10 of us so I can understand where my parents are coming from, but I don't know, I never felt like I was missing out! Whenever we had/have parties it involves cooking out, trips to sonic/mcdonalds/yogurt mountain for ice cream, swimming, occasional roller rinks and/or haunted corn mazes, the cheap stuff that is super fun and full of more memories made! Granted, I stopped having parties when I was 9, just cause I think it's awkward to get friends from different circles to come together to bring you gifts (like you're the Messiah or something! jk) and celebrate everything about you! Puts me on a pedestal, in a sense, and I don't like that.
It's my natural instinct to make sure everyone is involved in whatever activity we're doing in every setting, so I played with a lot of kids today, making sure that everyone got to do something and everyone had a token and everyone got tickets (habit I picked up from having younger siblings I suppose) and I didn't think of it as a favor or even think about it at all! It was when I had parents coming up to me, thanking me for the attention I gave their child, or what an impact I have on their children as their teacher, did I realize what was happening. It's weird to think that the habits I make, just for and in my own family, effect other people and families and they're appreciative of it!

One more thing, I've written about the virgin topic before, and I'm going to write just a bit more, right now. :D
Do I want to wait until marriage? Of course. Is it a struggle for me right now? No. I work at a preschool and I'm not dating anyone. Hello.
A friend of a friend that I had met tonight, was asking about me, who I was/what I was like/what I did with my life/etc., and the question of whether I was a virgin or not came up (the people asking were males), and the answer that was given them was yes.
The response that was relayed back to me wasn't one I was expecting at all: "She IS a virgin? That's so cool. I think that's incredibly awesome."
I don't think I've ever thought about my virginity being on the cool factor... I just haven't.
And I asked my friend to explain why that would be a cool there and here's what she told me: "Kendall, a lot of guys, whether they admit it or not, like it when a girl is still a virgin. Especially when they're dating, but even if they're not, it's still an incredible amount of respect for the girl. Having morals and keeping them, shows a lot about who you are, what is important to you, and it's a huge sign of maturity. It also puts an incredible amount of trust in the guy for you, knowing that you haven't been down that road and you're not going there until the right time."
I don't feel like a did a great job of relaying that conversation into word format, but whatever.
Anyway, it just blew my mind! Because again, this isn't something I'm making a conscious decision of everyday, and it's not something I struggle with, and it's a testimony to people that I don't even really know!

Agh, this is still strange for me to write about, cause I usually don't talk about all this, but ya know? Whatevs.

Peace

Wait, it's summertime already...???

My word, this year has crawled and flown by at the same time! When I think about it in terms of not being at school, time has draaaaaaaagged. When I think about it in months, we're already halfway through the year of 2012!!! In two and a half weeks we'll be 6 months away from CHRISTMAS!
(Notice: Please don't think I'm counting down, it's my co-worker who makes me constantly aware as to how far away Christmas is. Thank you.)
And wow, I've had quite the week this past week, and I'm gonna sit down and write about it RIGHT NOW!
So the previous week to this one a few things happened that kinda shook up my world. First: my second favorite sister (yes, I play favorites), Claire, has had a lot of tests and scans and exams run on her lately because something isn't right in her brain/spinal area. We FINALLY found out what it was! Lyme disease! From a deer tick that bit her.. who knows how many months ago. So no, it wasn't spinal fluid infection or a brain tumor or swollen muscles in her eyes, it was side effects to lyme disease! Like, that's not a good thing, but it's a great thing compared to all of the first possibilities we came across! Also, a few days ago we found out she had mono on top of that; the side effects that involve the exhaustion, aches and sore muscles all over, and bad headaches are all from mono. Bless her heart she's only 11! I don't know why Satan is attacking the crap out of her, but she's never been more prayed over in our family or in our church so the healing WILL come.
Secondly, this past weekend the middle 5 sibs were at camp, the younger 3 were at grandparents, and my parents were in Florida for a conference. So who had the whole house to herself from Thursday to Sunday?
THIS GIRL!!!
Too bad I'm too lazy and a goody-two-shoes to throw a house party... or something wild like that ;P
It was fun though! Thursday I stayed out with a friend, purposely pretty late so I wouldn't have to be alone for TOO long by myself, (we also went to the shooting range and let's just say.. I own face).
Friday, right after work, I went to pick up the 3 little ones from Mawmaw and Pawpaw's house, which, I love going over there. Millington, in some parts, is just peaceful to me.. Mmm =) and I spent way too much of my childhood there so it's like home! I brought them home with me, and we hit up sonic for dinner and a redbox (best big sister? Oh yes). Saturday a nice lazy day for all of us, which was soo needed! But I did surprise them by taking them to go see a movie (Mirror Mirror) and I taught them the importance of sneaking snacks into the movie theater! I would consider myself a complete pro though, because mama was able to sneak sushi in there. Oh yes.
Whilst on this fun adventure though, no matter where we went or who we saw, I was CONSTANTLY being mistaken for a single mom of 3! It was a fun game to play with them, don't get me wrong, but COME ON PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I took them to their final destination that night so I got the house to myself again, plus Erin and Justin: great friends who introduce great tv shows and movies to myself being time consumed and in the dark about a lot of shows and films.
Sunday I went to Fellowship again... I like that place. It's so full of difference. From the way they worship to the preaching style to the kind of people in there, it just makes me feel at home! Hit up a restaurant called Chipotle afterwards and I don't get why people don't believe me when I say I'm going to eat everything I order.. even if it is a huge burrito stuffed with pork, chicken, beans, sour cream, cheese, lettuce and salsa. Whatever. Sunday night was spend napping, redbox-ing Footloose (cute cuuuuute) and eating Chinese takeout! I legit felt like one of those single girls you see in movies, rockin' out to music with herself on a Friday night with takeout and a movie. And I was completely fine with it 8-D
That night though, the storm was AWFUL! I got kinda freaked out and it's in moments like those I praise Jehovah for non-weird/nice/supportive/understanding/non-creepy neighbors who invited me over to spend the night with their 3 daughters and granddaughter! I don't know if ya'll know this about me, but thunderstorms kind of freak me out. Always have. I used to race down the hall to mom and dad's room as soon as I saw the first strike of lightning or heard the first boom of thunder. I don't that anymore, duh, but they definitely keep me awake and knot my stomach up.
Monday: just for your entertainment, I got all ready for work in my rain boots and skinny jeans and big tshirt, and as I'm bending underneath the garage to get my dogs food, I hear a horrific ripping sound! I turn around only to see my pants SPLIT right down the back! I was mortified!!!! Praise the Lamb that my neighbors had already left on both sides of my house, and no one was home! Haven't told many people that, and I still probably shouldn't be embarrassed cause nobody saw it, but I still can't completely laugh about it yet.

Anyway, I've run out of things to say... for now. Until we meet again :)

"...and their nets were full..."

I don't think I've sat down in awhile, pushed everything out of my life and my mind, and realize how blessed I am. Personally, I think that comes from being too busy and too whiny.
2 weeks ago, we had our 4 year olds from work graduate! And yes, I know that having a graduation from preschool to kindergarten is dumb but keep those comments to yourself. About half of these preschoolers, I had taught since they were 2! Did I cry? Good gravy I was spurtin' tears! I cried more than some of the parents! (but of course, this girl carries her waterproof around hehe)
This past week I did something every night after work, from kickboxing to graduation dance parties to bowling to going to see my special needs friends at their camp to not going to bed early. So, I've been on a no-rest, time-consuming, emotion-wearing, sort of rockin' roller coaster.
Today was the day though, that God brought all this to my attention though; I had been spending all my time with friends and family, and they've all seemed to be paired of tripled off... and I just kinda hop in and hop out. Whether it be couples, close siblings, close friends, I've fit in but not as solidly as they all have with each other. And today, as I was driving home, I was hit with the feeling of loneliness, and my word it was overwhelming. It kinda knocked the breath out of me a bit. And I hated it! I can't remember the last time I felt that alone or forgotten or just that out of sorts!
Right in the middle of it, I felt God's presence filling up my car, and just settling down on me. I felt Him saying, "Kendall, calm down. When have I ever let you be completely alone? When have I ever forgotten you?" And at that point I cried a little bit more for feeling and acting like I had forgotten who and whose I was. I don't like feeling lonely, and in all reality I have no reason to.. or even to think I am. I have the one who created everything and everyone inside of me, I am surrounded with brothers and sisters in Christ, and I have all of nature surrounding me when they aren't.
It shook me up a little, in a good way though, so I'm glad for that.

On a side note, I'm getting pumped for school, cause it's getting closer and closer!

Houston, I think we've got a problem...

The title of this entry, I really don't have a problem, it's just the end line of the chorus of this new random song I'm jammin' to. Oh yeah.

ANYWAY, hi!! Haven't written in awhile! How have you been on the other side of the screen? I've been thinking about ya'll for a while, just haven't had a block of time more than 20 minutes that I could sit down and just BREATHE!
In the time since we last wrote/read, I turned 20, went swimming for the first time this year, went to a homeschool prom, made 2 new mix cds, Skyped-which is big cause nobody really does that anymore-, played in my cousin's wedding, hit up my other cousin's band concert (he is such a boss!), got to do a Trike-A-Thon for St. Jude with my preschool, and cleaned my room... twice!
Other than that, my life has been kind of slow going. I've been having trouble catching up on my sleep lately partially because I've been staying up and sometimes out late and partially because I waste time at night not going to bed and not stopping to chill out any during my day. Whew. So the feelings of being worn out and run down have been lingering like that stinky feet smell.
School news: If mail could be as fast and efficient as email, I could get this rooming sitch taken care of! And I love my future roomie, we just have differing color-schemes for our room in the fall. I'll walk in the Spirit about that one. :D.

For everyone's information: My main love language is touch, it just is, so all the hugs I've been getting lately have been giving me HUGE adrenaline rushes, and it's AWESOME. Hug me.

the beginning of my weeeeeeek

On this wonderfully lazy Sunday, filled with my small traditional church, a fun hairstyle, a bike ride, coffeecoffeecoffee, and quality time with my dog, I've come to this conclusion that I'd like to share:
I don't ever want to be in a place in my life where I don't make/take time to talk to God to process things. There have been multiple times in my life - some serious, some dumb - where I didn't take the time to step outside of the business, of life, of myself, to talk things out and process them and dwell on them with my Father. And guess where that got me? Got me nowhere REAL fast.
Last night would be a good example of what I'm talking about. I went to a frat formal with a good friend and call me homeschooled, call me awkward, call me whatever you want, but the party scene that consists of drinking and grinding and short dresses and getting hands-y and just being stupid is reeeeally not my thing. So, in that situation, if I appear out of place and unsure of what to do, that's exactly what I am! On the way home, I had to turn the radio off and just sit in silence awhile before I could process any of it. God and I had a nice chat about it; for one (I don't know about you), but saying things out loud/talking it out really helps me realize things or I think while I'm talking and such things like that. For two, getting the privilege to talk to the One of made me and who has control over everything and desires a relationship with me as much as I desire one with Him, freakin' overwhelms me! Knowing that my confusing and screwed up and minuscule emotions are being listened to and being returned with comfort and patience and peace just brings a smile o my face and rocks my world!
So between last night's ride home and today's quality time with my dog and the outside, I had me some good process time; not just about last night but about a lot of things that have happened over this past year that I haven't sat down and thought about/talked out/reacted to. Definitely a good thing. Definitely something that needs to happen waaaay more often. Definitely something needed.
Peace out.

He doesn't see what you see

Whoa. These past 2 weeks have been chocked full of life and God... more so than usual haha
Lemme tell you about them =)

This past weekend I traveled down to dear Clinton, to see some dear friends and to see my dearly beloved choir, Singers, perform their last concert of the year. It kind of blew my mind to think that this school year has gone by already... it didn't fly but at the same time it kinda did. I stayed with a good friend by the name of Sarah Kate who just so happens to be my future roommate (YAY!) and got to hang out with a lot of people I haven't seen in awhile! Another plus was that I didn't tell many people I was coming down this past weekend so I got to surprise people :D
I did do one thing that weekend that I never thought I'd do: I climbed the mill in downtown Clinton; didn't even know people did that! I don't really know how high up I was but I do know that it took my spit a looooong time to get from my mouth to the ground hahaha
One thing I realized/felt/knew as I was down there was the surpassable peace I was feeling - the feeling of rest. I can't tell you how long I've been needing and craving to feel that. Another thing that was brought to my attention was the fact that I definitely have my work cut out for me there. While going to another college would be a fresh start, I believe God brought MC back into the picture as a way to be a living testimony. God told me that MC was my mission field, my place to be, to thrive, to show all of Him and not me. That will require work, being set solidly and emotionally in the Lord, and there will be bad days, oh there will be bad days
BUT
He's got this! What I consider "the best" for me is my point of view. Not His point of view on what's best for me. That lesson has come into play major lately: Wanting to fix problems, deal with people who bother me, know what to do about frustrating circumstances, how to handle confusion when it comes to my heart, God has been CONTINUALLY saying, "Kendall! Quit looking at what YOU think is best! I know what's best for you so SHUTUP!" Maybe not quite like that, but pretty close :)
Yeah, I don't know how this next school year is going to go, what all I'm going to run into this time around, or even how the summer is gonna go, but I'm not really worried about it. I know for a fact that God is using and is going to use me and I'm just resting in that =)

April Fools!

And surprisingly enough, there have been no pranks or any foolery going on around me all day. Hosanna. Oh, it's also Palm Sunday =D (I celebrated by sticking a palm branch in my back windshield wiper -hosanna in the back!)

What has been on my mind lately, and most vividly today, is love.
Do you remember what it was like falling in love? Or thinking you were falling in love? Or seeing love on movies and wanting it so bad it almost hurt?
Do you remember the excitement of somebody new in your life who says and does all the right things, that make all your insides go haywire? And you can't help but think that the end goal, the end thing, is falling hopelessly head-over-heels in love?
I LOVE those feelings! Cause I'm a girl and because God designed all of us for relationships! But one thing that struck me pretty hard today was the saying, "Remember your first love." In reference to Jesus.
I can tell you exactly how I felt the first time a guy told me he loved me: the roller coaster feeling in my stomach, fighting to breathe normally, my palms sweating, getting dizzy and light-headed, and just giddy. But thinking about the fact that from the very first time I heard about Jesus, it was that He loved me. Then growing up and developing a relationship with Him, I discovered His love on an even deeper level and it became more real to me through various experiences. I put Him in the place of a best friend when I didn't have one, and I put Him in the place of my romance when action with guys was lacking.
But I can honestly say that I've never had the physical rush of whatever when I hear that Jesus loves me. It's always with guys, always with my kids at work, always with my close friends; always with something irrelevant compared to Him, especially in the long run.
I don't like that at all!
I want to go back to my first love, NOT because I loved it first, but because He first loved ME. Not because when I was ready I wanted to give Him my life and my all, but because He had already given His life, His all, His everything to me and it was because of nothing I did but because He loved me.
I want to live with that rush; that thrill and excitement and love look that comes from long term marriages or new couples. I want to be so caught up and distracted in that fact - that solid fact - that nothing can wipe the smile off my face, the spring in my step, or the giddy-ness in my smile.
I want to go to my first love.

Healed.

A number of things happened today that shook up my world a bit, and my fingers have been jumping all over the place to get myself to sit down and type it alllll out and to share it. So voila!

School.
Here's the beef, whether people feel like it should happen or not, I'm coming back to MC in the fall. Why? Because God is telling me (and pretty clearly at that) that I should. I have tons of reasons not to go back, and I really shouldn't even have the option anymore, but God keeps raining/reigning down blessings regarding MC into my lap and I'm not doing a thing! I have Financial Aid worked out, the music stuff set up, I even have a roommate! God's timing SO does not make sense to me but it couldn't have been more perfect!

Health:
I've been getting more and more sick as this past weekend has progressed and today the fever hit me... along with a swollen throat, puffy eyes, an ache-y body, and sinus pressure that is so intense that it hurts when I move my eyes! MY EYES!
Anywho, I had already called my boss and told her that coming in tomorrow was NOT going to be an option, she found a replacement and all that jazz, and my baby brother (the 18 year old one) and I start having a super great conversation. At the end of this conversation he stands up and says, "Alright come on, stand up. We've gotta pray healing over your throat."
I'm sorry... what?? I went along with it though, stood up and walked over next to him and he put his hand on my throat and started praying.
Guys.
What happened during that prayer still blows my mind. As SOON as he started praying, I felt my throat open up; like a fist being unfurled after a long time. It was freaking me out but at the same time I couldn't believe what was happening! I started crying tears of joy and as I looked at my brother's face he was radiating the Spirit (not like a flashlight or anything, metaphorically). I couldn't say a word I was so shocked! He got done and asked how my throat was... and I told him exactly what happened in a clear voice with an un-swollen throat that I hadn't had all day! AH! I might be able to go to work tomorrow after all! Haha! It's still un-swollen too, it doesn't hurt at all!

Agh, lastly, family.
Tonight was something different with our family... something we had never experienced together. We were going through our same routine of dinner, and then the minor bickering between dad and said teenager and something we like to do in our family is gang up on each other or against each other. Cruel, but it's what we've been doing. Then Michael, baby brother, out of nowhere (but for him I suppose it was very much somewhere) started speaking out against it. To my parents, to the siblings, to everybody. Saying that we believe one reality and live a completely different one and that it wasn't right and he was tired of it! Tired of the fake, tired of the stupid things we argue about day in and day out, tired of harsh and rash being ways we use to discipline, tired of us abiding by the ways society tells us to act, tired of so many things! And it was like we were all dumbstruck; like mom and dad as well as us kids had forgotten how to talk.
Never have any of us kids come out and say anything like that towards our parents or just in general. After we had regained our balance we all started talking about things... issues we had and how to resolve them. Not just mom and/or dad providing solutions, but all of us. So it was almost like we all had a resolution to work on to fix something.
One point that stuck out to me the most was the fact that we stay so much inside the role of "family" that we almost completely forget and disregard the fact that we're brothers and sisters in Christ. See here: we're 12 individuals with our own relationship with Jesus Christ *makes vertical motion* and we usually tend to keep it that way. Our outlets are different.. and it's like we choose to tell and share with everyone except for our blood-related family. Like, I could never sit down and tell my mom something that I would tell my best friend or my mentor, because I don't view her as a sister in Christ. I view her as the role she plays: my mother. Same goes with sharing and experiencing things with my dad and brothers and sisters.
It's getting out of this role playing game and treating each other like more than a "family" but an actual FAMILY and doing it to the glory of Christ! It's getting real with each other! It's bearing with each other and forgiving whatever grievances you may have against one another!

GET THERE.

Abiding Above Guilt

^
That was the title of our Sunday morning service this morning, and the main definition of doubt was that it was simply rejecting the facts and the evidence of God's Word.
Kind of strange to think about... When you're a Christian you don't like to think of the fact that you yourself doubt God's Word and Promise, but when we find ourselves doubting ourselves, our faith, and our well-being that's exactly what we're doing.
Chew on it.

School stuff has become less hectic and way more peaceful coming solely from the Creator of the Universe telling me to quit worrying about things and let Him take the wheel. Okay, I can do that.
As simple of a concept that is, and as freakin' hard as it is, it's actually quite wonderful and stress-free... takes a load off of my acne too :)
I'm not going to say yet where I think God is leading me to school, because some of the pieces still need to fall into place and I feel like I'm rushing it a bit, but it'll be on here soon enough, no worries =D

I had 2 days off last week, Thursday and Friday, to go down to Mobile (which I didn't, long story), and let me tell you: I don't think I can ever go that long without my kids and with that much time to myself ever again. It was like having 3 Saturdays in a row! The sleeping late and doing nothing and not being rushed, I mean yeah it was nice, but 3 days of it?!? No thanks! I can't do it! And I missed my kids WAY too much!

Mercy!

On a different note, not sure what kind, I think I'm getting sick. I'm so through with being sick, like, no lie. Yesterday I just felt ugh, and today didn't prove to be much better. I think a fever tacked itself onto my head today but I removed it with Tylenol. Mwuahaha.

Can I also just say I love babysitting? I've babysat every weekend for the past month and I haven't gotten tired of it yet. Partially because it's money, and partially because these kids are hilarious! One kid I babysat for last night, her name is Isla, and I was having trouble finding a top to one of her sippy-cups and out of the blue she said, "Oh<, I can help you find it, I'm spider man!" She said it so matter-of-factly that I couldn't help but laugh! Aggghhhhh love it so much!

Another thing: Sister got back from Haiti yesterday and today after church was the first time I've gotten to see her in over a week! We hugged, cried, and she poured out her heart to me (half in English, half in Creole) and all about her trip and how she had left her heart in Haiti; she showed me about 700 pictures and each one had a story with it that she told with such passion and longing my heart ached for hers. I hardly ever see my sister passionate to the point of tears about something, that's always been my role ha. She's cried a lot since she's been home, which makes my heart hurt for her even more.

It is a terribly hard thing to be somewhere and have your heart somewhere else.

the three

Hallo :)
I'm writing because I want to, and because I have a few followers who are gently complaining that I'm not writing enough. Whatevs :D

So, as I'm trying to figure this whole school thing out (where I wanna go, what I wanna do, how far is too far away from home, the possibility of a car or not, scholarships) -- pretty much end of senior year of high school for me all over again -- Mom came into my room last night and asked if we could talk about school. Now lemme tell ya, talking about school lately, mostly with my dad, hasn't been the most pleasant thing to talk about in regards to money and Dad wanting me pretty much nowhere but Union. Anywho, Mom came in, asked to talk/say something, so I stopped my movie and she proceeded to tell me that she had been praying all day and felt like God was telling her to tell me that she was letting go; it didn't matter where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, whether it be Memphis or whether it be Chicago, she would be backing me up 100% and she'd let me go.
I've been hearing this speech for awhile, but this was the first time that these words rang true, and I could see it.
Which, she said, if I wanted to go back to MC, was also an option. Whatever I felt like God was telling me to do.
This girl has done a GREAT job at blocking out all desire for MC and wanting to go there again. I mean, I've given it to God, and He's helped tremendously with giving and taking what I need given and taken, but to have MC as an option back on the table again? My head was spinning and my heart was racing and I could hardly breathe. All at once, these other schools I was looking at seemed blurry and worthless; I started picturing scenarios of music lessons/trips, roommates and old friends, and my mind wasn't stopping. I had to get alone with God, and fast!
I did what I normally always do when situations like these present themselves, and I go out, at night, into the streets of my neighborhood, look up at the stars, and cry. And when I've calmed down, I have some serious talk-time with Daddy. As I was freaking out under the beautiful sky He had provided, I was waiting and waiting for answers to come and epiphany's to be reached and all He gave me (which was enough) was this:
Be still.
Know that I am God.
And honestly, just like that, I was calm. The tears stopped, my stress level dropped to zero, and I was at an incredible peace.
When I came inside, I grabbed my copy of Jesus Calling and here's what the mini devotional was for that day:

"Waiting, trusting, and hoping are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain. Trusting is the central strand, because it is the response from My children that I desire the most. Waiting and hoping embellish the central strand and strengthen the chain that connects you to Me. Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me. If you mouth the words, "I trust You," while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow. Hoping is future-directed, connecting you to your inheritance in heaven. However, the benefits of hope fall fully on you in the present.
   Because you are Mine, you don't just pass time in your waiting. You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust. Keep your "antennae" out to pick up even the faintest glimmer of My Presence."

John 14:1
Do not let your hearts be troubled. trust in God, trust also in Me.

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Hebrew 6:18-19
God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.


That's not an answer, but that's straight up Truth, Peace, and not in my control.
Like, I know everybody gets stressed about things, everybody has to wait for things, nobody knows how things are going to turn out. Know what's been helping me a whole lot as far as that goes?
Trust first, hoping next, and waiting is just easy.
Those three just go together, you can't have one without the other.
=D

hi, march

Gah, it's March already? Not that it's a bad thing the first 2 months of 2010 have flown by, it's just making sure I enjoy them while they're flying.
I write in an apathetic state of mind, not 100% sure of the reason why, but I just feel like complaining and whining sometimes. I really do. And a lot of times I feel like I'm not allowed to do that, because I have to be the good teacher, I have to be the good big sister, I have to be fun all the time for my friends and family, I've got to stay light-hearted and easy-going, I've got to have a smile on and my head up all the time...
it's freakin hard sometimes.
Especially when I'm impatient; especially when I'm wondering and waiting; especially when I'm tired; especially when I miss people; especially when I'm frustrated; especially when I feel like people only have me around/use me for a good laugh or advice they couldn't think of on their own; especially when so much is expected of this 19 year old who's still trying to figure out this life and God thing.
Gosh.
this is my rant, and now it's over.

A Note from the King... Spoken Through a Prince

A friend of mine wrote and shared this on his facebook page, and I wanted more people to be able to see this; not him writing, but God speaking through him (=D):

Dear Beloved Daughters,

I write this for women young and old who don't see their tiara, they forget the dress they wear and the jewels around their neck.

I don't know your situation, but I know that without your identity things can become a wreck.

Knowing this I've been given a message where the Lord wants to speak.

As I read please listen and know that His heart is the longing that you seek.

God loves you so much. He knows your heart and knows how to satisfy your spirit.

They are connected and He holds firm with sacrifice to show his endearment.

His love is a tornado and your heart is in the middle.

His love is the answer and your heart is the riddle.

His love is the battle cry and your heart is the roar.

His love is the conductor and your heart is the score.

You are his beloved and He calls you by name!

You are his beloved and He says "I made you to live without shame!

I made you  beautiful! You are my sunset sky and my shooting star!

You glisten like rain-kissed lilies and bloom like the roses you are!

You are my symphony and the song I sing.

You are my harp and my favorite string.

I love you dear daughter and call you my home!

You are my beautiful, you are never alone!

Oh my beloved I long for you to hear, please listen for your name, for you are the song that draws me near.

I am captivated by your beauty and stunned by your face.

This is my truth and the beauty of my grace!

You are forgiven and you have been given life beyond this place.

Take hold of your inheritance and look in the mirror.

You are my daughter and my love will only grow clearer.

Open up your heart and dump out all the shame!

You are my beloved and I will never stop loving your name!

You are my beloved and I will never stop loving your name!

You are my beloved and I will never stop loving your name!"

The Lord longs for your hearts. He loves you all.

He sees you as his beloved daughters. 

Please open up your hearts and receive the inheritance that belongs to you all.

As a brother with you, I am marveled at God's love and how He calls me a son.

I love Him so much and my life is changed because of who HE... calls ME.

Please accept the name that He gives you and love Him as He loves you!

In brotherly love,

             Jesse L. DeShazo

I cannot emphasize enough the fact that every single woman is created in HIS image; flawless, shameless, overflowing in richness and beauty, without blemish, and perfected.

And whether or not God has this cut out for me or not, at some point in my life I would absolutely LOVE to speak to young girls - from like, middle school to high school - on this subject. Strictly because I believe that God has gifted me with words, a heart for teenage girls, and experiences to have a decent standpoint/point of view on this topic.

Oh yeah, I'm ready!

I don't like roses.
Even though I got one from one of my kids for Valentines Day, I'll live; I'm dyeing it green though hehe :D

I'm not a particular fan of Valentines Day, never have been and probably never will be. I don't have a specific reason, it's just something I don't get excited over like I do Groundhog's Day (6 more weeks of winter!!). I even make it a point to wear orange and purple.. or any other color for that matter that isn't pink, white, or red.

WELL.
This Valentine's Day was a little different:
I got to spend 9 hours of my day with 19 of the sweetest kids the world has ever known, all of which (including my downs-syndrome one) asked me to be their Valentine. Thank goodness I wore waterproof because I was tearing up at the sweetness of it all!
It was a day we were all "feelin' the looooooove" and "got the party started" by eating tons of candy, dancing, playing Pin-the-Valentine-on-the-Mailbox, dipping things - everything- in chocolate, and giving and getting little Valentine goodies :)

I wore red, I got a rose, I received and gave out a million and a half kisses, ate my weight in chocolate dipped strawberries, and have never felt more love than I have in my entire life.

Happy Valentine's Day <3






and yes, I also realize today is the day after..... bite me

looking inwards

For the past three and a half years, I have viewed my job as something that comes second; second to school, second to family and friends, second to life. When I came back home, I viewed my job as something that occupied almost my entire day and then I had nights and weekends to work on myself and my situation.
God showed me something quite different the other day.
I should be in counseling, I should be on depression medication, I should be struggling, I shouldn't be happy and joyful and hopeful, I should be scarred, I should be discontent with where I am.
But I'm not.
And until last week when God so generously pointed that out to me, I hadn't even noticed.
My three-year olds, the ones that I'm hangin' with 8+ hours a day, are doing the job; God is giving me everything I need in relation to every single one of my circumstances in the form of a toddler who call me "Miss Tendall" haha never in a million years did I see that coming!
I don't think I've ever had parents coming into my room asking who "Miss Kendall" was because their kid couldn't stop talking about her, or having any group of children love on me and hug me and kiss me and cuddle with me as much as I do these children! It's surreal!
When I wake up in the morning, sometimes I am SO miserable because I'm tired or because I feel sick or because it's 645am, but then I get to work and my kids drop what they're doing and run to hug my legs the second I walk in the door; and not just one of them either, all 19 of them!
The verse that talks about, and I'm paraphrasing, being able to forgive and being able to show love and compassion strictly because of the way God forgives us and the way He shows love and compassion to us really speaks volumes with my work world.
When I first got back, things were extremely difficult, especially with showing love and compassion and forgiveness, but never have I been able to show those attributes this much than I have this past fall and winter! And God gets all the glory for that one; and I don't doubt that He hasn't ever showed any of that to me, maybe it's just that I'm seeing it in a clearer way and that I"m experiencing it in ways that I never have before! Quite the thriller, lemme tell ya ;D


On a different note, this girl got accepted into Belmont University and the University of Mobile as of yesterday!!! Now I just have to get through the auditions, one next weekend and one in March, and I'm this much closer to knowing where I'm-where God wants to put me in the fall! I know it won't be for about another 6 months, but I'm so excited :) :) :)

To Whom It May Concern

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh
The way your kisses taste
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently. 




Courtesy of The Civil Wars

Ephesians 1:7

Forgiveness, my friends, is a noun/adjective/verb that I cannot describe, strictly coming from the fact that I am overwhelmed with trying to understand it to define it.

bummin'

I hurt my knee today, so I gots me a nice limp with an old man sort of grunt to go with it. Wonderful.

Lately life has been hectic, but honestly it just seems to be getting better and better; work is getting easier.. or maybe I'm finally get the hang of this teacher thing.. family life is much more bearable, my friends and social outings are becoming cheaper and more sentimental (which is super great!) and I feel like I've finally uncurled my fist to the core of my heart and God is still looking down on me saying and smiling, "You're Mine."
I'm going through a book right now called Lord, Heal My Hurts and it has a little something for each day but the main thing that book emphasizes is that the Lord is our Jehovah-Rapha; the God who heals. More and more is that truth becoming a legitimate truth for my life, is so many ways.
Take this past Thursday for example: A dear friend of mine and I drove to Nashville for the day, to get out of the Memphis air, to look around Belmont, and to see The Civil Wars (for the SECOND time!). While the ride, according to google maps, was about 2 1/2 hours long, it literally felt like 30-45 minutes with how much talking we were doing. And not just any sort of talking, the talking that makes you think while you talk, the talking that you contemplate where your morals and viewpoints originated, the talking that involves you spilling your guts and heart and soul and tears and having it received with listening ears and an open heart. I haven't exactly been the most open person lately, for reasons and reasons and reasons, but Thursday? Whoa. I talked for about a solid 3-4 hours. THAT'S A LOT. But golly sakes I didn't know how much I needed to get off my chest! I felt a strange sense of peace after I finally shut my mouth.. not the fear that I said too much or I would be looked at different form everything I said, just weirdly peaceful. Thank you, God.
Another thing: My dear friend Becca is now in LONDON as of Wednesday, and I couldn't be more excited for her! But I got a letter from her a day or two before she left. I had written one to her over break, just spilling about everything, and in her letter that she sent me, well, she did the same thing. :) I never thought I could get so close and share so much with someone who's been over 3 hours away and is now in a different country, but God doesn't work in the way we think, does He?
Ah, the more I see that I don't have it all under control or all together, the more I see God's perfection in all of my mistakes.
I'm ready to tackle the rest of this week, right now, so, bring it!

Nashville Bound

Things hit me at weird times. Like, things I want to write out and share my view on; this hit me last night when I was at the Civil Wars concert. Inspired by a song by The Staves called Facing West


"Sunrise, Sunset"
What do you think about when you see a sunrise? Do you stop what you're doing and just stare, or do you look past it and keep going on with your morning? Do you drive to work and completely miss it? Do you sleep through the whole entire thing?!
Think about it this way.
God, in His vast beauty and yearning for man's heart, has shown me this: A sunrise is the beginning. The start to a full day ahead. I bring it out of the darkness with more and more beauty every passing hour to give you the unique day I have designed for you.
Now, to put that in a comparison, think how a sunrise could be the beginning of a new journey or a chapter in your life. That when you're waiting on the Lord, He will show you little by little the beautiful beginning He has created in you. And as time goes on and the day progresses, you see that the morning, and how you spent the morning, determine the whole day. Do you sleep through half of it and scramble to get everything done? Do you just wish it would come to an end so the next one could hurry up and come?
My friend, patience. We only have so many of these days, why are you trying to get through them as fast as possible?
Now taste this: How do you think of a sunset? Do you see it as a pretty picture in your review mirror as you're driving home? Are you still at work or inside missing it? Do you skip it all together and wait for the night?
Hey now.
The same God, full of grace and mercy, has shown me that a sunset is the finished product. After a long day of trials and temptations, blessings and joys, that He is throwing that all up in the sky an saying, "This is the beauty I've brought out of it, because I make all things come together for good." And He's not just talking about happy-go-lucky good, He's talking about the good that is evident; that everyone can see and admire and know that it didn't come from anyone except Him. After your whole day is finished, you're able to sit down, look up at the sky, and just breathe in and out the wonder God has set before you.

As for me, I don't know which way I would prefer to face; if it be the sunrise in the East, ready for new beginnings, or if it be the sunset in the West, eager to see the beauty that came out of everything.

God, how about you face me North towards You and just keep me there? :)

knocked down

I've been meaning to write for awhile, but I haven't. Today though, I was incredibly moved by God and by an old friend's blog. He started it to talk about his journey through a heart problem that started a couple of months ago.
Reading all of his frustrations and stressful situations and emotions, and then seeing that in each and every post he mentions God and God's goodness throughout all of it, I was knocked to my knees.
My whole blog has been my journey since I've been brought home, and a lot of this blog is straight up complaining. When I read through Stephen's blog, my eyes kept filling with tears and my heart was continually being gripped.
My struggles compared to his are petty. And yes, it's still a struggle, but gosh, it just made me stop and re-realize how huge our Lord is. How gracious and merciful He is. How is truly a God of second chances.

Go read it
stephenhauss.wordpress.com